Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

by Fauxgeek / 06/27/2016 at 9:29pm / Geek

jeffprobs's comment : Can I rent her to teach my grandma

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Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

by Jes / 06/27/2016 at 8:44pm / Miscellaneous

Miss_Whipped's comment : OP, If I were in your shoes and that were my father, I'd tell him to take his will and shove it where the sun don't shine. Any father that can't remember his own daughter's middle name - and certainly only asks for it for a selfish reason - doesn't deserve her time anyway. Maybe I'm being harsh but I certainly don't think he's the kind of father I'd want in my life.

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Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

by Rmglrsm / 06/22/2016 at 10:21pm / Work

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

by nothing_nobody / 06/22/2016 at 9:31pm / Work

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

by Anonyme / 06/22/2016 at 12:05am / Love

dadom7614's comment : Siblings.. They WILL find leverage and they WILL use it.

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Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

by mcfatty / 08/14/2016 at 12:21am / India (Karnataka) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

by Sean / 08/14/2016 at 12:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I woke to the sound of my baby crying at 4 a.m. I also heard my partner snoring, knowing he was not beside me and the baby was not in her crib, I went into the nursery. There was my crying baby laying across my snoring partner's chest. Guess he fell asleep during feeding time. FML

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2016 at 8:28pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

by tiffylueg / 06/21/2016 at 9:38am / Health

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

by WorthLessThanACareer / 06/21/2016 at 8:57am / Love

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

by Donewiththis / 06/21/2016 at 1:35am / Animals