Today, my sister insisted on taking a picture of her plate of pasta “to show her friends what an unworthy family we are”. It was only after she put a candle on her plate that we realized we forgot her birthday. All of us. FML

by Anonyme / 04/17/2016 at 2:10am / Luxembourg

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

by American Idiot / 09/20/2016 at 3:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I tried to impress a girl by draping my arm over the back of her chair. I ended up elbowing her in the nose. FML

by PleaseDontHateMe / 09/20/2016 at 12:42pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

WinterChild's comment : I fail to see how draping your arm over the back of her chair would impress her...

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Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

by hk / 09/20/2016 at 11:29am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Love

OkitaCockroach's comment : It should've been more like "I met the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with", right?

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Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

by Whybother / 09/20/2016 at 4:13am / United States (Hawaii) / Work

WinterChild's comment : That's a start! You might make $4 tomorrow :)

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Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

by T3kM4n / 09/20/2016 at 2:08am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

by dudewheresmywheelschicago / 09/20/2016 at 1:14am / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

by tequilashot / 09/20/2016 at 12:40am / Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul) / Love

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

by XRayXLopez1 / 09/19/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

by knife knife / 09/19/2016 at 8:38pm / United Kingdom (Midlothian) / Miscellaneous

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

by ilovepancakes / 09/19/2016 at 8:29pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

by dude i am so sorry / 09/19/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, the place where I’m living is so small that after changing my shower curtain, I felt like I’d changed my whole apartment’s decoration. FML

by Easel / 01/09/2012 at 5:33pm / Brazil (Rio de Janeiro)