Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

by Kml / 11/14/2016 at 7:31am / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

by Rain / 11/14/2016 at 6:43am / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

by avocadotoe / 11/14/2016 at 1:52am / United States (California) / Intimacy

almost_there44's comment : I hope this is not the case and hopefully I'm wrong. But, were you and your partner house sitting and about to have sex? That's just nasty and disrespectful to the people's house y'all were watching.

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Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

by Oy Vay / 11/14/2016 at 1:09am / United States (New York) / Money

Dat_Class_Tho's comment : I want to vote FYL because that's a pretty big facepalm moment. But I also want to vote YDI because you helped her get a credit card without bothering to teach her how they work.

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Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 11/13/2016 at 10:35pm / Transportation

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

by lolowills / 11/13/2016 at 10:20pm / Work

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

by _sourdiesel7 / 11/10/2016 at 6:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

RememberSchlitz's comment : My tribe has a proud sacred tradition of not being cannibals. Yours too? Yours? You too. Amazing. Everybody in this place is from a tribe that doesn't walk around eating other tribes. Except you, Marge.

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Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

by I have Flashbacks Now / 11/10/2016 at 4:15pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

by KnowledgableEx / 11/10/2016 at 7:42am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML

by ConfusedGinger / 11/10/2016 at 6:50am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

2016/11/19
The Illustrated

Illustration by S-Kro   Their interview

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

by CaddyWhack / 11/18/2016 at 3:57pm / Transportation

Today, Rudolph's nose burned out. I had to guide the sleigh. FML

On 11/18/2016 at 11:55pm
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