Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

by amandanoelle / 10/09/2016 at 2:42am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the sixteenth consecutive time, I'm definitely not pregnant. Nope, I'm just super bitchy, and I like really weird food. FML

by Amie89 / 10/09/2016 at 12:37am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2016 at 9:20am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

by TomorrowMaybe / 10/08/2016 at 12:29pm / Denmark (Sjelland) / Health

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

by Cheese luv / 09/21/2016 at 12:55pm / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Tripartita's comment : After telling you the tragic news, your father went into his bedroom, locked the door, and took a mini fridge out from under the bed. He reached through the intricate array of expensive cheeses to remove his most recent acquisition, holding it to his face and smiling. You aren't the only cheese luver in your family, boy.

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Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

by not eyelid / 09/20/2016 at 3:53pm / Spain (Catalonia) / Transportation

DrafteeSelf's comment : That ducks!

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Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

by JAMjessie / 09/20/2016 at 12:54pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

by AnonymousCow / 09/20/2016 at 9:04am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

StormfrontX33's comment : I would be glaring at you too because my room is my sanctuary, and I love eating there with my Netflix. Being almost twice her age, I'm almost shamed to the point of reassessing my life. Almost. Her plight is dumb, albeit, relatable.

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Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

by ltwlty / 09/20/2016 at 3:07am / China (Beijing) / Health

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

by BadDay / 09/20/2016 at 1:04am / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

by Anonymous / 09/19/2016 at 1:29pm / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my employee review. They thanked me for taking on so much extra work, which helps keep us on schedule. Then they said that I was focusing too much on work that other people should be doing. We need 12 people to fully staff our store for a day, and we have less than that actually working here. FML

by SadRetailWorker / 10/07/2016 at 4:08pm / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2016 at 12:37pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health