The best jokes about life

1177

Today, I realised that Gmail has been sending lots of important messages directly into the spam folder, where I never saw them. All were from people who I had either contacted myself, or had regular contact with in the past. One address even had a filter on it, specifying, "Never send it to spam." FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 05:02 - Germany - Emden

Triage

1006

108

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 01:57

I mean…

793

Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Mechanicsburg

Contact tracing

839

210

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

1197

111

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

By dazedandconfused - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Holidays!

9595

568

Today, the momma's boy I was getting to know cried when I said we should just be friends. He said I was being added to the list of people who treat him like shit and verbally abuse him. He has bad hygiene, musty, wears dirty clothes and I taught him how to properly clean a toilet. But I’m the bitch. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58

Sounds like a catch

900

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Booty non-call

1123

166

Today, after I finally got up the courage to open myself up to someone new after going through a brutal divorce, it was going great until he went back to his ex. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Tilton

Love is a battlefield

752

Today, I woke up feeling like I was on top of the world, until I got to work and I was demoted. Then I ordered Uber Eats for lunch, the driver was late and gave me the wrong meal. The worst part was when I got home and was dumped by my girlfriend via text. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:04 - United States - White Plains

Bad day

1216

Today, I met this girl who's perfect. Turns out, since I'm adopted, she might be my sister. FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2020 22:58 - United States

Family matters

843

Today, I accidentally washed the jacket my mother bought me in the washing machine. I didn't know it was supposed to be dry cleaned. My mother ended up crying and screaming that I don't love her, and this would be the last time she ever buys me anything. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:02

Overreaction much?

828

255

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend of almost 4 years completely forgot. FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2020 17:58 - Canada - Moncton

Thanks, babe

830

Today, I phoned my ex, who I only broke up with a week ago. I then told her about the song I'd written about her. I have written a song, but it is shite and I would die of embarrassment if I ever had to play it to her. I’ll have to play it to her and confess my simpy, wet ways. FML

By Joshua Diamond - 14/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Ed Sheeran-lite

163

1586

Today, my dad told me that I'm nothing but a burden because I can't work, and disability is worth nothing. It's not my fault I ended up in an abusive foster home that left me with spinal cord damage. FML

By Etherealskye1023 - 14/12/2020 11:01 - United States - Douglassville

Great parenting, dude

1221

231

Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML

By Lucas - 14/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Smells like victory

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Today, I saw a girl asking for money on the median of an entrance to a parking lot with her dog. Later, I bought a box of dog treats for her. I drove up and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes and said, "How the hell am I supposed to carry that?" I sat there in stunned disbelief with the box she refused to take. FML

By Rebecca Palermo - 14/12/2020 11:03

Beggars can be choosers

822

167

Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML

By I miss bread - 14/12/2020 17:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Pile on

797

Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

By Homeless for the holidays - 13/12/2020 22:58 - United States - Farmington

Pyrotechnics

992

Today, while on holiday. I got a call to let me know my job will be gone away when I return. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 18:57 - Mexico - Garza Garcia

Bye then!

851

Today, I realized that my flatmate showers so little that the furniture she uses smells like BO. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Stinky

880

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Assumptions

984

198

Today, I bumped my head on a tool box. When it happened, I yelled, "Fuck." I got fired from my job for cussing. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 10:58 - United States

Snowflakes

898

211

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Unionize

884

391

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hedging your bets

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145

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Sex ban

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259

Today, I heard what sounded like an explosion from the basement of my house. Turns out my foundation cracked. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 23:01 - United States - Wilmington

Home Improvement

860

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

1231

Today, I realized after seeing my ex in his new relationship that he does everything for her that I always wanted him to do for me. Sucks not being worth it. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Kalamazoo

I'm worth it

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