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Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

#21067749
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33605) - you deserved it (15320)

On 02/21/2014 at 4:37pm - misc - by Cuntface McGee (man) - Romania (Cluj)

↑ adamo_erebus's comment : With al the cop stories I'm reading about on this site, I think it's safe to say that the police have zero sense of humour.

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Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

#21067583
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37688) - you deserved it (3837)

On 02/21/2014 at 12:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz)

↑ whythankyou's comment : She must have been utterly shocked when you turned around and showed her your tail.

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Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

#21067542
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40453) - you deserved it (4026)

On 02/21/2014 at 11:32am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

↑ clrichmond2009's comment : Guess you weren't the favorite.

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Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

#21067356
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44312) - you deserved it (3281)

On 02/21/2014 at 4:59am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Russian Federation (Lipetsk)

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

#21067330
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30956) - you deserved it (3802)

On 02/21/2014 at 3:04am - intimacy - by sadlysingle (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

#21067284
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37717) - you deserved it (2569)

On 02/21/2014 at 2:02am - work - by Anonymous -

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

#21067130
268 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46585) - you deserved it (3503)

On 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm - misc - by BakedBat (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, at my therapy appointment, I was spilling my guts to my therapist. When I'd finished, to get rid of the awkward silence, I asked, "I'm not crazy, right?" His response was, "That's bit of a loaded question." FML

#21066990
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32415) - you deserved it (4632)

On 02/20/2014 at 9:46pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

#21066977
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32274) - you deserved it (6011)

On 02/20/2014 at 9:31pm - work - by management - United States

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

#21066687
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23093) - you deserved it (45225)

On 02/20/2014 at 4:20pm - misc - by time to lawyer up (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

#21066497
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41815) - you deserved it (4243)

On 02/20/2014 at 12:45pm - misc - by begging for air - United States (Oregon)

Today, I went to a family reunion. I laughed at my uncle's Sylvester Stallone impression. Turns out he had a stroke a while back. FML

#21066428
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33690) - you deserved it (14054)

On 02/20/2014 at 11:06am - misc - by heyadrian - United States (California)

Today, I watched my brother attempt to cook some eggs without turning the gas on. FML

#21066280
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35761) - you deserved it (4234)

On 02/20/2014 at 5:01am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Worcestershire)



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