All the FMLs

By jan420 - 09/11/2012 22:03 - Norway - Moss

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 784

You deserved it 2 256

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 20:53 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 249

You deserved it 1 689

By baby, baby no - 09/11/2012 18:39 - United States - Ladys Island

Today, I stepped outside the house with my wife. She looked up at the sky and asked me in all seriousness if stars are man-made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 439

You deserved it 3 515

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 18:28 - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 994

You deserved it 7 384

By EnglishLearner - 09/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 850

You deserved it 8 131

By loser - 09/11/2012 16:07 - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 606

You deserved it 6 027

By slypher25aussie - 09/11/2012 07:26 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a furniture store. We split up for a bit, and after a while I went to find him. A salesman noticed I seemed to be looking around for him and said, "Oh, your son is upstairs." We're the same age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 654

You deserved it 2 391

By SebastianMiko - 09/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 147

You deserved it 2 331

By Kyle - 09/11/2012 06:57 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of their features, so I asked which one. I was told Homer because we "both could use Weight Watchers and an education." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 510

You deserved it 4 369

By Kallian - 09/11/2012 06:47 - Australia

Today, my friend showed me a video of me in a nightclub. I was holding two Skittles vodka shots and shouting, "Red and green, merry Kwanzaa!" The shots were yellow and purple. I can't remember that night at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 809

You deserved it 28 046

Kallian_fml tells us more.

Kallian_fml 21

Friday 9 November 2012 17:02

18- It WAS a shit faced awesome night. 12- Yeah, I kinda was tripping.

By holyshitbatman - 09/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 954

You deserved it 3 032

By Screwed - 09/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 101

You deserved it 2 035

By Anonimo - 08/11/2012 21:22 - Italy - Monserrato

Today, after a year of living with my boyfriend at our new place, he told me that he wants to sell our house and live in a trailer, so he can be closer to his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 136

You deserved it 2 628

By 99Problemsandfml - 08/11/2012 19:03 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 537

You deserved it 2 524

By mayerstexmex69 - 08/11/2012 15:52 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of two guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 853

You deserved it 2 264

Better run

By bob the builder - 08/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 426

You deserved it 1 738

Truancy

By Shauna - 08/11/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 552

You deserved it 2 601

Food for thought

By Anonymous - 08/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 178

You deserved it 2 059

By Anonymous - 08/11/2012 05:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 824

You deserved it 4 580

Hey there!

By ohcrap - 08/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 055

You deserved it 2 608

By rahavan - 08/11/2012 01:38 - United States - Tacoma

Today, after the fourth time telling my roommate I'm highly allergic to her scented products, I came back to find all 6 of our wall outlets using Glade plug-ins. They were set to high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 107

You deserved it 2 217

rahavan tells us more.

rahavan 15

Thursday 8 November 2012 21:28

Um no, I passed out and wrote this after I was forced to go to the hospital by my floors RA.

By derve - 07/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 246

You deserved it 2 181

Poisoning

By anon - 07/11/2012 23:28 - United States

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 765

You deserved it 1 829

By Drafty - 07/11/2012 21:30 - United States - Sylmar

Today, a stray dog came up to my living room window. My pitbull went into attack mode and tried to jump through said window, while it was closed. Now I have to pay to replace the window, and pay to get stitches for my idiot dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 449

You deserved it 7 628

By pheebs314 - 07/11/2012 21:16 - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I was told that my insurance will no longer cover my birth control as it's deemed "unnecessary" for a man, which, according to them, I've been since August. I'm definitely still a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 225

You deserved it 2 314

pheebs314 tells us more.

pheebs314 17

Thursday 8 November 2012 0:47

to 18- I'm the op... I didn't realize I hadn't been signed in when I posted. Basically, I have had the same.insurance for years and been using it for the same birth control for at least 5. I'm not sure what happened... Some clerical error I guess. I had it figured out but it was definitely weird.

By Owen - 07/11/2012 18:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my teacher wore a bikini at the pool. She is 68. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 994

You deserved it 4 786

By Anonymous - 07/11/2012 15:44 - United States

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 571

You deserved it 2 536

By stuck - 07/11/2012 15:00 - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 297

You deserved it 24 003

Besties for life

By no cake for me - 07/11/2012 07:31 - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 869

You deserved it 26 090

Excuses

By NotAnExcuse - 07/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 653

You deserved it 2 401

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Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 084

You deserved it 3 131

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 650

You deserved it 5 866

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 364

You deserved it 4 606

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 921

You deserved it 4 629

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 383

You deserved it 1 703

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years came out as gay. I guess I know now why sex was infrequent and made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325

You deserved it 140