Animals: Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take...

By shibs - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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Animals

Puke is good for you

Dad, stop driving my car

The receipts, the tea

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

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40325

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By riya

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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2129

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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28951

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By stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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22836

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By leahrb - United States - Wilmington

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

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By Studying is for crazy people. - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

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32549

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By fuck kids - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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34844

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By MrG - United States

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

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33795

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By Anonymous - United States - Merrimack

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

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21685

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

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32757

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By titillating - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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29818

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By music man - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

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36037

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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10963

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By Christinemh329 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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24672

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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32762

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By fatty - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

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37043

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37060

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7574

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Major annoyance

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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49874

You deserved it

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By horrible daughter - United States - Santee

Today, I was feeling guilty about an argument I had with my mother right before she left to go shopping. When she got back, I ran to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over and broke her new $200 vase. FML

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45950

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By UTurn

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

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1407

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By TheOtherWoman - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

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33064

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

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14162

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By angry asthmatic - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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2426

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 02:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

How could you?

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

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262

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By Anonymous

Deception

Today, I found out my roommate has been cheating me out of hundreds of dollars when I finally obtained records of the past year's electric bills, which are in her name. FML

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1689

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By screamo - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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21814

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By caughtorangehanded - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

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20810

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

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35522

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By lonely - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

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40524

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By dan - United States - Laurel

Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

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25036

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By "Sarah-Louise James"

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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1895

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210

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

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39104

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By just trying to be nice - United States - Tucson

Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML

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45262

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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37448

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By Michele - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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43006

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4006

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By neighbour hell - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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50964

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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31604

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By Dp. - 27/3/2021 13:59

Woohoo, party time!

Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna and I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner to remember FML

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787

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129

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By commando - United States

Today, I was preparing to perform with my marching band at a competition. Right before we went on, a tuba player friend of mine offered to help me stretch. He wound up snapping my bra. I'm a drum major, and had to conduct the entire show while my boobs were falling out. FML

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Top comments

By swanheart | 35

#6489337 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:28

No shame in losing a fight to a seagull, they are vicious sky rats!

By gosh_mate | 30

#6489350 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:51

I'm just imagining the seagull scene on finding nemo...
Mine mine mine mine haha

COMMENTS

By hantu69 | 22

#6489336 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:28

seagull help you stay on diet . Haha

Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6489653 - Sunday 20 December 2015 22:06

How exactly is starving part of a diet?

By swanheart | 35

#6489337 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:28

No shame in losing a fight to a seagull, they are vicious sky rats!

shiba10 | 26

#6489359 - Sunday 20 December 2015 13:24

Haha I suppose so but they're just so savage... Seagulls 1 Me 0 :(

JMichael | 25

#6489369 - Sunday 20 December 2015 14:14

No what OP should of done was chase that seagull down and get his damn sandwich back in any way possible.

swanheart | 35

#6489476 - Sunday 20 December 2015 17:45

Possibly #18 but I think he might have struggled to follow the bird if it decided to fly off...!

gobiteme2 | 34

#6489625 - Sunday 20 December 2015 21:10

OP cheer up and get revenge. Most seagulls will come back to same spot to see if they can get some more. Ever seen a seagull with a mouth full of Tabasco sauce in their mouth.

By datass63826 | 9

#6489338 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:29

Happened to everyone before.

NeatNit | 32

#6489366 - Sunday 20 December 2015 13:52

I don't know about you, but I've never seen anybody's food get snatched from his hands by a bird!

momo3p | 22

#6489406 - Sunday 20 December 2015 16:04

lol I have

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6489594 - Sunday 20 December 2015 20:18

I have never once had this happen nor have I seen it happen however I have heard it happen before to my Dad

By TheLastCenturion | 19

#6489340 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:33

Happens, mate. Nothing to do but laugh it off and...yeah.

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6489341 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:34

Your lucky all it took was your food and not your SOUL*evil seagull laughter in the distance*

bigbluetardis | 21

#6489375 - Sunday 20 December 2015 14:19

*You're

KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6489386 - Sunday 20 December 2015 15:01

Y du I alwais git dwn vorts 4 tipos? fml

By Jachin357 | 28

#6489347 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:41

Those birds have no shame!

By TAntobella | 14

#6489348 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:48

Think in perspective. The cow your hamburger was made of: "Today after a miserable life spent in a factory farm, a human has stolen my calf from me, then cut my throat. FML"
We all steal from others, don't we..

TooManyProblems | 13

#6489358 - Sunday 20 December 2015 13:23

Found the Vegan

TAntobella | 14

#6489637 - Sunday 20 December 2015 21:23

Ahahahah 37 people can't handle the truth!

By gosh_mate | 30

#6489350 - Sunday 20 December 2015 12:51

I'm just imagining the seagull scene on finding nemo...
Mine mine mine mine haha

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6489387 - Sunday 20 December 2015 15:02

What if they are back in Finding Dory?

Avi8r | 22

#6489698 - Sunday 20 December 2015 23:53

This is actually really funny considering OP lives in Australia where Finding Nemo took place

shiba10 | 26

#6489723 - Monday 21 December 2015 0:30

Haha I live in the same city too

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6490010 - Monday 21 December 2015 7:52

Mine mine mine mine mine. "Oh would you just shut up?! You rats with wings." Nigel the Pelican.

By FrankHotpants | 31

#6489353 - Sunday 20 December 2015 13:01

I definitely feel you on that one, I've had the same thing happen to me. Those shipyard seagulls are savages. I've seen them take a guy's breakfast burrito and come back to throw the aluminum foil at him.

By Tarlachia | 33

#6489357 - Sunday 20 December 2015 13:23

Next time, take something to catch/shoot down a seagull, strip the feathers off, and cook the seagull. Slap it between a pair of burger buns and eat it in front of those seagulls.

katelng09 | 16

#6489600 - Sunday 20 December 2015 20:26

Someone has a disturbing imagination...

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6489774 - Monday 21 December 2015 1:51

Fuck the downvotes, this made me laugh.