Health: Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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Sorry…

Season finale

The bitch is back

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

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By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By dating a pussy - United States - Maryville

Scream

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

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By N - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

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By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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By PrettySureItsReal - United States - Saint Peters

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

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By notthe1punchinglittlegirls

A few good men?

Today, I was visiting my in-laws and sharing a room with my husband's 17-year-old sister. Later that night she and her brother of 24 years started fist-fighting over an air mattress and I had to pull them off each other. The brother later berated me with, "You can't handle any pressure!" FML

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By kat9232000 - Canada

Today, my older brother told me that no matter how fast you run at automatic sliding doors, they'll open in time. So I ran at a pair. They don't. FML

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By Blake Lawrence - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

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By Luna - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By girl on fire

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

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By roachblend - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

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By Lesley - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By ssjfml - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, while enjoying the nice weather in a park, I opened my eyes to the sight of some guy jacking off, half-hidden behind a tree. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By kdeeeceee - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

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By OopsKid - France

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

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By

Her revenge

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By MyFaceHurts - United States

Fight Club

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my grandma has been sending me birthday money every year. My mom just steals it before I ever see it. FML

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By Darkheaven - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By hairycarrie - 28/8/2020 04:49 - United States

Splitting hairs

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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By played - Norway

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

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By meandme - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By during - United States

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

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By Fenny - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 17:01 - Australia

Galaxy brain

Today, I found out my boss wrote me up because he heard me crying on the phone, and that it was unprofessional. I was talking to my sister, who was telling that me my father had died. Three weeks ago, he was crying about his dog breaking his leg. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

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Top comments

By A07 | 48

#6361671 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:29

Atleast your pullout game is strong OP

By xxlittlemsanime | 24

#6361658 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

That'd be awkward to explain in the hospital.

"How did you get the concussion?"

"An asshole vacuum cleaner nozzle wanted to square up."

COMMENTS

By IndicaPaincakes | 28

#6361657 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:25

Dang, you're okay right? These moments happen to all of us, maybe not to this extreme but as long as you're okay. You will hopefully have a great laugh about this later!

Reply

James_is_Mexican | 25

#6361693 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:48

Well that sucks... Literally...

By xxlittlemsanime | 24

#6361658 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

That'd be awkward to explain in the hospital.

"How did you get the concussion?"

"An asshole vacuum cleaner nozzle wanted to square up."

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361757 - Sunday 26 July 2015 8:59

This is why I never clean! You'll never know if you'll end up with a concussion.

Reply

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6361806 - Sunday 26 July 2015 10:44

This is why you never jerk too hard.

By taymichele16 | 15

#6361661 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

Damn that takes skill, I'm impressed

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6361662 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:27

Goes to show you should always be careful with electrical units and such. If it won't come out don't yank. It'll always fly back at you.

By A07 | 48

#6361671 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:29

Atleast your pullout game is strong OP

Reply

lovelockdown23 | 23

#6361683 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:37

Perfect!

Reply

JamisonB98 | 16

#6361716 - Sunday 26 July 2015 7:17

I was literally about to reply with the same thing when I saw your's as the top. Hat off to you

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6361835 - Sunday 26 July 2015 11:57

Seems to be good at jerking too

By MDoremis | 38

#6361675 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:31

If it makes you feel better, I once tried to grab something off the floor and fell, tearing all the soft tissue off one of my hips.

By NthDakotaBeaches | 12

#6361679 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:34

Definitely a YDI. Obviously if something is that difficult to pull out either try something else or make sure that when it does come out, you don't smash your head into anything.

By MRP360 | 14

#6361682 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:35

guess you'll just have to......suck it up XD

By Scrambled | 21

#6361687 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:42

Wanna know the difference between a vacuum cleaner and you?

You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6361695 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:50

Maybe a little handheld vacuum wouldn't be too bad of an idea