Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2015 04:20 - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Time don't heal nothing

Great boyfriend

By Creeped out - 28/1/2013 08:14 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

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By shorty - 11/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

On time

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

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By popeye - 25/2/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By punchedhelper - 20/6/2012 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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By friedbutter - 28/10/2012 14:53 - Canada - Pickering

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to tell my 10-year-old son that if he wanted to get girls, he had to do the Gangnam Style. My son has now non-stop been doing the Gangnam Style. FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 09:51 - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 08:47 - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

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By doomeddaddy - 3/8/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By historyrepeats - 11/7/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By Jebus - 24/1/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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By AirOne - 12/11/2008 14:39 - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

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By sick of this shit - 12/3/2016 13:33 - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By workerbee - 27/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By laptitesouris - 31/3/2013 23:35 - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

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By ManInTrouble - 16/3/2010 04:50 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

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By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

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By pinkpanther61789 - 17/10/2019 14:00

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

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By not a brain cell in sight - 16/6/2013 20:20 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By Broke and Blonde - 10/3/2019 12:00

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2012 01:41 - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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By Novocain - 20/4/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By joe1234 - 17/7/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

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By verbaltodomestic - 8/9/2013 19:31 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By ArmyMan - 24/6/2009 16:37 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

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By susan - 17/11/2012 22:31 - United States - Naperville

Today, my daughter had a meltdown when I told her I donated some of her old toys to Goodwill. It turns out Toy Story has taught her that toys have feelings and that she has a meaningful relationship with them. She's in her teens. FML

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By JeezyCherieze - 11/4/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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By Confused - 23/3/2012 15:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

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By Garchomp - 9/7/2013 02:08 - United States - Dodge City

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

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By thwack - 24/5/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By tobuscus9412 - 22/3/2015 01:04 - Australia - Woronora

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2016 15:52 - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By ohh jeez. - 21/2/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

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Top comments

By A07 | 48

#6361671 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:29

Atleast your pullout game is strong OP

By xxlittlemsanime | 24

#6361658 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

That'd be awkward to explain in the hospital.

"How did you get the concussion?"

"An asshole vacuum cleaner nozzle wanted to square up."

Comments

By IndicaPaincakes | 27

#6361657 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:25

Dang, you're okay right? These moments happen to all of us, maybe not to this extreme but as long as you're okay. You will hopefully have a great laugh about this later!

Reply

James_is_Mexican | 25

#6361693 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:48

Well that sucks... Literally...

By xxlittlemsanime | 24

#6361658 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

That'd be awkward to explain in the hospital.

"How did you get the concussion?"

"An asshole vacuum cleaner nozzle wanted to square up."

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361757 - Sunday 26 July 2015 8:59

This is why I never clean! You'll never know if you'll end up with a concussion.

Reply

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6361806 - Sunday 26 July 2015 10:44

This is why you never jerk too hard.

By taymichele16 | 15

#6361661 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:26

Damn that takes skill, I'm impressed

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6361662 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:27

Goes to show you should always be careful with electrical units and such. If it won't come out don't yank. It'll always fly back at you.

By A07 | 48

#6361671 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:29

Atleast your pullout game is strong OP

Reply

lovelockdown23 | 23

#6361683 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:37

Perfect!

Reply

JamisonB98 | 16

#6361716 - Sunday 26 July 2015 7:17

I was literally about to reply with the same thing when I saw your's as the top. Hat off to you

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6361835 - Sunday 26 July 2015 11:57

Seems to be good at jerking too

By MDoremis | 38

#6361675 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:31

If it makes you feel better, I once tried to grab something off the floor and fell, tearing all the soft tissue off one of my hips.

By NthDakotaBeaches | 12

#6361679 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:34

Definitely a YDI. Obviously if something is that difficult to pull out either try something else or make sure that when it does come out, you don't smash your head into anything.

By MRP360 | 14

#6361682 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:35

guess you'll just have to......suck it up XD

By Scrambled | 21

#6361687 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:42

Wanna know the difference between a vacuum cleaner and you?

You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6361695 - Sunday 26 July 2015 6:50

Maybe a little handheld vacuum wouldn't be too bad of an idea