Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would...

By whoops - 29/6/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

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Miscellaneous

Workaholic

My body, my choice

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By anonymous - 16/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By Emmmsie - 8/7/2017 18:00

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

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By perfecttiming - 6/5/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

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By textfail - 28/2/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

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By needsomelove - 20/10/2019 06:00 - France

Running gag

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By coffee girl - 22/7/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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By dedeanne08 - 12/12/2016 01:18 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

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By Jessica - 21/10/2009 18:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 15:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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By idiot - 9/7/2012 21:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By - 30/5/2019 23:30 - India - Pune

Send help!

Today, I've managed to lock myself in my own bedroom. It won't open no matter what I do. FML

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By duuuuude - 17/4/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By kirsty - 8/4/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

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By meteorbabe0101 - 14/4/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

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By Lyn - 6/7/2012 22:14 - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By greeenbean - 2/10/2009 10:41 - Samoa

Today, I was woken up by the massive earthquake in Samoa. I went downstairs to discover that all the hotel staff had fled and abandoned the hotel guests. I was left to run up to higher ground on foot. It was a three hour hike. By the time I got to a safe spot, the tsunami warning was lifted. FML

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By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By chuchundra - 8/3/2014 20:06 - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - 10/10/2010 15:16 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - 7/4/2014 20:54 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years old. FML

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By sarahh38 - 16/9/2009 18:23 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By red_headforlife - 28/9/2012 05:34 - United States - Chandler

Today, I was so happy to be leaving the hospital after breaking my arm the night before. Just as I walked out of the doors, a huge ambulance team was running in at the same time and knocked me down full force. I now have a broken ankle. FML

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By asianlover - 30/6/2011 07:24 - Finland

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

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By SadMan - 19/1/2010 00:41 - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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By Nope - 26/6/2015 21:46 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

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By waterproblem - 27/5/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By UsedForSurgery - 28/10/2017 01:30

Today, after having surgery, I called my family to tell them I was out, safe, and on my way home. The first thing they asked was if they could "borrow" some of my pain meds. FML

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By unlovedd - 22/3/2009 05:45 - United States

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2012 02:28 - United States - Lakewood

Today, while walking around the local thrift store, I noticed an attractive guy watching me and following me through the aisles. As he followed me to my car I was sure I would get his number. He then asks me to bring my purse inside as I had been tagged as a shoplifter. I work at the store. FML

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By scardeycat13 - 8/1/2012 05:38 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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By Eden - 14/7/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

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By 2for1 - 28/3/2019 00:00 - Norway - Sandefjord

Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML

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By Arielle - 31/1/2012 11:07 - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

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By shushingmoon - 18/9/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

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By unknown - 17/12/2012 11:37 - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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Top comments

By Snicket | 13

#5992554 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:22

Hulk miss, hulk mad, hulk sad.

By Demonface54 | 20

#5992546 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:21

In what universe was that a good idea?

COMMENTS

By FYLTHOUGH | 15

#5992542 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:19

clean it up then

cakefete2 | 30

#5992688 - Monday 30 June 2014 2:57

Agreed, and OP has no one to blame but himself. This is the definition of YDI.

Animekid126 | 13

#5993003 - Monday 30 June 2014 9:26

What do you think they did before they posted this? ....

By emily4040 | 18

#5992544 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:20

One question. Why?

jad0016 | 12

#5992575 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:26

You should leave the hulk smashing to the hulk

loooloool | 13

#5992576 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:26

Why not?

GentlemanBastard | 15

#5992594 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:32

15, I think the garbage everywhere is why not.

thexguyxnextdoor | 10

#5992741 - Monday 30 June 2014 4:23

Sometimes we just have to try to be a little bit of awesome. If he would have succeeded it would have been pretty cool.

dede1245 | 1

#5992773 - Monday 30 June 2014 4:52

One question. Why not?

By Demonface54 | 20

#5992546 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:21

In what universe was that a good idea?

steve31789 | 8

#5992595 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:32

In the marvel universe!!

thexguyxnextdoor | 10

#5992745 - Monday 30 June 2014 4:25

In a teenage male's universe it makes plenty of sense. (I'm guessing he is teenager, because it is something I would do)

By MandyMeow_fml | 18

#5992548 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:21

You must learn to control your hulk smash

By jgwyh | 18

#5992551 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:22

Calm down Bruce Banner

By Snicket | 13

#5992554 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:22

Hulk miss, hulk mad, hulk sad.

Rallred32 | 20

#5992616 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:52

I mean, how do you miss a trash can?

TheAbstract | 15

#5993006 - Monday 30 June 2014 9:30

Can't you read? Hulk miss.

By feelingold | 18

#5992558 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:23

someone forgot to take their Ritalin this morning.

ukeandfoodislife | 19

#5992631 - Monday 30 June 2014 2:02

When I don't take my ADHD medication, I too turn into the Hulk.

By SemiAuto | 21

#5992559 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:24

Probably wasn't the best idea.

Steve95401 | 49

#5992858 - Monday 30 June 2014 6:15

Yeah? No shit!

By DaMann360 | 19

#5992560 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:24

I did that once... Not really. I like to do things in the most laziest way possible

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5992562 - Monday 30 June 2014 1:24

Hulk FAIL.