The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

My eyes!

Today, I saw my neighbors having sex. They’re not great looking and bang like pornstars. FML

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

Lifegoals

Today, I’m unemployed with no children and hardly any social life, so you’d think my life was a constant, boring holiday, when in fact I'm so busy every day that I think I might have to designate myself a “day off” just to recover from the stress. FML

The long game

Today, I visited my Grandma's house, and my uncle happened to be there. As expected, and all the time, he greeted with his signature shit-eating, "I see what you did there" face. He's been doing that to me ever since he saw me masturbating when I was a little kid. I'm 47, married, and have 2 kids now. FML

Boss makes a pound…

Today, I sat down and worked out I get paid £26000 a year for working 40 hours a week. Meanwhile my boss gets paid £115000 to answer emails when he remembers to and to attend 5 hours of mandatory meetings a month, which he now does over video chat from his vacation cottage in Scotland. FML

Bonkers inlaws

Today, my husband and I returned from a much needed weekend away. I found out that during that time, his weird ass parents tried to force our daughter to do one of those creepy virginity pledges, complete with a “purity” ring ceremony. She’s literally 9 years-old. FML

Twitter (currently X)

Today, because now Twitter shows the "For you" section automatically, the first thing I saw was some guy saying childless women are useless and pathetic. I wanted kids but had a hysterectomy because I was developing cancer. Seeing that brought back the pain and made me feel like crap. FML

Receipe for disaster

Today, I went to the doctor, expecting him to tell me my cancer was gone. Instead, he told me I will need a colostomy, which means all my favorite food will be replaced with yogurt and parsley. No tabbouleh, as onions would make the colostomy bag stink. FML

Dungeon Master rules

Today, I'd set aside a weekend to play Dungeons & Dragons. One of our players suddenly had trouble with his wife and brought his toddler over. The kid would not stop crying, getting into places he shouldn't be, and loudly shitting his diaper every 15 minutes. I had to eject the player from the game. This is why I don't want kids. FML

Denied

Today, I woke up with a raging hard on. My wife, who was also awake, felt it when I pressed against her. She said, "No thank you," got up, and walked away. FML

Rage against the machine

Today, I've been working towards a management position at my IT job for 9 years. My boss quit, so I thought, "This is my chance!" Nope, our department got outsourced and now I'm interviewing for my own job on Monday. FML

Off script

Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML

Today, after being stuck in a traffic jam for quite a long time, my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

Misophonia

Today, while eating breakfast in a hotel lobby, the woman next to me started playing an obnoxious clip of a baby’s high-pitched crying. The worst part is that my parents refused to let me do anything about it or step away from the loud noise, as they thought it would “embarrass the whole family.” FML

Carrie?

Today, I faked a burglar alarm to see what my sleeping husband would do. The instant he thought a burglar was in the house, I thought he'd yell out for me and come looking. Nope, he yelled out for his limited edition Air Jordans, and ran into his office to check if any were missing. Priorities, I suppose. FML

Come on

Today, my two year-old son consistently ignores my mom and will crawl towards my dad every time. My mom is now refusing to visit because a two year-old hurt her feelings. I get it, being ignored hurts, but come on, he’s two. FML

Happy ******* birthday

Today, I realized that I’ve gone out of my way every year to make everyone around me’s birthday extra special. I can’t remember the last time anyone celebrated or remembered mine. This year my “best friend” scheduled her elective surgery I’m supposed to take her to on my birthday. What a party. FML

Ticket to ride

Today, after I just finished a 16-hour double shift, my brother asked me to ride with him to do an Instacart. While delivering these people’s groceries, his car overheated and oil light came on. He had no money, so I had to fix and pay for the parts. FML

OCD or asshole?

Today, I got home to my grandma yelling at the top of her lungs that I didn't do everything I was supposed to when I was home. I literally washed dishes, cleaned counters, vacuumed, gathered trash, AND cleaned the bathroom. I didn't fold my blankets. That's it. That's what she was yelling about. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I can't sit down for a book or some TV without my wife coming up and moaning at me to "get a hobby, get out of the house once in a while, you never do anything anymore." I have a healthy, balanced social life, but maybe I want to relax in my own house for once. FML

Road trip

Today, after we drove to France to go to a jazz festival, we'd arrived in the evening after a 600 km drive, and my wife made a misstep and broke her ankle, it's the next day and we drove back home. After the first toll booth, the electric car window would no longer go up, so we drove with the window open for the remaining 500 km. FML

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

Empathy is a thing

Today, my teacher made the class do Origami. As a disabled and very ham-fisted individual, I was the only one who struggled, while everyone else seemed to get it effortlessly. I started getting extremely upset as it just did not work, and the teacher would not understand just how impossible it is for me. FML

Saved!

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mom, who is severely disabled and can barely walk. She suddenly slipped on a puddle of water, so I instinctively grappled her from behind to save her. It took me a moment to realize my hands were accidentally cupping her breasts. She then slipped again and took both of us down. FML

The heart wants what it wants

Today, my strictly religious parents found my vibrator. I’m a man and when they found out I masturbate with a penis shaped vibe up my ass they went Catholic nuclear on me. I'm trying to ignore them but they have sent up camp in my living room and refuse to go home. FML

Memes for life

Today, my dad got blind drunk at my son’s birthday party and decided to describe in bone chilling detail what “Hawk Tuah” meant to a bunch of kids. Hello therapy bill. FML

Take the W

Today, I won my custody battle and I get to keep my deceased husband's kids. I know I should be happy but I'm getting so much hate from my former in-laws for taking the kids away from their "real family", even though they wanted to stay with me. FML

Confused as hell

Today, I got home and my wife was pissed that I'd forgotten our plans. She then refused to tell me what I forgot and went to bed. I know my memory’s bad so I always write stuff down, but there’s nothing on our joint calendar, nothing on my calendar, no Post-it notes, texts, or emails, nothing. FML

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

Beginner's protest

Today, my sister was yet again sprawled out on the kitchen floor. Passed out drunk? Nah, it was a "die-in" as part of her plan to annoy us into becoming insufferable vegans like her. I accidentally stepped on her hand and she screamed, making me jump and splash hot coffee everywhere. FML