Today, I discovered the hard way that training in martial arts means nothing when the thug harassing your wife at the bar has a mate stood behind you ready, willing, and able to kick you square in the balls with a toe-capped work boot while you’re getting into your correct fighting stance. FML
Today, after leaving my abusive partner, I checked into a hotel through a crisis service. Since then, I've been asked to have sex for $20, and also yelled at for not driving a woman to a shopping centre, which is a 5-minute walk away. I don't drive and have been here for an hour. FML
Today, I tried to high-five someone but somehow ended up slapping them in the face. FML
Today, I have wasted so much time reading comments on this page that FML comments have become my favorite bedtime stories. FML
Today, my boyfriend is threatening to dump me if I don’t give him all the details of my menstruation so he can track my periods with an app on his phone. FML
Today, I realized this virus pandemic lockdown had no effect on my love life as I spent another free night cutting 1/4 inch thick calluses off my feet, as I have done before all this happened two years ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he was whispering, he said, “So they can’t hear me.” FML
Today, I was uninvited to a family reunion because I’m the result of my mom’s affair while she was married to her husband, who raised me as a dad for 22 years before we found out. According to my aunts, uncles, and cousins who I grew up with, it means I’m not really family anymore. FML
Today, I hit it off with this really sweet, attractive guy. He asked me a question that I felt uncomfortable answering, and I had a complete mental breakdown like a menstruating teenager when I declined to answer. This is why I'm single. FML
Today, I told both my boyfriend and my son that they needed to start spending more time together. They both asked why and what they did that I feel the need to punish them. They’re so similar, even I forget they’re not father and son, and yet for some reason they hate each other. FML
Today, months after my dad's death, my mother keeps telling me she "realized" how abusive he was, and how she wished she knew, but she swears innocence when I tell her she was just as abusive and enabled it all while he was alive, even being in the same room and doing nothing while he beat me. FML
Today, our daughter got in a fight with her dad because she isn’t sure if marrying her boyfriend will make her happy. Her dad then said, "Well which do you want, to be happy or to be married? Because you can’t have both." We’ve been married for 32 years so it hurt hearing him say that. It hurt a lot. FML
Today, it’s been four months since my cheating ex-girlfriend dumped me for someone else’s dick. She was offered a monthly six figure OnlyFans contract. Since then she’s been living life care-free while I struggle to pick up the pieces. Back to being single and still working my ass off to be broke. FML
Today, I, a demigirl struggling with her identity, have decided to change my name. When I told my dad in therapy (of all places) that I was a demigirl, he struggled to understand me. When I told my mom I was changing my name, she yelled at me and refused to call me it. And she wonders why I don't trust her. FML
Today, I gave a toast at my close friend's wedding. The bride's little cousin snuck up behind me and unzipped my dress. As I ended my speech with, "To a night we will never forget!", my dress fell all the way down. I was quick. People's phones were quicker. Well, they won't forget my undies. FML
Today, I got up early to go to the gym before work. As I was walking to my car, I slipped on a patch of what appeared to be a patch of wet moss and fell, spraining my ankle. Not only did I have to miss my workout, but I had to call in sick to work and spend the day at home, hobbling around with a swollen ankle. FML
Today, I realized my cat has a very serious case of RBF. Let me tell you, there's nothing more unnerving than turning your head and seeing a small tuxedo cat staring daggers at you for absolutely no reason. FML
Today, my cat has always been rather antisocial, but after his first trip to the vet since getting fixed, he's become talkative, clingy, and goofy. I'd enjoy it, if not for the fact that he's nearly hurt himself several times because he keeps doing stupid shit. He might need to go back to the vet at this rate. FML
Today, I wore new shoes to work. Little did I expect, once in contact with the linoleum floor in the building, my shoes started making a squeak at every step. I sounded like a toy rubber duck every time I walked down the hallway. The whole workplace has the same lino everywhere. FML
Today, I'm hopping on a flight to Florida to pay my final respects to a friend. In December I had to attend the funeral of a friend's young daughter who just didn't wake up one day. In the following two weeks I lost a friend to a heart attack, a friend to suicide, and two friends to cancer. Tomorrow I attend my final funeral. FML
Today, I went to my local library to study. As I settled in, I dropped my water bottle, causing a mini flood. Panicked, I tried to clean it up with paper towels, only to knock over a stack of books, creating a domino effect of chaos. The librarian gave me the dirtiest look. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw a bitch fit about her clothes not fitting and how she’s “so fat” to the point of storming out of the house when I asked her to please calm down. Just a couple of hours earlier, we'd ordered food and she ordered a salad, then asked to trade my burger and fries with her. FML
Today, despite warning my mother repeatedly about scammers, I got home to her on the phone giving her bank details to someone for security purposes. I grabbed the phone and hung up, and now she’s mad at me because he sounded like such a "nice honest man" and I was very rude to him. FML
Today, I tried dyeing my hair at home to save some money. I carefully followed the instructions but when I rinsed it off, my hair turned a shocking shade of shiity neon green. Not wanting to leave the house looking like a radioactive toad, I wore a hat and hoped nobody would notice. FML
Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML
Today, I went to the Eiffel Tower with my boyfriend. We’d been talking about getting married for a while, and I'd always wanted an uncommon proposal. As we get to the top, my mind started to fantasize. As he rifled through his pockets, I think to myself, “This is it, our big moment!” He then says, “I've always wanted to smoke a cigarette at 300 meters." FML
Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML
Today, my dog has a better social life than I do, since he's been invited to more doggy birthday parties than I've been invited to regular parties. FML
Today, I'm a porn addict struggling to stay clean. My girlfriend found my recovery journal and read it, then went off screaming that I'm a sick freak. She stole my journal and has been posting pages on her Instagram and tagging me in them. Yes, the stress made me relapse. FML
Today, I set up a nice picnic style dinner in our living room for my wife. No special occasion, just because, but when she got home and saw it, all I got was a “great, and I suppose you’ll want sex for this?” then she made herself a sandwich and went to bed, no explanation. Why do I bother? FML
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