Intimacy: Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I... - FML

By suffersecks - 20/01/2012 23:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 476

You deserved it 6 159

Mother of the year

Walk the line

Jesus saves!

By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 007

You deserved it 1 036

By emkatch - 21/07/2009 19:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 665

You deserved it 4 344

By Potato_Lord - 12/11/2015 04:11 - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 709

You deserved it 1 453

Happy Valentine's…

By Country - 12/02/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 112

By Jaded618 - 05/12/2010 12:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 496

You deserved it 3 914

By ouch - 12/08/2011 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when a really cute guy came on. The only seat left was the one next to me, so I smiled and waited for him to sit down. He looked at the seat, looked at me, and opted to stand until his stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 081

You deserved it 4 860

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 17:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 425

You deserved it 3 257

Mission: Do it all over

By SonjaPea - 27/08/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I spent 5 hours working on emails for work in a desperate attempt to get back on top of my task list. Having written about 45 emails waiting in my outbox to go out first thing Monday morning, Outlook has "stopped responding". I might've just lost them all and worked through the day for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 27/02/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 213

You deserved it 3 261

By Anonymous - 27/08/2014 23:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 517

You deserved it 7 486

By worker666 - 13/04/2014 14:51 - United States

Today, my coworker tried to convince my boss that I'm not human. Her examples of how I'm influenced by demons included how I don't wear a jacket in the winter, and that I once got a nosebleed from sneezing. My boss thinks she's hilarious and is playing along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 834

You deserved it 4 231

By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/02/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 205

You deserved it 12 660

By dont_shit_where_i_eat - 29/08/2017 23:15

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 684

You deserved it 257

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Lennie Mcfish - 09/04/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 386

By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 188

You deserved it 219

By shtidsfpa - 18/06/2014 21:06 - United States - Shelby

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 320

You deserved it 55 763

By o_O - 23/06/2013 17:26 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 188

You deserved it 4 123

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 20:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 106

You deserved it 4 813

By Sarah - 18/07/2019 12:00

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 170

By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 232

You deserved it 1 952

By Abcporn - 25/09/2013 23:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 472

You deserved it 3 506

By MushyKetchup - 14/08/2015 07:01 - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 153

You deserved it 1 974

By awkward23 - 12/01/2010 10:26 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 42 440

By MonieIndmiddle - 13/11/2017 05:00

Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 038

You deserved it 310

Economic abuse

By whyme - 16/05/2021 20:01

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 617

By minimazing - 07/10/2018 05:00

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 489

You deserved it 311

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 540

You deserved it 2 918

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 16:02

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 331

By chickenlover - 27/08/2009 20:53 - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 737

You deserved it 54 615

By Mexican - 19/06/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 371

You deserved it 1 477

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 230

You deserved it 1 596

By IMadeAHandicappedPersonCry - 13/02/2013 04:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was walking to my dorm room while it was snowing heavily. I saw a girl in a wheelchair trying to get up a slippery incline. Being a good person, I asked to help. I'm a pretty weak guy, and I couldn't push her up. She wheeled away crying because she thought she was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 789

You deserved it 6 109

Heart of Glass

By blahblahblah - 15/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 183

Ominous

By IloveMaroon5 - 07/06/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that if your boss unfriends you on Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 812

You deserved it 4 389

By hurts.to.pee - 19/01/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 115

You deserved it 3 781

By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 568

You deserved it 4 609

By runandmope - 29/07/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 768

You deserved it 8 918

Back and forth

By coolrunnings1021 - 05/07/2021 14:01

Today, my wife is a tennis fan and is watching Wimbledon. I hate tennis, but she gets in a mood if I suggest we watch anything else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 589

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 535

You deserved it 14 288

By I already have one, thanks - 09/08/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 244

You deserved it 3 070

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Top comments

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

First he puts on dirty underwear after a shower, and now this! Stop giving head OP!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

He's enjoying it. Trust me, I'm a guy.

Comments

harshpatel009 4

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:49

U shud slap him silly

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:52

Someone got side tracked!!!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:30

His only chance for double penetration

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Saturday 21 January 2012 4:00

3 amazing pleasures all in one.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 5:28

It was hard for him to resist.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 14:56

Why slap him....he must have been relaxed

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Monday 23 January 2012 5:10

Maybe you suck!!! Lmao

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:49

At least he didn't say something insulting? ... Nah FYL

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:55

I'd be insulted.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:48

Millions of babies died on her face. Show some sympathy.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 17:58

Yeah me too... But he didn't say something rude on top of being a dick.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:49

I'd stop and walk away

ClassyCommando 13

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:09

He probably wouldn't notice. He's in a magical dreamland, where he is in an intergalactic war with midget Space-Squids.

captaincook_fml 1

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Saturday 21 January 2012 5:00

From the looks of your pro pic, I doubt anyone has ever let u give them head! Lmao

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Saturday 21 January 2012 5:03

132 Bro.. Shut up

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Saturday 21 January 2012 5:53

132- You're an asshole stfu!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 6:09

I don't have that problem my husband likes it to much lmao

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Saturday 21 January 2012 7:35

143- Don't take anyone on FML too seriously, they're literally bullies hiding behind their computers. They think because it's online it's okay to be a complete asshole, it's not though. I doubt any girl has been willing to give him head judging from how he talks to women!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 8:23

Gross

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Saturday 21 January 2012 9:03

What's up with the people in this thread? Gross on its own.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 11:46

"Don't take anyone on FML too seriously" Okay, i won't take you too seriously then! :D

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Saturday 21 January 2012 17:47

154- If you're talking about 38, which by your comment seems to be the case, he was making a joke. Having a sense of humor does not an asshole make. Taking things to seriously does the opposite however.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 19:04

190- I'm not referring to 38. There was a comment from some guy insulting her appearance.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

He's enjoying it. Trust me, I'm a guy.

ClassyCommando 13

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:53

Absolutely. OP seems to have screwed him stupid. He'll be back to normal in about half an hour.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:19

Wow I read this comment to fast and thought it said,"I'm gay" at the end haha

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:20

I don't know... I usually do this sitting in math class.

afunnyterdcody 5

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Saturday 21 January 2012 15:31

Haha math sucks doesn't it.

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Sunday 22 January 2012 2:13

Naw, it blows.

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Tuesday 24 January 2012 7:08

Haha yep ur right

rcloca 10

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

Pick, pick, picking away, huh?

TalkingTowelTim 0

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:17

Your dog is really cute! *sorry to be off topic*

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:30

More like digging for gold

rcloca 10

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:35

Thanks! *also off topic*

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:54

Every time i see you comment, i take a look at the profile so i can see the puppy better, and every time i read the "stop stalking me" message...

tellithowitis 13

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:54

Ok we'll stop talking to you now.

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Saturday 21 January 2012 4:06

Your dog is awesome, I had to put my life long companion,(a toy fox terroir) down=(. *sorry of topic*

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Saturday 21 January 2012 4:10

P.S., we aren't stalking you, it's just that your dog reminds us of our companions!!!!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

These first comments blow.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

LOL THAT JUST TELLS YOU ABOUT YOUR HEAD GAME !!! Needs improvement

ManlyDunsparce 3

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Saturday 21 January 2012 4:59

He rated it as "meh" on the "pathetic to OH YEEEAAA" scale.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:50

First he puts on dirty underwear after a shower, and now this! Stop giving head OP!

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Saturday 21 January 2012 4:08

Your right, it's the same exact op!!!!!! Op, just divorce him, right now!!!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 5:08

111 the answers not always divorce, although many think that's a false statement.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 7:09

134- I actually agree with you but considering my "extreme amounts of stupidity" I guess that makes me wrong and since I agree with you, you must wrong too! Rude of you to add me to your stupid list - no one cares!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 11:22

151 -You're the one that made a pointless comment, thus, obviously you care.

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Saturday 21 January 2012 17:22

159, im a fucking guy!!! And I kno that's disgusting!! STFU!!

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:51

learn some new techniques. a little variety helps(:

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:53

Expert blower, huh?

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:57

no. it just makes sense that somebody would'nt like the same thing over and over, especially since they are married. lacking variety is a big problem in marriages.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:58

20- Beat me to it.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:24

Hey.

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 21 January 2012 2:29

Do I detect a tinge of jealousy, 20?

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:11

29, you should become a marriage counselor

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Saturday 21 January 2012 3:26

Variety helps both parties. I've gotten to the point of counting sheep as I bobbed... Mmmmarried sex.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 6:36

Aha I think so

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Saturday 21 January 2012 8:06

Chelsea is very right, variety is awesome. Getting the same stuff is boring!

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Saturday 21 January 2012 17:03

Damn, Shrooms, you know my hearts desires.

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Saturday 21 January 2012 1:51

The man obviously holds the key to all pleasures.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 35

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 99