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The all-time greatest FMLs

Put it away

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 22:00

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 992

Send help!

By Anonymous - 19/03/2022 10:00

Today, it's my fifth month with my grandmother-in-law living with me and my partner. She's the most toxic, manipulative person I've ever met in my life. I have no idea when she's leaving. I literally run into rooms when I hear her coming downstairs so I don't have to talk to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 147

Sprain in the ass

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 16:02

Today, after two months of recovering from a sprained ankle, the doctor told me I was fully healed. On the way to my car from the doctor's, I stepped on some leaves, which were covering a small hole. A hole big enough for me to trip on and give me another sprained ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 127

Take the L

By Anonymous - 01/01/2022 04:58 - United States - Chester

Today, it's both my 28th birthday and New Year’s Eve. Even though it's a Friday, tonight’s big plans are frozen pizza and going to bed early. I live with my parents and even they are going out tonight, leaving me to watch the dog. Happy Birthday, loser! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 288

Knock next time please

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 21:32 - India

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 834

My little secret

By biggiejoe - 05/11/2022 10:00

Today, after I hooked up with a chick a few years ago and we ended up having a kid, we have been on and off for about 8 years. This whole time I have never met her family or her close friends. She has met every person in my family and pretty much knows all my friends. Anytime I bring this up she's defensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 404

This needs further details!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 11:01

Today, I was conned out of £50,000 by my own father, who everyone thought had been dead for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 202

These people never learn

By My mother-in-law is a Covidiot - 20/04/2021 20:00

Today, I'm at my mother-in-law's funeral, who died of Covid-19. Months before catching the virus, she would claim that, "the entire Covid thang is bullshit" and "people are just behaving like f****ts over a simple flu." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 224

Living in another world

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 148

The Pope thinks you're selfish

By Anonymous - 16/01/2022 23:01

Today, as part of my job, I had to watch a few 5 year-olds while their parents were busy with my manager. It only confirmed my choice to never have children, and yet my mother still insists I should have one, because once they exist and I love them, I’ll see how silly my choice to not have them is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 178

Dirty sex

By Anonymous - 20/11/2022 06:00 - Canada - Burlington

Spicy

Today, I was in my girlfriend's room when she walked in after getting out of the shower, wearing just a towel. She removed it and I was inches away from going down on her when I noticed she hadn’t wiped properly, either before or after her shower. She'd complained about stomach problems earlier, but regardless… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 136

Don't drugs and drive

By Anonymous - 03/01/2022 13:59

Today, a friend of mine borrowed my car, drove it on drugs, fell asleep at the wheel, and smashed it. Don’t worry though, he’s fine, but my car was described as a “write off”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 293

Don't feed the animals

By Sara - 22/09/2020 07:54 - Canada

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 219

Such a Miranda

By Anonymous - 26/12/2022 00:00

Today, I realised that when I was pregnant I had loads of friends, because pregnancy is cute and awesome and empowering, until the baby actually arrived. Then so-called friends don’t want to visit anymore because babies are loud, sticky, poop everywhere, and get in the way of brunch and shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 625

Pure concentration

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 16:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend bought Elden Ring and hasn’t listened to me once all day. At one point I got his attention by waving my bare boobs at him to remind him it’s his turn to cook. Unfortunately he didn’t listen to me then either, because, you know, my boobs were out and his ears shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 520

Technologically challenged

By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:58 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, during my Zoom PTM my teacher screen-shared his Chrome tab, in which he had opened porn instead of the presentation he had to open, and now mom wants to change my school, where I've been studying in for past 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 144

Gold digger

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 21:00 - United States - Moscow

Today, I asked my boyfriend to help me with groceries, since the last of my money went to last week's groceries. His response was to start a fight, then tell me it's my fault my daughter acts the way she does, which is when he finally got me to break down and cry. I'm pregnant with his kid, and I also pay 90% of our bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 1 008

Girl Bossing

By annie - 10/01/2023 11:00 - United States

Today, I was told I would also be covering some of my boss's shifts next week. She gets to go on a vacation to Europe with the bonus we earned her last year. That's why she was tightening our deadlines to the point where some of the employees had to hire babysitters for their children so we could stay at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 139

Hallucinations

By MariahJoy97 - 10/12/2020 21:17 - United States - Center Point

Today, I've been awake for so long, I've started to hallucinate. I loudly screamed while sitting in the front row of my philosophy class of 200 students because I thought I saw the Tasmanian Devil zooming around the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 574

MariahJoy97 tells us more.

MariahJoy97 16

Friday 11 December 2020 2:16

OP here. This actually happened a couple years ago. I was taking Adderall for ADHD and drinking an egregious amount of coffee. I would stay up for up to 6 days in a row on a regular basis because I was working almost full-time and taking 15 credits of heavy math and science classes and there was no time for sleep. I was going to school in LA and working on my undergrad degree in Biology. I moved back home to Iowa a year later and switched to nursing school which is 10x easier. I'm doing much better now. That wasn't my only hallucination though. I once sat in the middle of the road for several minutes waiting to turn into my apartment because I thought the parking lot entrance was being blocked by a guy wearing a giant easter bunny costume on a riding lawn mower XD

By Dentedbumper - 07/03/2019 14:00

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 1 703

Unstable

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 17:00

Today, after three months of hooking up and talking about dating, the man I was supporting emotionally went back to his ex, who'd reduced the restraining order on him to a no abuse order so they could be together. He left me in his bed to go be with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 603

All in the family

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 02:02

Today, I found out my boyfriend of a year is actually my cousin. Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 119

Parasite

By Anonymous - 13/09/2023 04:00

Today, and since we've had our baby, my mother-in-law started coming round more often, then bringing her stuff to stay overnight, then started claiming she lived here, and got hysterical when we told her she doesn’t. I had to pick her up and place her outside while she punched me in the head repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 110

From a great height

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 21:59

Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 134

Mistaken identity

By Anonymous - 15/05/2022 07:00 - Brazil - Fraiburgo

Today, after cutting my hair and shaving, I had girls hitting on me for the first time ever! Too bad they thought I was a butch lesbian, not a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 161

Sharing is caring

By Eddie - 07/03/2021 23:00

Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 142

Take what you can get

By Anonymous - 19/07/2022 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was feeling sad and lonely. I got a message from my father-in-law asking how I was. I instantly felt great that someone was thinking of me and wanted to chat. It soon became clear that the account was hacked. The hacker said more to me than my own family on the same day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 143

Noise annoys

By boom boom boom - 06/06/2022 01:00 - United States

Today, my neighbor got a ridiculous surround sound system that sounds like Jurassic fucking Park come to life. My walls are literally shaking. I tried asking nicely for them to turn it down. They told me to fuck off, and that if I call the cops with a noise complaint, well… they know where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 97

Bad timing, hun

By Anonymous - 19/01/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, I just had surgery and my wife finally wants to have sex. Not that there haven't been enough other days in the previous years of marriage… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 180

Ratatouille

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 08:02

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 181

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The Top

The Top

Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 123

Today, after I took off a week from work to grieve the loss of my girlfriend, who was very sick and passed due to natural causes, my paycheck suffered because of that and last night, to avoid going back to hard drugs, I went out to the clubs where I blew the only 250 bucks I had on strippers and drinks. Now I have 0 bucks for rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 712

Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 150

Today, and ever since the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office, and now that he's become buddy-buddy with management, they believe him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 2 146

Today, I realized how bad my feelings of inadequacy compared to other women and jealousy are when I started thumbing down songs on Pandora simply because the cover art had a better looking woman than me on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 671

You deserved it 31 560

Today, after working incredibly hard to get into college without having to take out loans, classes started. I was told we'll need a $200 piece of software, and we'll fail without it. There's no way I can afford it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 904

You deserved it 2 191