Love: Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to... - FML

By rozsrredd - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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Messed up

BO Central

Dad, stop driving my car

By nja - 12/7/2020 23:01

Socializing

Today, it's the first day in 14 weeks I've got dressed up and gone out anywhere other than to go food shopping. Shame it’s to attend a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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By

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By stalked - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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By janmesh - 6/11/2020 11:01 - Germany - Köln

Stay indoors, make new friends!

Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:59 - Canada - Regina

Stuck

Today, I found out that I'm not getting a new position I applied for at my company. Now, I have to continue working for my boss, who recently severely criticized my spelling in my reports, only they weren't my reports, and when I pointed this out, she simply never responded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that after 8 months, we are finally getting cable and internet in our house. I move out tomorrow. FML

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By Geewizz - United States

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 20:02 - Canada - Kitchener

In the dark

Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML

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By thecasbah - Norway

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By Barney - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

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By Notabum - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By allinicolesmh - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

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By J - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manhattan

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

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By Alyssa - United States - Spring Park

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

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By AshleyP - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

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By Satan'sChildren - United States - Oak Creek

Kids…

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

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By carrie - 9/5/2021 14:00

Justify My Love

Today, my husband thinks I don’t love him. Why? Because I won’t poop with him in the room. FML

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By 987564 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

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By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

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By Spanky - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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By twit - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

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By anxious spaghetti

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By thankspal - United States

Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

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By meg - 7/2/2021 00:30

Nice

Today I got my senior pictures back from the photographer. When my boyfriend saw them, he said I look creepy. Not pretty, not beautiful, not even decent. Creepy. FML

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By housebroken - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

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By Chessmomma3

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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Top comments

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#6001720 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Looks like the gift of divorce to me.

Oh and Happy Birthday!

By MomentoMori | 23

#6001722 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Get rid of him. You deserve better than trash. Happy Birthday! I hope your day gets better!

COMMENTS

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#6001720 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Looks like the gift of divorce to me.

Oh and Happy Birthday!

Reply

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#6001737 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:04

He couldn't foot the bill, so he decided to split the difference.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001747 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:11

Split a few other things as well.

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#6001775 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:40

A Last minute Walgreens gift: $19.99
The gas it took to speed away from the scene of the lascivious crime: $6.99

The knowledge that you will send him back to studio appartments in the divorce: Priceless.

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6001785 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:53

Divorce money is a great bday present, get a lot of it

Reply

Aubri244 | 11

#6001858 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 17:41

I don't understand why people cheat. fyl op.

Reply

SmokinGuns | 13

#6002089 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 22:13

This Fml reminded me of the South Park episode where Butters' dad went to look for an anniversary present, but was really going to gay clubs.

By leeloo900 | 9

#6001721 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Omg Im so sorry! What a jerk!!

By MomentoMori | 23

#6001722 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Get rid of him. You deserve better than trash. Happy Birthday! I hope your day gets better!

By pd2902 | 22

#6001723 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

awh shit :( sorry to hear that OP :( hope you can still try and enjoy your birthday :/

By spignona84 | 11

#6001724 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

It's the gift that keeps on giving

Reply

LifeAlertTwerk | 14

#6001748 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:12

I'm pretty sure this wasn't the gift she was looking for...

Reply

R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#6001787 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:54

I thought that was herpes? Meh, who knows? I could be wrong.

Reply

911_Guy | 5

#6001788 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:54

You're thinking of chlamydia.

By MrConcise | 34

#6001726 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

He was infiltrating the closet of a rich girl for your gift, you just happened to see the seduction part of the mission.

Reply

leary96 | 15

#6001765 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:30

That's not the only thing he was infiltrating...

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6001814 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 16:39

He was deep under covers.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001825 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 16:49

His gadgets were very handy in this mission. ;)

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#6001728 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

Happy Birthday, Op! Don't let a douche like him ruin your special day!

Reply

aimzskee | 30

#6002124 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 22:48

Happy Birthday op! I hope you still have a good day despite that douche.

By Adam5858 | 17

#6001729 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

Well he was stupid.But how did you find out?

Reply

qprince09 | 2

#6005022 - Friday 11 July 2014 18:38

I want to know too

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6001730 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

That's disgusting, you don't deserve shit like that!

By slipstreak | 10

#6001731 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

In return, you can search from divorce office to divorce office for some divorce papers for him.