Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to... - FML

By rozsrredd - 8/7/2014 05:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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Serious times

Incognito browsing

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By Peekaman - 15/8/2010 22:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By LennyComa - 19/3/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

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By poop - 6/2/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By iblamethetories - 11/10/2012 17:49 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

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By mdg - 4/12/2012 17:16 - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By Olive - 19/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

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By deathstar3548 - 22/9/2014 10:58 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

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By boo - 17/11/2014 03:07 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

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By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By ziatenaj - 15/10/2010 10:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

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By gag reflex - 16/8/2014 16:03 - Australia - Burwood

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML

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By ktorih137 - 14/5/2013 11:32 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By "mbrider" - 12/8/2017 16:00

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - 24/1/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By brokedick - 12/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By life_suxxx - 6/12/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By masterzach21 - 22/1/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

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By msamberjade - 30/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By Username - 6/7/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By spaceavery - 24/9/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By stupiddddddd - 8/7/2009 07:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

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By cuppycakeslove - 7/12/2011 11:35 - United States

Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML

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By stunned - 15/3/2010 15:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML

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By marymark - 13/4/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2013 09:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By seablue - 11/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By trigfail - 25/9/2010 08:57 - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By R2A8 - 1/3/2019 04:00 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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By kill me - 20/6/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

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By Maryann - 8/2/2018 01:30

'Murica

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

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By scarletdurose88 - 19/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

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By SadDad - 6/3/2009 01:51 - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

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By neverleavingthehouseagain - 8/12/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anizzaf - 27/1/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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By Mad Munki - 7/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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By Username - 9/8/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

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Top comments

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#6001720 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Looks like the gift of divorce to me.

Oh and Happy Birthday!

By MomentoMori | 23

#6001722 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Get rid of him. You deserve better than trash. Happy Birthday! I hope your day gets better!

COMMENTS

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#6001720 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Looks like the gift of divorce to me.

Oh and Happy Birthday!

Reply

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#6001737 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:04

He couldn't foot the bill, so he decided to split the difference.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001747 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:11

Split a few other things as well.

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#6001775 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:40

A Last minute Walgreens gift: $19.99
The gas it took to speed away from the scene of the lascivious crime: $6.99

The knowledge that you will send him back to studio appartments in the divorce: Priceless.

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6001785 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:53

Divorce money is a great bday present, get a lot of it

Reply

Aubri244 | 11

#6001858 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 17:41

I don't understand why people cheat. fyl op.

Reply

SmokinGuns | 13

#6002089 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 22:13

This Fml reminded me of the South Park episode where Butters' dad went to look for an anniversary present, but was really going to gay clubs.

By leeloo900 | 9

#6001721 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Omg Im so sorry! What a jerk!!

By MomentoMori | 23

#6001722 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:58

Get rid of him. You deserve better than trash. Happy Birthday! I hope your day gets better!

By pd2902 | 22

#6001723 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

awh shit :( sorry to hear that OP :( hope you can still try and enjoy your birthday :/

By spignona84 | 11

#6001724 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

It's the gift that keeps on giving

Reply

LifeAlertTwerk | 14

#6001748 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:12

I'm pretty sure this wasn't the gift she was looking for...

Reply

R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#6001787 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:54

I thought that was herpes? Meh, who knows? I could be wrong.

Reply

911_Guy | 5

#6001788 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:54

You're thinking of chlamydia.

By MrConcise | 34

#6001726 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

He was infiltrating the closet of a rich girl for your gift, you just happened to see the seduction part of the mission.

Reply

leary96 | 15

#6001765 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:30

That's not the only thing he was infiltrating...

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6001814 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 16:39

He was deep under covers.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001825 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 16:49

His gadgets were very handy in this mission. ;)

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#6001728 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:59

Happy Birthday, Op! Don't let a douche like him ruin your special day!

Reply

aimzskee | 30

#6002124 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 22:48

Happy Birthday op! I hope you still have a good day despite that douche.

By Adam5858 | 17

#6001729 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

Well he was stupid.But how did you find out?

Reply

qprince09 | 2

#6005022 - Friday 11 July 2014 18:38

I want to know too

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6001730 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

That's disgusting, you don't deserve shit like that!

By slipstreak | 10

#6001731 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:00

In return, you can search from divorce office to divorce office for some divorce papers for him.