Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient...

By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 18:01 - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

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Health

Headache

Trust

True hero

By konens_dick - 22/3/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

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By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

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By buses suck - 15/11/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 08:00

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

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By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 08:14 - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By Battlebarney - 22/9/2016 10:58 - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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By (L) - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By 1337fade - 7/4/2011 05:19 - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:52 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

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By kindgartin - 23/4/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

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By santasadiekins - 17/8/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - 18/3/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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By spekledworf - 5/8/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

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By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2017 04:30

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

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By honutattoo - 19/12/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML

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By ashley - 30/4/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 02:20 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 23:22 - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By fail - 5/12/2010 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By finalyearsofhate - 13/3/2017 22:00

Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML

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By ktwithaq - 18/10/2010 11:27 - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 05:39 - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 19:51 - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

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By SteamLass765 - 13/8/2015 09:58

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

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By LaurenB - 7/6/2012 18:12 - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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By Katie - 23/6/2011 16:39 - United States

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2012 14:50 - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By TedX - 19/8/2020 20:07

Denial

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

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By Deanna - 2/10/2019 06:00

Rumble in the night

Today, I spent the night with in a hotel with my boyfriend's parents, because I went with them to visit him in Atlanta. This morning when I woke up, the first thing they said to me was, "Wow, you're a small girl but you snore like a man." FML

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By bdiddy - 11/7/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - 21/6/2012 15:40 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By fyourlife - 21/10/2009 19:53 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

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By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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Top comments

By BigShOtz07 | 5

#5442005 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:32

This reminds me of the movie Teeth *shutters*

By notjanedoe | 27

#5442057 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:51

That reminds me of cows *udders*.

COMMENTS

By BigShOtz07 | 5

#5442005 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:32

This reminds me of the movie Teeth *shutters*

gc327072 | 29

#5442038 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:41

That reminds me of window coverings. *shudders*

notjanedoe | 27

#5442057 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:51

That reminds me of cows *udders*.

HowieDoIt | 21

#5442069 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:58

Th-th-that reminds me of... st-st-*stutters*

Nutz101 | 7

#5442077 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:06

Best comments ever

TwiztedYuri | 9

#5442103 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:24

which reminds me of uuuuunnnhhhh... "nutted"

lonewolf621 | 17

#5442127 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:39

This reminds me of birds,
"flutters"

Bloodjoker | 11

#5442131 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:41

Vagina-Dentata!

Wizardo | 33

#5442148 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:54

Reminds me of an old car *sputters*

pkom96 | 5

#5442234 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 0:35

That reminds me of my clogged up *gutters*

mattlw | 25

#5442247 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 0:39

That reminds me of hoarders
*Clutters

KeXu | 6

#5442251 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 0:41

That reminds me of meat
*apples*

Wizardo | 33

#5442290 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 1:08

Remind me of rain *patters*

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#5442348 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 2:03

reminds me of the top bunk...*ladders*

mattlw | 25

#5442360 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 2:13

That reminds me of deep fryers.
*batters*

Roskosity | 22

#5442364 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 2:16

That reminds me of paint. *Splatters*

epic13 | 12

#5442376 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 2:31

That reminds me of glass.
*shatters*

mattlw | 25

#5442406 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 3:04

I work at a haberdashery.
*hatters*

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5442424 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 3:23

That reminds me of physics
*matters*

Wizardo | 33

#5442430 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 3:29

Reminds me of jizz *wankers*

ApologyKick | 25

#5442480 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 4:11

Reminds me of when I start talking to myself *mutters*

NakMuayAdam | 19

#5442512 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 6:06

That reminds me of airplanes *rudders*

rasengan1544 | 12

#5442513 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 6:09

H-H-Hey is I-it c-cold in here *shivers*

maximus_prime | 24

#5442522 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 6:25

That reminds me of when I patted that lion, "tatters"

juwood | 7

#5442545 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 7:03

Reminds me of golf gear. *putters*

maximus_prime | 24

#5442580 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 7:51

Reminds me of some FML users, "nutters"

maximus_prime | 24

#5442581 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 7:55

Reminds me of some FML users, "nutters"

flockz | 19

#5442602 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 8:18

this entire thread reminds me of repetitive dubstep. *wubbers*

DefiningDivine | 13

#5442666 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 9:57

C-C-C-Combo Breaker!
No? Ok.

mattlw | 25

#5442674 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 10:05

That reminds me of safe sex.
*rubbers*

winterbee123 | 9

#5442720 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 11:06

That reminds me of my lack of *lovers*

mattlw | 25

#5443368 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 22:50

That reminds me of that time I got robbed
*muggers*

LightningCactus | 12

#5443783 - Thursday 11 April 2013 4:56

That reminds me of the time I found some land *lubbers*

BradTheBrony | 19

#5444825 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:30

That reminds me of how I like my toast. With *butter*

Klavier | 5

#5444956 - Friday 12 April 2013 1:11

That reminds me if me. *chatters*

suri_mf | 8

#5446704 - Saturday 13 April 2013 6:31

This reminds me of my dog *Sawyer*.

Wimoweh | 10

#5447587 - Saturday 13 April 2013 23:40

That reminds me of science
*aperture*

By firepanda11 | 7

#5442006 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:32

It diesnt bite It only sucks

omgcyndaquil | 23

#5442089 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:12

No.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5442255 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 0:43

2, a vagina doesn't suck on it's own, lol that would be very very odd!

Grauncho | 26

#5442265 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 0:50

You remind me of a thirteen year old self described "sexpert"

WrongRomance | 11

#5442330 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 1:47

Aw, firepanda11... I really hope you at least aren't female yourself

happle | 21

#5442516 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 6:18

If my vagina sucked, my periods would be even more difficult.

AliceLockehart | 18

#5442536 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 6:50

Why is this an FML? That's awesome! I thought so anyway. It could have been worse, much worse. Like if she hadn't showered in a few weeks or her vagina was prolapsed. Or had teeth. Eurgh.

By liv_graham | 7

#5442007 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:32

i guess there isn't protocol for this

NurseJonathan | 9

#5442117 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:30

Oh yeah they do. There's an entire class for future dentists on how to deal with vaginas spontaneously growing eyes. It's a rampant disease now and days.

Bloodjoker | 11

#5442135 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:44

Why would they teach dentists this? Are they gonna teach the gynecologist about it like a mentor?

NurseJonathan | 9

#5442142 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 23:51

I was being sarcastic. Since when is there a disease for googly eyes spawning on vaginas?

pieman528 | 10

#5443049 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 17:45

Wow.

By notjanedoe | 27

#5442008 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:33

Maybe she mistook you for a dentist? Vagina dentata! Watch out!

lewk908 | 13

#5442582 - Wednesday 10 April 2013 7:57

i bet you see some crazy shit as a gynecologist. pps erryday

By DontThumbMeDown | 8

#5442009 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:33

Lmao. Don't look into the googly eyes or you will die.

By Calculate900 | 4

#5442012 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:33

That's really awesome. I imagine it broke up the monotony.

ironic_legacy | 9

#5442042 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 22:42

Yeah, exactly. I don't see how your life sucks, I'd say you now have a memory you can carry around and laugh at whenever you're feeling down. Your life's been enriched, even if it was in a rather strange way haha