Health: Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That... - FML

By anon - 02/05/2011 10:58 - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 571

You deserved it 2 893

Vulture

Dysfunctional

It's not unusual

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 459

You deserved it 5 367

By yermom - 13/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 657

You deserved it 3 077

Why would I do that to me?

By car keyer - 02/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 722

You deserved it 54 379

By 352 - 18/04/2012 20:18 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 251

You deserved it 4 168

By jcstpierre - 24/04/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I received a mass email from my boss saying we had a position open at the daycare I work at. I knew my boyfriend was looking for a job so I insisted he apply. Later at work, my boss takes me into her office and tells me my employment is being "terminated". My boyfriend is replacing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 490

You deserved it 5 570

By dine and DASH our friendship - 02/05/2017 00:11

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 313

You deserved it 386

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 02:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 191

You deserved it 4 294

By Jeff make - 01/04/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 365

You deserved it 34 398

By Tori - 16/02/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 250

You deserved it 5 001

Sinking feeling

By Daligheri - 02/03/2021 11:01

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after we watched Titanic for the first time together. Why? Two reasons. Because I cried, and apparently men aren't allowed to be emotional, and because she asked me if I would save her or a boat of women and children first. Neither answer was correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 100

By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 471

You deserved it 507

By Anonymous - 25/08/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 249

You deserved it 3 023

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 451

You deserved it 2 610

By abercrombieef - 27/08/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 590

You deserved it 3 932

By fail - 21/12/2010 09:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 005

You deserved it 43 100

By Anonymous - 05/06/2012 18:47 - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 855

You deserved it 9 116

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 909

You deserved it 8 758

By Stef - 05/12/2018 05:00

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 619

You deserved it 283

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 963

You deserved it 31 309

By JJAnd - 28/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 242

You deserved it 47 961

By Anonymous - 15/07/2016 16:14 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 692

You deserved it 3 060

By Anonymous - 12/04/2016 15:44 - United States - Ridley Park

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 301

You deserved it 7 695

By anonymous - 06/03/2010 06:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 605

You deserved it 32 081

By Mervin22 - 29/01/2011 04:10 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 257

You deserved it 4 417

By x_o - 04/08/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 174

You deserved it 3 845

By ouchbrow - 10/08/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 773

You deserved it 14 711

By Garrett - 10/03/2017 15:00 - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 643

You deserved it 344

By goodjobme - 23/02/2016 06:53 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 787

You deserved it 2 114

Frustration

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 12:01 - United States - Aldie

Today, I found out I need surgery for a hernia that blew up after working out. I’ve been working out constantly to keep my mind off of my ex, who was the right person at the wrong time, and now I can’t even do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 88

By bieberslayer - 06/12/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 790

You deserved it 2 197

By vagina dentata for christmas, pls - 25/01/2013 18:51 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house for the first time. Taped to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazoned with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 682

You deserved it 5 027

By svsksosnns - 11/05/2016 03:59 - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 854

You deserved it 1 018

By sad drummer - 17/01/2013 20:50 - United States - La Jolla

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 223

You deserved it 3 006

By Laurel - 25/05/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 799

You deserved it 9 043

Social distancing

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 05:01

Today, we celebrated our daughter's sixth birthday. Out of the 30 invited, 7 showed up. The last one to cancel this morning told us she was ill. My daughter was in tears as this meant the last remaining playmate couldn't come. My wife later saw her tagged on Facebook at another party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 349

By raesos91 - 18/09/2012 11:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 762

You deserved it 2 805

By noname - 29/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 011

You deserved it 3 208

By dumbass - 12/01/2017 09:37

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 604

You deserved it 2 267

By breyn - 18/02/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 476

You deserved it 2 419

By MyLifeSucks - 15/04/2013 22:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 907

You deserved it 2 795

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Top comments

SeasonedLemur 5

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:59

I smoke two joints in the morning I smoke two joints at night I smoke two joints in the afternoon It makes me feel alright I smoke two joints in times of peace And two in times of war I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints and then I smoke two more.

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:23

This is a problem because you ARE stoned a lot, right?

Comments

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:22

first

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:24

last

savs11 13

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:26

Oh wow you made first. Hooray for you. Now here's your free laptop. Oh wait, I lied.

TroII 0

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:27

#1 its spelled "Im a tool."

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:23

This is a problem because you ARE stoned a lot, right?

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:24

That happens to be exactly what I was thinking. =P

fatgirllovesfml 0

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:35

roflmao shit brix

khaya 9

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:42

I was gonna clean my room......

SeasonedLemur 5

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:52

.... but then I got high!

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:26

I was gonna get up and find the broom.....

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:28

I was gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high...

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:29

sorry 38 I didnt see your comment when I posted :(

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:35

my room is still messed up and I know why (why man?)

EverybodyHatesCh 0

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Monday 2 May 2011 18:20

I was gonna go get high!! but then I got high!!! WooHooHooHoooooo

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Monday 2 May 2011 18:44

u look like ke$ha 

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:35

i dnt really see the problem. just get high nd then ull havr n excuse.

littlemissFYL 5

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:35

because I got high, because I got high.

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:41

I was gonna make love to you, but then I got high. I was gonna eat your pussy too, but then I got high. Now I'm jacking off, and I know why!!

littlemissFYL 5

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:42

when I was first reading this, I thought you were going to say you had cancer. just be thankful it isn't, OP :)

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Monday 2 May 2011 23:29

I THINK I HAD THAT TOO. on my eyelid once, but my doctor said I was good looking anyway so it wouldn't marr my overall good lookingness.

countryboyj17 0

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 6:18

#92, cool story bro..

countryboyj17 0

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 6:20

#92, cool story bro..

Mariesandoval 0

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 7:30

That sucks!

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:23

Awwww I'm sorry tht rlly sux.

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:31

I pack this bowl for two...

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:34

rad song

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 5:25

benign? what's that mean?

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 5:33

106-benign means it's not cancerous, it can't kill you like real cancer.my friend had a benign tumor in hr stomach she didn't die cuz it was benign:)

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Thursday 5 May 2011 6:00

ok but I STILL don't know what benign is

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Monday 13 February 2012 2:19

Benign is something that will not harm you. I don't think it's that difficult.

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:23

You'll be the popular kid at school that gets all the chicks.

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:12

op is a girl

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:33

^ exactly this is why it's a good thing

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:50

Doesn't mean she said she was straight 81 :P

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 8:12

look in the corner dumbass

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:26

now u can get high all the time

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Monday 2 May 2011 18:19

I still don't get why it gives you a reason to be high if you just look like you're high?

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Monday 2 May 2011 19:21

cause u have an excuse if some one Accuses u of being high! :D dam op is lucky

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:53

kuz ur not a pothead!!!!

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Monday 2 May 2011 23:24

you have to be a pothead to understand

Ihatecupcakes17 0

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Thursday 5 May 2011 2:40

Lol I just read this convo and it was so funny XD

MidgetInvasion 14

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 8:32

Everyone on this site is high. You're good.

fmart 0

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:27

wont be a problem if u ARE high all the timee :D

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:32

thats not cute . but now u have an excuse into getting high (:

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:33

Who wants to get high anyway?

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:08

15- lots of people. not me but lots of people would like to get high

iLazy 0

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:37

I'm sure towelie wants to get high

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:38

I would always like to get high. Infact I'm getting high right now. You should too 15, loosen up a tad ;)

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Monday 2 May 2011 21:49

anyone who tried it and knows it isn't a drug,and by the way people who wants an excuse for red eyes just say your contact lenses burn(even if you don't wear any)works for me perfectly

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 7:33

anything that alters your levels consciousness and hormonal and chemical balances - with the exceptions of necessities, such as food and water - is a drug. caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, and so forth ... all drugs. don't advocate ignorance, and learn what you're putting in your body before you fuck with substances!

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:33

maybe you should get a pair of sunglasses.

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:33

maby if u gt high ur puples will get super huge.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 8:57

*facepalm*

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Wednesday 4 May 2011 11:35

spoken like a true pothead...o_o...idiot.

doom2 8

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Monday 2 May 2011 16:33

haha, well on the positive side that just gives you an excuse to be high all the time then? (:

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Monday 2 May 2011 23:34

amen to that

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 214

You deserved it 124

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 54