Kids: Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school.... - FML

By Lonely School Kid - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

In my day…

Fake it til you make it

By stuckass - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By PillPopperApparently

Today, after constantly shaming me for my ADHD and anti-anxiety pills, my family finally convinced me to drop $250 on their trusted psychiatrist friend because they thought he’d talk me out of taking them. He recommended higher doses of everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By wastedbaby - United States

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

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By purged - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By replaced - United States - Marietta

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

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By AsianSensation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By just about pissed off - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

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By lady parts - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By MulticoloredSlug - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

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By Ignatius - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By sheisselluv - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By Foosa801 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Vampires are everywhere

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

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By Xena

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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By ... - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By frustrated - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By funnnyyyyy -_- - Nepal - Kathmandu

RIP

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

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By Anon - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Child's play

Today, my 6 year-old bought down a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

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By lulabell - United States

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 23:02 - Germany - Köln

Yummy

Today, I discovered that 90% of what I do still works on autopilot when I’m too tired to pay attention: Take coffee cup, walk to fridge, open fridge door, grab bottle, pour contents into coffee. The missing 10% was the fact that this particular bottle contained grapefruit juice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By Kutakito - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By RP Havens - United States - Galloway

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Question Time

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By D-Man - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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Top comments

By catkat1988 | 17

#6367221 - Friday 31 July 2015 13:12

Some day your parents are going to realise the reason why you're not visiting them in their nursing home: You don't want the children of the other residents to find out they're your parents.

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

COMMENTS

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6367198 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:34

Nice guys finish last!

Reply

mimi_animee | 18

#6367206 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

thats, why i'll treat you like trash

(someone please get this reference)

Reply

nonsensical | 26

#6367208 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:46

niga higa!

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6367301 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:11

but... that's not what I really wanna do.

Reply

ColdRoxas | 18

#6367743 - Saturday 1 August 2015 1:31

that means everyone needs to be mean af so we can all finish first :D ....logic....true logic

Reply

Creed_Aprooved | 12

#6368456 - Saturday 1 August 2015 21:29

idk I like to let girls finish before I do

By Therid | 22

#6367200 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:35

Aaaw. That's so sad. I'm sorry for you, OP.

Reply

blcksocks | 19

#6367299 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:10

I can't decide which is worse... Parents being embarrassed by their kids or the other way around. I mean look at that penis baguette guy in the other post.

By thejonac | 21

#6367201 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:37

sorry but your parents are bitches. you sound nice :) get out there and make more friends, you're gonna find pepple who appreciates you for being you

Reply

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6367469 - Friday 31 July 2015 18:56

op never said they didnt have enough friends its just their parents are trash

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6367586 - Friday 31 July 2015 20:53

another reason 90% people on this app are trash, this persons comment got buried cause she messed up one thing while trying to make the person feel better.... sad. may the down votes begin

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6368127 - Saturday 1 August 2015 13:40

thanks, really appreciate this :-)

By pokemyeyes | 23

#6367202 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

Reply

trellz17 | 19

#6367337 - Friday 31 July 2015 16:26

Showing support gets you thumbed down? Interesting.

By jqmalang | 17

#6367205 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

Some parents... I'm sorry OP but I suggest trying to improve yourself on an activity like sports or learn card magic tricks to show some people. You can make friends easy that way (:

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6367529 - Friday 31 July 2015 19:41

This has nothing to do with OP not having friends.

By Anonypus | 20

#6367207 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

Wow, I'm sorry OP.

By theamazingd | 17

#6367211 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

My, how the turntables...

Reply

everton99 | 16

#6367842 - Saturday 1 August 2015 4:25

Like a DJ?

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6367212 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

Well, that wasn't very Canadian of them.

By EvilLittleMan | 23

#6367213 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:56

Wow. What a pair of Canuckleheads.