Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school.... - FML

By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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Does it taste good?

Who's a good boy?

Goodbye Bill

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 16:13 - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

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By a - 12/2/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2013 04:07 - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By MonsterInLaw - 8/6/2013 23:26 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

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By tampondealer - 9/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

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By Red-cheeked - 18/5/2011 13:08

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 13:07 - United States - Niles

Today, I had my first open job interview, which is when a group of applicants are interviewed together. I also found out that despite being great at one-on-one interviews, I will panic and make myself look like a complete moron when I'm part of a group. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 22:13 - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 05:00

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

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By sadchick - 9/9/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

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By Idk - 29/5/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

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By muffdriver - 26/12/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 06:34 - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By Sarge9774 - 20/10/2016 20:35

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 16:18 - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By oh great - 9/8/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my brother let me fly his two day old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By Jbheller - 3/5/2015 00:08 - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 06:15 - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By "ravensarepurple" - 31/12/2019 02:00

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By nosebleeder - 13/2/2013 20:31 - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By single - 1/7/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By car keyer - 2/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

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By ChevRooon - 27/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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By xyz - 9/2/2009 18:24 - Ireland

Today, I told the man I'm sleeping with I thought my sister was prettier than me. His response: "not significantly." FML

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By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/6/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

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By seriously? - 22/12/2012 22:19 - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - 7/11/2016 13:51 - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

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By MLeguillon - 1/9/2014 04:34 - United States - Imperial

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

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By ... - 10/2/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By K3you - 4/7/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 18:05 - Puerto Rico

Today, I was messing around in computer class, when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

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Top comments

By catkat1988 | 17

#6367221 - Friday 31 July 2015 13:12

Some day your parents are going to realise the reason why you're not visiting them in their nursing home: You don't want the children of the other residents to find out they're your parents.

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

COMMENTS

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6367198 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:34

Nice guys finish last!

Reply

mimi_animee | 18

#6367206 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

thats, why i'll treat you like trash

(someone please get this reference)

Reply

nonsensical | 26

#6367208 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:46

niga higa!

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6367301 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:11

but... that's not what I really wanna do.

Reply

ColdRoxas | 18

#6367743 - Saturday 1 August 2015 1:31

that means everyone needs to be mean af so we can all finish first :D ....logic....true logic

Reply

Creed_Aprooved | 12

#6368456 - Saturday 1 August 2015 21:29

idk I like to let girls finish before I do

By Therid | 22

#6367200 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:35

Aaaw. That's so sad. I'm sorry for you, OP.

Reply

blcksocks | 19

#6367299 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:10

I can't decide which is worse... Parents being embarrassed by their kids or the other way around. I mean look at that penis baguette guy in the other post.

By thejonac | 21

#6367201 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:37

sorry but your parents are bitches. you sound nice :) get out there and make more friends, you're gonna find pepple who appreciates you for being you

Reply

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6367469 - Friday 31 July 2015 18:56

op never said they didnt have enough friends its just their parents are trash

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6367586 - Friday 31 July 2015 20:53

another reason 90% people on this app are trash, this persons comment got buried cause she messed up one thing while trying to make the person feel better.... sad. may the down votes begin

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6368127 - Saturday 1 August 2015 13:40

thanks, really appreciate this :-)

By pokemyeyes | 23

#6367202 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

Reply

trellz17 | 19

#6367337 - Friday 31 July 2015 16:26

Showing support gets you thumbed down? Interesting.

By jqmalang | 17

#6367205 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

Some parents... I'm sorry OP but I suggest trying to improve yourself on an activity like sports or learn card magic tricks to show some people. You can make friends easy that way (:

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6367529 - Friday 31 July 2015 19:41

This has nothing to do with OP not having friends.

By Anonypus | 20

#6367207 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

Wow, I'm sorry OP.

By theamazingd | 17

#6367211 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

My, how the turntables...

Reply

everton99 | 16

#6367842 - Saturday 1 August 2015 4:25

Like a DJ?

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6367212 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

Well, that wasn't very Canadian of them.

By EvilLittleMan | 23

#6367213 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:56

Wow. What a pair of Canuckleheads.