Kids: Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school.... - FML

By Lonely School Kid - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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Understandable

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

There's no helping some people

By EnglishLearner - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 04:53

You sure it was your birthday?

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parkersburg

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dyed my hair for the first time. It turned out great, and I couldn't wait to show it off during my night out with my friends. Everyone was so shocked or disgusted, I ended up claiming I lost a bet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 03:01 - United States - Trenton

Freudian slip

Today, while spacing out about my hot male boss, he called my name for something and I replied, "Yes Daddy?" FML

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By collegekid - 17/5/2020 14:00

Marriage story

Today, after 25 years of marriage, my parents decided to get a very nasty and extremely expensive divorce. Using my college tuition to pay for it. FML

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By frosho - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

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By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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By EwwwwYuck - 3/8/2020 02:02

Yummy

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

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By IvyLeague? - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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By dummy441 - United States

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

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By cbad - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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By IceMage - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By benoit - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

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By Punk'd - 3/4/2021 08:00

Overreaction club

Today, my brother is about to move to a new house, all because last week I played a prank on him. I made him believe that I crashed my car and had to sell his things to pay for the damage. He's no longer talking to me, or acknowledging me as a sibling anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By Virginy - France

Today, I was stuck in the elevator at my building, so I pushed the emergency button which made a ringing noise. After half an hour, I hear someone yelling to the elevator, "Could you stop pushing that button, there are kids sleeping." FML

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By very very lonely

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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By ahhahaha - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

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By Single - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By MimiFufu

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By Mee - Kuwait

Self-care

Today, I was frustrated at work so to have fun, I wrote an email to myself saying that I was great and loved myself and should relax. I used all different colors and fonts. Instead of hitting "delete", I hit "print" without realizing. My manager got it out of the printer and put it on my desk. FML

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By captainlame - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By BoldMoveCotton - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

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Top comments

By catkat1988 | 17

#6367221 - Friday 31 July 2015 13:12

Some day your parents are going to realise the reason why you're not visiting them in their nursing home: You don't want the children of the other residents to find out they're your parents.

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

COMMENTS

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6367198 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:34

Nice guys finish last!

Reply

mimi_animee | 18

#6367206 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

thats, why i'll treat you like trash

(someone please get this reference)

Reply

nonsensical | 26

#6367208 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:46

niga higa!

Reply

helptheorphans | 17

#6367301 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:11

but... that's not what I really wanna do.

Reply

ColdRoxas | 18

#6367743 - Saturday 1 August 2015 1:31

that means everyone needs to be mean af so we can all finish first :D ....logic....true logic

Reply

Creed_Aprooved | 12

#6368456 - Saturday 1 August 2015 21:29

idk I like to let girls finish before I do

By Therid | 22

#6367200 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:35

Aaaw. That's so sad. I'm sorry for you, OP.

Reply

blcksocks | 19

#6367299 - Friday 31 July 2015 15:10

I can't decide which is worse... Parents being embarrassed by their kids or the other way around. I mean look at that penis baguette guy in the other post.

By thejonac | 21

#6367201 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:37

sorry but your parents are bitches. you sound nice :) get out there and make more friends, you're gonna find pepple who appreciates you for being you

Reply

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6367469 - Friday 31 July 2015 18:56

op never said they didnt have enough friends its just their parents are trash

Reply

cole66 | 13

#6367586 - Friday 31 July 2015 20:53

another reason 90% people on this app are trash, this persons comment got buried cause she messed up one thing while trying to make the person feel better.... sad. may the down votes begin

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6368127 - Saturday 1 August 2015 13:40

thanks, really appreciate this :-)

By pokemyeyes | 23

#6367202 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By DeadHorseman | 11

#6367203 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

this is beyond fucked up. if you want my email or anything to talk let me know

Reply

trellz17 | 19

#6367337 - Friday 31 July 2015 16:26

Showing support gets you thumbed down? Interesting.

By jqmalang | 17

#6367205 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:41

Some parents... I'm sorry OP but I suggest trying to improve yourself on an activity like sports or learn card magic tricks to show some people. You can make friends easy that way (:

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6367529 - Friday 31 July 2015 19:41

This has nothing to do with OP not having friends.

By Anonypus | 20

#6367207 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:43

Wow, I'm sorry OP.

By theamazingd | 17

#6367211 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

My, how the turntables...

Reply

everton99 | 16

#6367842 - Saturday 1 August 2015 4:25

Like a DJ?

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6367212 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:54

Well, that wasn't very Canadian of them.

By EvilLittleMan | 23

#6367213 - Friday 31 July 2015 12:56

Wow. What a pair of Canuckleheads.