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By Notthatone - 21/04/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Spicy

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 513

You deserved it 4 039

By CalledOut - 02/02/2015 06:41 - United States - Vancouver

Spicy

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 507

You deserved it 2 558

By Anonymous - 17/03/2015 14:54 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 506

You deserved it 2 995

By nonexistant - 02/10/2009 19:32 - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 506

You deserved it 9 086

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 20:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 504

You deserved it 5 793

By Duped - 27/11/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 502

You deserved it 5 501

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 502

You deserved it 2 279

By Brittany - 03/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered, "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was two years-old, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 502

You deserved it 2 978

By BrokeandDesperate - 06/12/2011 07:03 - United States

Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 502

You deserved it 8 298

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 17:14 - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 501

You deserved it 4 263

Waiting room issues

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 19:08 - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 497

You deserved it 7 610

By sy123 - 29/07/2012 23:34 - United States - Frankfort

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 494

You deserved it 1 870

By thedudeman14 - 05/11/2014 22:21 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 494

You deserved it 3 201

LOL

By iPhonekid - 27/05/2012 07:19 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back, saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 493

You deserved it 7 868

By changeddaily - 20/03/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 490

You deserved it 11 317

Long wait

By Candace - 27/01/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, my best friend planned a birthday party for me at the local Mexican restaurant. NO ONE showed up. We'd told the waiter there would be 18 arriving. Two hours later he brought me free ice cream. Even the non-English speaking waiters knew I was a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 489

You deserved it 3 928

By Anonymous - 20/09/2010 09:37 - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 489

You deserved it 3 862

By User06606 - 29/09/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 489

You deserved it 6 304

By dcort - 08/04/2012 16:39 - United States - New York

Today, while I was getting out of the shower, I saw a spider climb into the ceiling vent. Wanting it to come out so I could kill it, I turned on the fan. It came out, along with a dozen of its friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 488

You deserved it 7 218

dcort tells us more.

dcort 4

Monday 9 April 2012 19:08

Yes, but it wasn't strong enough to suck the spiders in, so instead they all got scared and ran out....

By ab - 09/10/2011 05:11 - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 487

You deserved it 2 577

By me612 - 29/09/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I thought that I had finally sold the car I've been trying to sell for two years. I had the money in my hand and had given over the title. As the "new" owner went to drive it away, the car wouldn't start. I had to give the money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 483

You deserved it 12 763

me612_fml tells us more.

me612_fml 0

Tuesday 29 September 2009 20:38

It was my car and I did drive it to meet them, they test drove the car, turned it off as we negotiated and then when they went to start it again, it didn't start. Apparently, the fuel pump went out in it. Also, I gave the money back because I would have felt like a jerk for not doing that. And I wish that this was fake...then I wouldn't be out a couple thousand dollars right now.

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 482

You deserved it 4 550

Backfire

By Darryl - 12/05/2015 12:53 - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 482

You deserved it 4 970

By Anonymous - 03/06/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 481

You deserved it 7 066

By idkgiraffes - 28/12/2014 03:57 - United States - Everett

Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 480

You deserved it 3 334

idkgiraffes tells us more.

idkgiraffes 12

Sunday 28 December 2014 19:36

OP here, she eventually caved and gave it to me but she said "if House of Cards randomly stops, I know who to blame."

My child is so hilarious!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 480

You deserved it 2 819

By Username - 15/05/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 479

You deserved it 18 102

Empathetic

By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, my 9 month-old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 478

You deserved it 5 180

By Anonymous - 12/08/2011 23:15 - France

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 477

You deserved it 44 752

Pay up!

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving on the tollway my car overheated and died a few yards from the toll booth. I then had to wait, crying, in my smoking car for a patrol guy while cars moved around me. He had to push me through the toll and the lady in the booth said she felt sorry for me but still took my $3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 475

You deserved it 5 144

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The Top

The Top

Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 324

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 1 226

Oof.

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 95

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 938

You deserved it 5 077

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 6 018

Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 430

You deserved it 274