Love: Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I... - FML

By Phoenix0614 - 25/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 379

You deserved it 7 273

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

Sounds like a catch

By laviestpasimal - 07/03/2012 00:14 - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 662

You deserved it 2 481

By Worstjob - 03/03/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 249

You deserved it 4 432

By FMyThroat - 18/01/2013 00:39 - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 618

You deserved it 2 807

Numb

By Anonymous - 12/03/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 1 623

By Anonymous - 20/09/2014 15:28 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 028

You deserved it 14 034

By babs - 07/05/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 103

You deserved it 4 725

By no_hullabalo - 04/09/2009 14:50 - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 741

You deserved it 3 451

By icareaboutmyhair - 28/02/2011 15:27 - Estonia

Spicy

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 684

You deserved it 6 795

By IMAWAKE - 17/03/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 111

You deserved it 3 828

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 007

You deserved it 7 057

By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 089

You deserved it 7 733

By Anonycock - 06/01/2016 17:15 - Qatar - Doha

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 765

You deserved it 3 881

By MadameM - 26/02/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 019

You deserved it 9 719

By reptar2009 - 02/12/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, my parents found cigarettes in my car. After a long argument lasting over an hour, I convinced them that they weren't mine and that I don't smoke. A few minutes later, I went to work. Guess who decided to visit me during my smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 381

You deserved it 86 884

By Anonymous - 12/03/2015 03:19 - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 572

You deserved it 2 888

Family matters

By smbcolorado - 04/02/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 113

You deserved it 4 193

By PuppyLove2009 - 13/11/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 953

You deserved it 3 837

By stelssy - 26/01/2013 05:03 - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 192

You deserved it 12 922

By Annoyed - 15/01/2017 18:00

Spicy

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 912

You deserved it 1 676

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 543

You deserved it 5 616

Paparazzi

By iStoleTheBrownie - 25/08/2017 01:32

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 3 883

Dumb, but relatable

By Maju - 31/10/2019 04:00 - Netherlands

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 2 613

By badwaitress - 05/06/2009 17:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 831

You deserved it 27 175

By I love my furry babies - 18/05/2019 16:09

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 2 464

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 028

You deserved it 5 401

By Anonymous - 18/03/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 880

You deserved it 4 054

By Anonymous - 01/08/2011 21:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 954

You deserved it 71 556

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 02:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 031

You deserved it 3 297

Age appropriate

By Anonymous - 14/07/2020 20:01

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 530

Insurance is a scam

By leogs23 - 27/02/2021 16:58

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 192

By Mothering - 11/07/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 099

You deserved it 12 540

By melikeyturtles - 10/10/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 484

You deserved it 4 750

By Anonymous - 11/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 562

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 05:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 8 249

By Username - 27/05/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I finally get to go home after a 16 day training event in Colorado. The plane has been sitting in the runway for over three hours due to lightning storms and we're not allowed to leave. We've spent more time on the ground waiting than the flight itself would take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 552

You deserved it 3 267

By WellGroomed - 26/11/2015 15:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 580

You deserved it 1 572

By cherrycokeee - 06/02/2010 18:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 836

You deserved it 7 017

By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 22:00

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 923

You deserved it 617

By -_-" - 11/01/2014 23:13 - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 135

You deserved it 9 014

By Mmm - 25/07/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 343

You deserved it 23 019

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

doink 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:20

It could have been worse. You could have bought $30 of cat food and a Snickers bar.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 16:11

Mr. Snuggle Mittens would like to have a word with you regarding your TPS reports...

Comments

doink 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:20

It could have been worse. You could have bought $30 of cat food and a Snickers bar.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 16:09

It could have been even worse than that. She could have bought $30 worth of Snickers, some cat food, and a douche kit.

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 17:28

It could have been even worse than that. She could have bought $30 worth of Snickers, some cat food, a douche kit, a bottle of Mad-Dog 20/20 and a lot of Vaseline.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 17:36

it could have been even worse than the previous replies. She could have bought $30 worth of Snickers, some cat food, a douche kit, a bottle of Mad-Dog 20/20, a lot of Vaseline, and drain cleaner for unclogging her pipes (if you know what I mean).

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 17:47

You left out the big honkin' cucumber and a butternut squash.

KingDingALing 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:08

hahahahahahahhahaha oh god all of u r way to funny

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:59

Wait, but what in the world does a protein bar have anything to do with being a crazy cat lady?

PottentialFML 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 January 2010 5:22

Too bad she isn't a guy cause she gets a lot of pussy

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 January 2010 5:42

hahaha funny shiitt!!

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2010 6:23

#57 epic win

cynicalsatireman 12

Send a private message

Saturday 21 June 2014 3:26

C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

nadsm 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:22

this is very true. at least you're not THAT single cat woman?

spoo 24

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 20:51

Also keep in mind, if you make lots of trips to the store. this doesnt count. I often go buy litter/food for my cats. When I pour the last bit from the bag, i often go the 1 block and buy a new one right away. I also make 5-10 visits a week...

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:28

I hope you actually work those protein bars off, those things will make you faaaaat if you don't exercise.

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 14:11

they won't make you fat if you buy the right ones that have very low sugar...der

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:30

So what? Your the one that made yourself into That woman. If you don't like it then take charge of your life and make a change! Oh and don't talk to your cats like they are people... it may freak out any potential suitors you may get.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 16:11

Mr. Snuggle Mittens would like to have a word with you regarding your TPS reports...

Secret_Fire_King 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:33

Oh no, OP.. I used to work as a cashier.. I've had people come in and do that, but one of those women looked like a witch.. No kidding.. She had blonde hair and eye-liner.. She came in with her mum/ grandma sometimes.. Very creepy..

relyo 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:41

Well, on the bright side, at least it wasn't $30 worth of Häggen Däss. Also, I'd be more than happy to remedy the whole "single" issue.

relyo 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 12:44

Also, before I get flamed for poor spelling it it's actually Häagen-Dazs.

MadeOfAwesome 1

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:09

You could've saved yourself the trouble and wrote ice cream. Or Ben and Jerry's, which is much better anyway.

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:47

Why do you care so much about spelling?

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:48

...

Send a private message

Wednesday 27 January 2010 7:32

What is that? or a mad dog 20/20?

Ultimate_Cynic 0

Send a private message

Thursday 28 January 2010 0:59

Mad Dog 20/20 is wine. Well, sort of. It's technically wine, but it comes in all variety of horrid citrus flavours. It's dirty, dirty, nasty liquor, but ye GODS does it ever get you drunk.

ilysweetcupcake 1

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:13

I agree with number eight

nadsm 0

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:18

relyo- looks like you got flamed anyway. no good.

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:27

Yes, I was just going to ask if you had become THAT single woman. Well, actually I wasn't.

Send a private message

Monday 25 January 2010 13:41

Are you my stalker

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 80

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 87