Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML
Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML
Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML
Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office. I've been working hard doing extra work so I can get promoted. He called me in to tell me I'm to reliable in my current position, so I won't be moving up. FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML
Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML
Today, I got home from visiting family for 4 days. Before leaving, I had cleaned my whole apartment and done all of my laundry, except the clothes I worked in the day I left. By the time I got back, ants had set up a colony in said clothes and my laundry hamper. I even found some in my bed. FML
holly_fly tells us more.
holly_fly 34
This is pretty good. XD I was actually visiting mom, dad, and bros for the first time after moving away. It was not pleasANT at all, but thankfully I can laugh about it now. ?
Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, a guy who lives in my condo complex threatened to take my husband and me to small claims court. Why? He was mad about the $300 fine to get his truck back after it was towed, because he was parked in our spot. FML
Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML
Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML
Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML
Today, I was studying when a tremendous crash of glass sounded from the other room. Was it a burglar? Nope. The cat had tried to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the cabinet, missed, and slammed into the cabinet's glass door. FML
Emmereen tells us more.
Emmereen 29
OP here. My cat was not hurt, thankfully. He briefly looked a bit shaken, and then felt the need to be underfoot while I cleaned up the glass. He's made that jump before and since, though nowadays a tall cat tree seems to satisfy his desire to launch himself to great heights.
Today, while on a weekend away, my boyfriend and I went for a walk. I now get to tell everyone the story of how my boyfriend got down on one knee into a pile of cow shit while proposing. FML
Today, I got home from working abroad for eight months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over three parking tickets my mom didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for six years. FML
Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML
Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML
Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML
Today, I found out firsthand how a civilised conversation about renewable energy can turn into a long debate about whether or not you can have sex with an oil drill. FML
deathtojesus tells us more.
deathtojesus 20
In all honestly, as the author of this FML I have no ******* idea
Today, my husband is going on his fifth consecutive day without a shower. He’s been working 16-hour shifts, and though I'm empathetic to his exhaustion, his foul body odor has overtaken the bedroom, and his excretions have discolored his side of the bed. I fear the worst. FML
Today, now that my daughter is going through a phase where she can't sleep alone, I let her sleep in the room with me under the condition that she let me sleep. Message received. She took care not to wake me while placing about 30 stickers in my hair. FML
Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML
Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML
Today, I was cleaning up the kitchen after a nice cozy dinner with my boyfriend at his parents' country house. I picked up the bottle of olive oil we'd used for cooking and spotted two dead mice in it. FML
Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML
Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML
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