Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my... - FML

24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 257

You deserved it 535

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Taking stock

The truth will out

19/02/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was at the library studying. There was a really cute guy across the room. I decided to play it cool and walk his way and grab some water. Right as I walked by, my body decided to let out the loudest fart. He laughed. I kept walking and asked my friend to grab my books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 923

You deserved it 14 088

19/08/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 765

You deserved it 6 927

06/01/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 619

You deserved it 3 060

30/12/2018 14:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 245

You deserved it 919

Can't choose

By Blackmailed - 21/09/2021 17:00

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was cool, until I found out that the HR recruiter was my mother-in-law. She told me that the work was mine if I break up with her daughter. I have until the next Wednesday to think about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 72

Karen strikes again

By lanadelreylover - 04/06/2021 17:01

Today, I was working at a carnival. I was on the ticket booth, and middle aged lady came up asking for a refund for $50 worth of tickets she didn’t use. However, there are signs saying I can’t give out refunds. She spent 10 minutes yelling at me to give her a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 58

07/01/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 588

You deserved it 3 282

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 329

Don't overdo it, it's bad for you

By sara - 13/05/2021 01:59 - Canada

Today, I have wasted so much time reading comments on this page that FML comments have become my favorite bedtime stories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 262

18/06/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 447

You deserved it 676

Flip-flopping

By Brandenn J Moore - 11/07/2021 04:01

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been living with for the last month, told me she's not attracted to me and wants to see other people. She told me this after months of dating and telling me she was thinking about having a child with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 75

06/01/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 434

You deserved it 4 001

03/04/2012 17:48 - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 001

You deserved it 5 207

26/11/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 834

You deserved it 5 733

11/07/2015 03:49 - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 816

You deserved it 2 825

03/07/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 053

You deserved it 5 619

15/04/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 852

You deserved it 88 696

16/02/2011 14:26

Today, lice were found in my hair. At the hair salon. I'm now banned from that salon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 477

You deserved it 12 334

30/03/2015 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 419

You deserved it 2 585

14/08/2009 15:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 672

You deserved it 7 953

24/09/2014 17:17 - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 646

You deserved it 2 591

30/10/2012 14:27 - United States

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 049

You deserved it 4 646

27/06/2014 10:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 436

You deserved it 4 222

01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 340

You deserved it 4 130

Unionize

By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 427

28/03/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 907

You deserved it 236

16/08/2017 13:00

Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 102

You deserved it 264

15/06/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I'm three months pregnant. Hours after the father of my baby bought me a wedding ring, he decided to get drunk and tell me that he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life, and doesn't really want to get married. Oh and he hates my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 283

You deserved it 7 611

26/03/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 318

You deserved it 6 301

26/02/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 810

You deserved it 29 235

Tell us more

By kateannobrien - 11/08/2021 20:01

Today, my birthday was terrible yet again. This year, my boyfriend skipped celebrating with me at all. Last year, he guilt-tripped me about ‘having’ to spend time with me and got me two gift certificates that were unusable due to COVID. These weren’t even my worst birthdays to date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 151

18/12/2008 08:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 099

You deserved it 29 264

FML: Uncensored

By LindseyS - 20/03/2012 02:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 005

You deserved it 106 463

07/08/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 771

You deserved it 3 499

01/08/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 261

You deserved it 3 593

02/05/2019 10:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 003

You deserved it 249

Lazy ass

By Anonymous - 23/04/2015 17:04 - United States - Cherry Hill

Spicy

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 531

You deserved it 3 301

29/06/2016 03:11 - United States - Charlton

Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 000

You deserved it 898

24/02/2009 22:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 202

You deserved it 7 724

14/05/2010 04:33 - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 071

You deserved it 32 280

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

itssnotfunny 24

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 2:06

Well why'd you tell people about it? Nobody would have known to call you that. You must have expected something like that.?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 3:14

i bet that'll be the only thing sucking your dick for a while lol

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 2:01

Would that nickname be Groot

itssnotfunny 24

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 2:06

Well why'd you tell people about it? Nobody would have known to call you that. You must have expected something like that.?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 2:43

Ummm... What was it?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 5:42

Check OPs name

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 3:14

i bet that'll be the only thing sucking your dick for a while lol

species4872 19

Saturday 25 March 2017 5:57

Think you got it bad, just think what the tiny "leaf" friends are calling him.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 March 2017 9:15

...the only place this makes sense to occur at, from my point of view, is at some sort of communal camp and that another camper saw the tick first. Also, can I say "ouch" given how painful tick removal can be? And OP possibly was exposed to Lyme disease on top of that. That seems like more of a FML than the nickname.

Send a private message

Sunday 26 March 2017 10:11

the name is OPs name....

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 42

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 108