Today, I was cleaning up the kitchen after a nice cozy dinner...

By Lisbeth - 7/1/2018 19:30 - Canada - Mascouche

Today, I was cleaning up the kitchen after a nice cozy dinner with my boyfriend at his parents' country house. I picked up the bottle of olive oil we'd used for cooking and spotted two dead mice in it. FML

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White line fever

Live dumping

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 15:08 - United States - Venus

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

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By jolene11 - 17/5/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By mollyeyers - 22/8/2010 17:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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By Username - 24/2/2010 15:06 - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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By Cold&Soaked - 3/2/2018 05:00

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2019 02:00

Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show, I wished my house was haunted so at least some sort of presence was with me, even if it was in another dimension. FML

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By Mini-wanker - 18/10/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By LacrosseFAIL - 16/7/2016 22:33 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

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By Loveandpoetry - 31/5/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 11:14 - Netherlands

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By Dirtyswede - 17/6/2009 14:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By jazzybell - 21/11/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

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By stillyoung - 2/11/2010 06:50 - Australia

Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

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By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

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By UGH - 8/4/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By Sexting - 21/8/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

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By Shock91 - 11/9/2019 02:02 - China - Beijing

Milky Milky

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

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By SadOral - 3/7/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

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By Ethan - 9/3/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By sllaggy - 18/4/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By AussieG75 - 21/7/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

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By nonfreehugs - 4/10/2012 05:09 - United States - Seattle

Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

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By UglyFace - 30/11/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By disgusted - 25/9/2014 04:03 - United States - East Waterboro

Today, while working as a teacher at a daycare, a two year-old girl decided the best way to share that she had pooped was to reach in her diaper and attempt to hand some to me. FML

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By z - 7/11/2008 07:14 - Greece

Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML

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By thechad_144 - 1/6/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

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By Lesbihonest - 17/6/2015 13:31 - Australia - Gymea

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By poopiemanlol - 1/12/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

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By Jules - 21/2/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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By facepalm - 15/10/2014 23:36 - United States - Gainesville

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

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By ewww - 30/7/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

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By terrified - 8/6/2015 03:13 - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. After assessing the loss, I saw a taunting note on the fridge saying, "Locks work best when the door's SHUT." My housekeeper had apparently left the door wide open. FML

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By purplexangel - 2/8/2012 17:32 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583548 - Monday 8 January 2018 2:02

The mice needed oiling, they’ve been squeaking for a long time.

By loopylaura88 | 16

#7583541 - Monday 8 January 2018 1:46

how big is that olive oil and how did you not notice before hand???

Comments

By loopylaura88 | 16

#7583541 - Monday 8 January 2018 1:46

how big is that olive oil and how did you not notice before hand???

littlelia | 22

#7583583 - Monday 8 January 2018 6:16

she might not have helped cook, or didn't use the olive oil herself

By 09051308288 | 17

#7583543 - Monday 8 January 2018 1:49

Maybe the mice are vegan.

By draghkar | 16

#7583544 - Monday 8 January 2018 1:55

That’s plain nasty. Good news, if you’re cooking with it, you killed any potential cooties. And now, you have that image, think of it when you want to stop eating. It works.

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583548 - Monday 8 January 2018 2:02

The mice needed oiling, they’ve been squeaking for a long time.

By abigiggles | 38

#7583552 - Monday 8 January 2018 2:16

Don’t you know that souris à l'huile d'olive is a new fad?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7583560 - Monday 8 January 2018 3:09

Mouse--it's what's for dinner.

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7583563 - Monday 8 January 2018 3:48

aren't those bottles kind of clear? you didn't see them or a shadow of them? how did they get in the bottles? how did no one notice this? I have so many questions and not enough time.

By s2_mIchy_s2 | 23

#7583574 - Monday 8 January 2018 4:53

? not something you wanna read while on your lunch break at work

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7583575 - Monday 8 January 2018 5:06

How even ?!?!

By rebeccabyram | 15

#7583619 - Monday 8 January 2018 8:34

It accentuates the flavour