Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in...

By thefoolwhorippedhispants - 20/4/2018 01:30

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

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Work

Rock, hard place

Instadrama

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - 20/7/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 22:26

Today, I text messaged my mom from Afghanistan to let her know everything was okay. She responded, telling me not to message her so much because "the price of text messages really adds up." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 14:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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By megatron - 16/3/2016 17:04 - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By LiLGeek - 12/1/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - 9/3/2014 18:38 - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By deucelututi - 31/5/2009 12:03 - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

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By mn051299 - 10/2/2016 09:09 - Switzerland - Richterswil

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 04:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

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By jamisbetter - 11/4/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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By cloud7 - 27/12/2011 03:40

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By nicchick411 - 27/3/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - 24/6/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By poormum - 17/11/2016 11:41 - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By NotoriousSRJ - 28/1/2011 15:43 - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By Tom - 1/11/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

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By TehUglyLife - 29/7/2013 19:11 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I tried to help a bird who had broken his wing. I walked straight into a door while looking down at him in my hands, and ended up all but breaking his other wing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I learned that when the power goes out at my house, my family thinks you can no longer flush the toilet. FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/4/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

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By parenting sucks - 1/7/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Tennisplayer - 10/2/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

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By lex31 - 14/2/2012 13:24 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

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By anonymous - 22/2/2011 07:07

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

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By KMROYALShottie - 27/5/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Jex - 6/10/2012 10:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

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By UnderAcheiver - 26/8/2016 20:46 - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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By Thatgirl - 14/4/2019 20:00

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 16:46 - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 18:07 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML

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By aero00 - 27/7/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 16

#7625076 - Friday 20 April 2018 1:48

Are you a plumber? If so, showing your ass crack is mandatory.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7625077 - Friday 20 April 2018 1:51

I hope your underwear wasn't too embarrassing.

Comments

By Lobby_Bee | 16

#7625076 - Friday 20 April 2018 1:48

Are you a plumber? If so, showing your ass crack is mandatory.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7625077 - Friday 20 April 2018 1:51

I hope your underwear wasn't too embarrassing.

ohsnapword | 21

#7625084 - Friday 20 April 2018 2:35

He got them from K-Mart.

LittleRed79 | 39

#7625093 - Friday 20 April 2018 4:35

Better embarrassing underwear than no underwear at all

By RichardPencil | 28

#7625082 - Friday 20 April 2018 2:04

You didn’t feel the breeze on your balls?

By devi_916 | 39

#7625083 - Friday 20 April 2018 2:06

Keep doing it over and over until it isn't funny anymore, then sing a song about it.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7625086 - Friday 20 April 2018 3:01

Rip pants? RIP dignity.

By saidoh | 14

#7625092 - Friday 20 April 2018 4:25

Lmao @ the username

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7625096 - Friday 20 April 2018 5:08

and that's why I wear gym shorts underneath. my line of work I rip my jeans like that fairly often.

tonyfan00 | 38

#7625103 - Friday 20 April 2018 5:31

What job is that?

Donut_Wizard | 23

#7625162 - Friday 20 April 2018 9:56

Stripper?

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7625102 - Friday 20 April 2018 5:30

Please, PLEASE tell me you were wearing underwear!!

By sunshine1421 | 14

#7625111 - Friday 20 April 2018 6:11

you didn't feel that breeze all day

By Chazzster | 20

#7625301 - Friday 20 April 2018 17:35

OP - I’m sorry but my first thought was “Drunk, high, or stupid? How could you not have noticed?”