Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

4229

416

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

Work

Health

White line fever

The opposite of a good idea

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By laurlaur - 5/8/2011 21:47 - United States

34931

2897

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

By WaitedOut - 3/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

31174

2098

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

By nothing_nobody - 23/6/2016 01:31

14483

1925

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

By theuglyone - 22/8/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

44997

5825

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

By Ew - 26/5/2016 13:02 - United States - Washington

8411

11964

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

By artmfanforever - 22/9/2010 20:39 - United States

14274

25678

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet my parents. They prepared dinner for us - mushroom pasta. I have always hated mushrooms, so I spent the entire dinner trying not to gag. Unfortunately, I did gag and my mom got up and smacked me so hard I fell out of my chair. FML

By aeris - 11/11/2018 09:30 - United States

3516

394

Today, I sent my boyfriend of over a year a text message telling him how much I loved him, how perfect he is for me and what I love about him. He sent me back a text saying, "I thought you had class." FML

By Marine - 28/3/2009 05:38 - United States

58137

8464

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

By Anonymous - 5/9/2015 04:58 - United States - Latrobe

25368

2356

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

32160

8880

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2017 20:00

6074

1006

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

By uneek_3225 - 22/10/2009 05:53 - United States

46008

3463

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

By Disney - 18/2/2011 22:29 - United States

38055

8374

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 23:37 - United States

29921

6506

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

By housewiththinwalls - 10/10/2014 23:22 - Sweden

44711

3931

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 18:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

26837

2638

Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML

By CUNTCUNTCUNT - 29/1/2014 21:28 - Australia - Slacks Creek

48414

7322

Today, I received the honorary title of "student of the month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML

By AlwaysAfraid - 23/10/2015 22:33 - United States

25671

2485

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 17:22 - United States

37109

3436

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

7941

66489

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML

By SmallAngel - 22/3/2013 00:35 - United States - Aurora

53103

3540

Today, my wackjob roommate decided to sit next to me on the couch, basically make out with her pet rabbit, and baby-talk to it. Key highlights involved giggling while the bunny licked up inside her nose and then commenting on the rabbit's "pronounced nipples". Why? FML

By Jade - 22/8/2013 00:09 - United States - Reseda

43890

3949

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

28285

4274

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML

By Not his SunShine anymore - 10/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Manchester

12581

992

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

33416

8247

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

By NickC - 28/11/2009 10:16 - Malaysia

11202

50367

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

By Ah hell - 31/1/2009 14:43 - United States

11806

52289

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

By - 19/3/2019 08:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

1904

250

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

By UglyGirl - 8/11/2015 09:34 - United States - San Francisco

20235

1915

Today, I ordered a graduation cake from a woman at the grocery store. She asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I said "Congratulations Annie". Then she asked me who was ordering and I said "Annie". I had to order my own cake. The woman was silent. FML

By Annebelle - 14/5/2009 18:09 - United States

53796

6707

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

By he's a dawk, and a cunt - 5/7/2013 22:29 - Australia - Darling Point

47896

7865

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

By vanessa_d15 - 10/11/2009 09:09 - Canada

10436

23532

Today, I bought a new $10,000 car since my old one broke down. Today, I also found out the old one wasn’t starting because i never had it in park. FML

By crossl17 - 12/11/2018 15:30

1094

4457

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:33 - United States

26842

4209

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

By pissfaced - 2/1/2010 13:41 - New Zealand

9102

73129

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

37413

5242

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

By anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:27

36236

3152

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 23:44 - United States

39449

5872

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

22865

56244

Today, I was sitting waiting for my train for a long while. When it finally came, I had pins and needles in my foot. When I got up, I fell and unsuccessfully stumbled towards the train. The doors closed and it left without me. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2011 10:43 - Australia

31670

4540