Work and Health: Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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4248

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Work

Health

How to make a sociopath

Close quarters

Spy vs. Spy

By anonymous - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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38689

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By queen - Brazil

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

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11860

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By y00na

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2094

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1109

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By kb - United States

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36612

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4019

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By time to lawyer up - United States - Forney

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27352

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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28807

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4982

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By MollyMo - United States

Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66981

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41800

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By stalkered - United States

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49990

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3084

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By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24679

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9180

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27402

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6898

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By mus

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

605

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3443

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54522

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32882

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3853

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By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29284

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3121

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By wtf?! - 30/5/2020 05:00

Purple rain, purple rain

Today, out of boredom, I decided to dye my hair. I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders. My insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having sex with a boyfriend I don’t even have. She won’t listen, and I’m grounded for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1626

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250

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By meepdaleap - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44232

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9544

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49188

You deserved it

11953

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40135

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6744

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By finalfantasy - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3735

You deserved it

245

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By Whyme - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36193

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By eatmyshipoopie - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21076

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9855

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By Anonymous - Turkey

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36753

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By newestallen

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3220

You deserved it

413

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By Plasticface - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17062

You deserved it

37709

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By BloodyMarry - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51641

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By stopinthenameoflove - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54975

You deserved it

15370

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By kinkicali - United States - Maple Valley

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16432

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4079

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1051

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By apaterra - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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21840

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By "Sam Fazackerley"

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1553

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879

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45480

You deserved it

9167

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By foops - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45749

You deserved it

11559

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By Slaanesh - France

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

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8018

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By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1495

You deserved it

595

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By Frozen Food Fan - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24886

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5505

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By wetbutt - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17914

You deserved it

68292

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By Gassy and sassy - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I farted while I was in the car with my driving instructor and my partner. They couldn't hear it, but it smelled so bad that my instructor thought there was a gas leak, and he made us switch cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33878

You deserved it

6749

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By Coffee Boy - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29992

You deserved it

1977

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31712

You deserved it

3512

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40249

You deserved it

4818

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Top comments

By arioch_fml | 20

#7464530 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:12

So fake, Op you're full of shit.

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7464526 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:02

What?

COMMENTS

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7464526 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:02

What?

By MisterKnowItAll | 15

#7464527 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:02

I would say the shit hit the fan, but you're not getting any shit.

By arioch_fml | 20

#7464530 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:12

So fake, Op you're full of shit.

By EstrangedWife | 3

#7464531 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:15

You were fired for not going to the bathroom. You worry the customers. This is an obvious YDI *joking*

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7464532 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:22

They made you go because you weren't able to.

By CrusnikRoxas | 20

#7464533 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:22

Oh man, now this story I have to hear xD Still bit of a....shit situation :p

By bobsanction | 16

#7464534 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:32

I'm guessing you didn't give a shit?

By Kristoffer | 35

#7464537 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:40

Well, shit.

By Regulate | 21

#7464543 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:52

You're a shit model?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7464544 - Saturday 3 June 2017 2:53

I'm sorry, butt when you have a shitty job, you have to produce.