Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

4244

422

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

Work

Health

Social distancing gone wrong

Boom, headshot

My body, my choice

By hhhhhhhpeterwut - 19/2/2013 03:21 - United States - Bethesda

9325

54637

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

By artist - 29/3/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

36773

4500

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 22:47 - United States

39155

6542

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 04:02 - United States

39380

6531

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2010 04:26 - United States

16026

38741

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

By Pimp-Daddy - 21/7/2009 14:55 - Canada

46334

14104

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

27512

4469

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2020 01:00

It's just me

1952

199

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 08:00

Hello everyone!

2136

262

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

By androidjezus - 3/11/2019 18:30

Halloween, the long wait

1654

428

Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML

By Sam - 18/1/2010 17:05 - United States

33273

2988

Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML

By scratchy - 8/2/2011 21:39

36105

2726

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

By too tight - 15/2/2012 11:26 - United States

21217

13988

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 20:22 - United States

25372

5777

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, "Lets pretend you are someone else." FML

By somebodyelse - 17/8/2009 05:13 - United States

58659

5475

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

By Nickname - 27/8/2018 06:00

3281

255

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

By RKE - 5/11/2009 02:12 - United States

35484

3304

Today, after frolicking in some long grass near a lake, my dog got back in the car smelling strongly of poop. Upon further investigation, I discovered that a sewer had overflowed in the area. My dog rolled around in human faeces. FML

By Mr Pippin - 9/9/2018 22:00

2877

300

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

By SimpleSwimmer - 4/10/2011 16:18 - United States

33898

3257

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

By holyshitbatman - 9/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

26804

2997

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

By GiantsFan13 - 23/7/2013 14:49 - United States - Fort Collins

65729

8540

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

20159

1897

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

By fire1 - 25/10/2011 04:30 - United States

33043

2305

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

By missy - 9/3/2009 22:54 - United States

87238

8633

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

By Nick Nameous - 1/1/2009 06:22 - United States

24144

5260

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 01:05 - United States

30970

2788

Today, I got in trouble at work because the person whom I trained, and had done everything correctly with no mistakes and said he was comfortable being on his own when I asked, was screwing it all up over the course of 6 weeks. When I asked him, he said, "I think my way's better than yours." FML

By Dezzmond68 - 15/9/2016 20:26 - Canada - Aylmer

11817

860

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Dunmow

45079

5473

Today, I went to buy my prom dress. I felt really good as I walked out of the dressing room, until someone walked out of the room next to me wearing the same dress, and looked better in it than I did. It was a man buying it for his drag show. FML

By draggirl - 13/10/2009 17:26 - United Kingdom

35443

4327

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 22:02

1587

168

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

By anonymous - 17/7/2012 04:54 - Canada - Boucherville

25691

2162

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

By Jordan - 8/4/2012 10:37 - Australia - Wahroonga

28233

3546

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

By Lapis - 20/12/2009 19:42 - United States

33846

2860

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 13:37 - United States - Palmer

25523

2560

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

29943

2338

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

28163

2324

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

25915

5268

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

By broken - 13/9/2009 04:26 - United States

43848

4442

Today, I got on a two hour train ride to go to a concert. I had been so caught up in handling the train tickets that halfway to the concert, I realized I had left the concert tickets on my dresser. FML

By sirensaresexy - 24/7/2012 13:54 - United States - Long Beach

25748

9028

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 22:00 - United States

21091

119414