The Top

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Slippin' and a-slidin'

By Anon - 13/03/2009 04:00 - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 549

You deserved it 6 015

Trading places

By Clarie Sierra - 03/06/2021 20:01

Today, after 6 years of dating, 2 years of marriage, a daughter and another one on the way, my husband decided that he’s "not the one for me" and told me he was leaving for his co-worker who he’s only known for a few months. Apparently they’re more "meant to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 340

You deserved it 355

By THATguy - 21/09/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 099

You deserved it 2 306

Thank God For VPN

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 16:59 - Nigeria

Today, the government of my country banned Twitter because Twitter deleted one of our president's tweets yesterday. Democratic government, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 187

Look what they did to my boy

By crying with laughter - 10/08/2022 18:00

Today, and since yesterday, I've received numerous tearful, and sometimes angry, phone calls from my mom. The calls were not about her health issues, my kids, or even my dad losing his job. No, she was angry-crying about the FBI raid at Trump's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 196

Mythbusters

By Anonymous - 21/08/2022 12:00

Today, my wife asked me to come upstairs, all sexy like. I was sceptical, but I went upstairs after her. When I got there, she handed me a drill and told me to finally get on with building the flat pack dressing table. This is the reason I am sceptical. Romance is a lie kids, never get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 1 261

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to take some of the female mannequins and change the outfits. As I was changing them, I realized that this was the most action I've gotten in almost a year. Not only am I twenty-seven, but I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 324

You deserved it 3 703

Nerves

By ADH2000 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5 year-old for a few seconds. The guy who had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 031

You deserved it 47 532

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 20:01 - United States - Steele

Today, my "friends" who know very well that I am terrified of bees forced me to face my fears, despite my protesting. As my "friends" watched and laughed while I tried to keep calm, a wasp showed up and scared me half to death, thereby angering the other bees. My face looked like a giant raspberry after the fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 963

You deserved it 2 053

Body Positivity

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 04:03

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 865

You deserved it 230

By anon - 08/03/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a "talk." So now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 908

You deserved it 76 992

By Georgia - 13/05/2011 01:02

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 591

You deserved it 6 069

These boots were made for walking

By Triple F - 07/03/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 200

You deserved it 40 348

What a way to spend the day

By theark - 22/08/2022 10:00

Today, I was informed by my proctologist that my colonoscopy has been rescheduled for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 89

By Nico - 16/02/2013 01:37 - France - Asnières

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 231

You deserved it 3 202

By stupidprankster - 09/03/2012 10:10 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 519

You deserved it 7 497

Tripping

By Blank - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 975

You deserved it 4 246

Cheapskate suds

By itchyitch - 30/10/2019 14:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, it turns out the beautiful, "organic" artisanal soap my boyfriend gave me actually came from the 99 cents store. He just wrapped it in some cellophane and gave it to me. I’m currently itching to death from the godawful rash and hives it gave me. I may need to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 004

You deserved it 256

Spoiled the mood

By DFR - 09/06/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 944

You deserved it 23 856

By sillyfox4lyfe - 07/05/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 13 731

By Anonymous - 18/02/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 362

You deserved it 19 305

By liynda - 06/05/2011 01:49 - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 089

You deserved it 15 587

By camp - 03/03/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 150

You deserved it 27 637

Sex work is real work

By Anonymous - 01/09/2022 16:00

Today, my sister makes more money masturbating for anonymous perverts online than I do with an honest job, and she works less hours. She just bought a house for £160,000 without a mortgage; I rent a council house. She has a 20 Plate Land Rover; I have a Nissan micra FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 522

Smoking is so cool

By Burnt - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 905

You deserved it 61 570

Misbehaving

By anonymous - 05/02/2013 05:22 - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 3 235

Trust

By :// - 04/02/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for two months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 304

You deserved it 2 540

By Magnus_the_Red - 09/09/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to "ruin my innocence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 650

You deserved it 3 993

By beachbum - 27/02/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 464

You deserved it 54 185

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The Top

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 577

You deserved it 9 936

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 059

You deserved it 5 910

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 633

You deserved it 3 327

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 616

You deserved it 7 487

Today, I had to sit and listen in mortification as my mother tearfully told our therapist how much sleep she loses over my being morbidly obese. She doesn't seem to care that I'm body positive and happy with the way I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 1 116

Today, I brought a huge chocolate bar to work, left it in the break room, and came back to find it gone. Later, I saw a coworker with chocolate all over his face and fingers. I asked him if he took it, and he said, in almost offended tone, “What? No, that’s mine.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 352