Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk....

By Oops - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Intense

Keep your distance

By kitkat - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

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By me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By oopsididitagain - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 02:00

Notification sound

Today, I farted during a Zoom call in front of our client. I thought mic was muted. My Team Lead had lot of things to say to me. FML

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By fatty punani - 5/6/2020 08:00

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

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By Ishikur - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw two extremely hot girls. I walked into their aisle and they looked at me and smiled. I stopped and pretended to look at something so I could listen to what they were saying. They started laughing and walked away. It turned out I was reading a box of tampons. FML

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By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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By SariLone - India - Mumbai

Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML

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By RIP - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

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By burn - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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By kp - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

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By skidmark - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By KereKris

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

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By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

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By Feema - 9/1/2020 14:00 - United States

I am his girlfriend

Today, right after sex, my boyfriend told me that I was as good as a man, and all that I was missing was a strap-on penis. FML

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By English - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

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By bummed - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By turdburger - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By Cat lover

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

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By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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By kryan012 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By 420SUX - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

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By sleepless - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

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By Anonymous

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Decisions, decisions

Today my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen all summer, blew off our date to attend a local chili eating contest. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By what did I do? - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

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Top comments

By mattmsk005 | 8

#5997844 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:10

Whose the loser now.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5997845 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

Even if he was your uncle, why would you slap him and call him a loser...?

COMMENTS

By mattmsk005 | 8

#5997844 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:10

Whose the loser now.

cakefete2 | 30

#5997865 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:16

I hope OP is better at fighting than they are at thinking.

citygirl28 | 11

#5997874 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:22

Can't help myself, sorry... *Who's

CallMeWindSock | 24

#5997904 - Saturday 5 July 2014 0:04

I was hoping someone had corrected him.

Wyaru | 9

#5997915 - Saturday 5 July 2014 0:17

*Who's.

teotsi | 28

#5997928 - Saturday 5 July 2014 0:30

Too late #30.

JBChristian | 46

#5998043 - Saturday 5 July 2014 3:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

cakefete2 | 30

#5998059 - Saturday 5 July 2014 3:35

"Looser"? You need to tighten up your word choice.

1tsmenoah | 20

#5999109 - Sunday 6 July 2014 0:40

#1 haven't you heard of Mr. Horton and his commonly confused word song?

pooldude | 24

#5999548 - Sunday 6 July 2014 9:52

Whats more disturbing is that she greets her uncle by calling him a loser. Salutations have clearly gone downhill nowadays!

jake_braves | 25

#5999664 - Sunday 6 July 2014 16:25

64, it's a joke. I doubt he/she really thinks the uncle is a loser. Really? Don't be so critical.

TcheQ | 12

#6000359 - Monday 7 July 2014 5:03

Your education, apparently.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5997845 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

Even if he was your uncle, why would you slap him and call him a loser...?

meganlovestea | 15

#5997867 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:17

He probably did it jokingly

badluckalex | 23

#5997873 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:22

op still deserves it for making assumptions

pinkster2014 | 25

#5997883 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:27

It is possible for his uncle to be younger than him...

Sandman366 | 6

#5999114 - Sunday 6 July 2014 0:44

Losing pounds. Is the gym after all. ;P

By Aspen_Grace33 | 27

#5997846 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

And how did that work out for you?!

You should definitely double check to make sure you know the person before assaulting them!!

cakefete2 | 30

#5997861 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:14

OP tried to run, but sadly, was reminded how bad his cardio was.

By jklolz94 | 10

#5997847 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

that sucks :/

By moni103 | 15

#5997848 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

why dont people check who it is first to make sure its the right person?

By ScottVining | 21

#5997849 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:11

How to play that one off...

OysterPearls | 33

#5997893 - Friday 4 July 2014 23:52

Loser... of weight?

cailey1234567890 | 24

#5997908 - Saturday 5 July 2014 0:08

How about
"Oh shit, i thought you were my uncle.
Im sorry"

91hayek | 31

#5998090 - Saturday 5 July 2014 4:24

Maybe it's just me but after being slapped really hard, that apology would just make me angrier. Sounds flippant. If anything I'd slap him back and say "Did you think that was uncle'd for? I sure did."