Miscellaneous: Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus.... - FML

16/02/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 635

You deserved it 4 074

Broken heart

Still pining

Mystery message service

14/12/2009 01:27 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 39 515

16/02/2010 20:48 - United States

Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 626

You deserved it 6 010

20/06/2013 08:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 978

You deserved it 5 893

05/02/2013 19:35 - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I finished booking the non-refundable cruise for my wife and I to the Bahamas. I did this after confirming once again that my mother could take care of our son while we're away. An hour after I paid, she called back saying she mistook the dates and can't do it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 068

You deserved it 2 653

Bird song

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 396

03/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 951

You deserved it 89 221

11/04/2009 08:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 996

You deserved it 6 205

25/06/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 672

You deserved it 18 551

30/06/2014 01:25 - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 945

You deserved it 11 985

24/09/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 686

You deserved it 3 395

The sleepwalkers are at it again!

By sierra - 11/03/2021 02:02

Today, my mom told me she’d never forgive me for eating her birthday candy. I ate it in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 276

23/05/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 411

You deserved it 3 442

05/08/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 900

You deserved it 4 568

05/03/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 3 015

Not into it

By wtf Homer? - 21/04/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, my husband’s been dropping hints he wants to open our marriage. When I got home, a couple of his coworkers dropped by "for drinks". They tried to initiate group sex and figured I just needed to be talked into it. I was so mad, I couldn’t throw everyone out fast enough, including him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 531

You deserved it 124

Febreze time of the month

By Lunar-Spice - 24/07/2021 02:01 - United States - Midlothian

Today, like every month, I'm able to tell when my period is going to come, down to the exact day. It becomes increasingly smelly, even before I've started, to the point where everyone around me can barely stand it. I can't do anything to get rid of the stench before it's actually started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 93

26/11/2014 18:13 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 547

You deserved it 2 912

18/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 122

You deserved it 30 419

15/09/2010 15:53 - France

Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 096

You deserved it 29 703

Infectious laugh

By Anonymous - 23/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 382

21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 442

You deserved it 3 339

03/08/2010 12:11 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 033

You deserved it 4 708

15/03/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 666

You deserved it 20 052

15/08/2018 22:00

Spicy

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 193

You deserved it 239

25/07/2011 19:24 - Ireland

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 978

You deserved it 7 774

Boundaries, dude!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 06:01

Spicy

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 341

You deserved it 206

26/08/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 4 227

Beyond help

By Anonymous - 03/04/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 725

You deserved it 2 488

Fire!

By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 125

First impressions

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 07:51 - Australia

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied, "I'm Kate thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 531

You deserved it 5 410

13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 738

You deserved it 23 170

18/04/2012 08:48 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 229

You deserved it 4 582

13/07/2014 22:36 - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 473

You deserved it 4 952

15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 776

You deserved it 10 848

14/01/2010 08:46 - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 800

You deserved it 3 711

25/09/2012 02:28 - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 261

You deserved it 13 425

18/08/2016 23:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and heard the shower running. Would have been nice to know my father in law was here before I walked in naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 431

You deserved it 2 155

12/05/2016 03:13 - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 999

You deserved it 1 038

14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 223

You deserved it 7 057

30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 968

You deserved it 5 472

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 2:30

When my brother was born, my dad took away my college fund. said it would be put to better use on a boy

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 15:51

Wow, your parents are dicks.

Comments

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:43

Kick his ass and steal the Lexus!!!

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 4:40

ah dude that sucks. sorry, but just think of it this way if he ever crashes it hell be in deep shit.

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Monday 17 November 2014 14:35

Favouritism at its finest. I would be pissed too, OP.

slyvanilla_creme 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 5:47

yeah my younger sis has a bmw (used, nontheless, a bmw) and i have a toyota camry...it would suck more if i didn't have a car, but i'm 28...your only 18, just wait until the economy gets better and you'll be in luck.

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Monday 11 June 2012 6:45

I don't know why everyone thinks that a better economy equals "everything is better".

Ipeh 20

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Friday 11 March 2016 20:08

A used BMW costs less than a Camry, unless it's an ultra-expensive one.

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Tuesday 5 July 2016 21:31

That doesn't mean that much. You can pick up a used bmw with 200k+ on Craigslist for 2-3,000. Now if it's a new one, that's a different story.

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 9:23

It was just the keys, by the wording, which isn't nearly as horrible. Still pretty bogus to see obvious favoritism.

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 15:51

Wow, your parents are dicks.

Fmylifeeveryday 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 18:53

completely understand...im the youngest with a bitch of a stepmother and her bitchy daughter who's pushing 30...and she always get treated better than I do.

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:23

Life is a whore! I hear you!!! :-S

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 2:30

When my brother was born, my dad took away my college fund. said it would be put to better use on a boy

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Thursday 26 May 2011 4:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 9:31

no offense to your parents but I can't stand sexist people like that

Thegingerninja 5

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Saturday 15 December 2012 9:29

That is just horrible.

cadillacgal79 32

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Thursday 17 April 2014 23:07

Do your parents know we're not in the 1700's?

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Thursday 14 August 2014 1:47

Your parents and all those with similar beliefs are holding America back.

writerchic85 25

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Tuesday 7 April 2015 16:54

That is the shittiest thing I've ever heard of a parent doing

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Thursday 27 August 2015 22:35

I want to shove knives up their asses more than I've ever wanted to do anything before.

rebelwithmouseyhair 16

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Wednesday 11 September 2019 8:54

I never even got a "college fund", only my brother did. But they did put money aside to pay for me to have a "proper" wedding. Then in fact my brother never went to college and I never got married so they lived it up spending the money on holidays abroad.

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 7:25

#9 get a life please

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Thursday 19 February 2009 2:46

#31: seriously? thats so ridiculous. and i wonder if there is a reason they don't trust you with the car? if not, then this is completely insane.

Nearly

Today, I have to do a science presentation in approximately 10 minutes. I didn’t do the assignment or make a PowerPoint cause I stayed up all night trying to do my French homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 211

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 156