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By Chemist-why - 30/01/2015 15:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 603

You deserved it 8 905

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 449

You deserved it 5 842

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 30/07/2020 17:01

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 017

You deserved it 170

Clapped

By frennyy - 04/06/2024 10:00 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I gave him an STD I didn’t know I had. Before sleeping together, he asked me to get tested. Feeling lazy, I got some fake test results from Google Images. He called me a few weeks later, saying he has the clap. I told him he must've got it from someone else. He was a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 1 760

By Obi1Shinobi - 30/10/2012 14:27 - United States

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 4 668

By Anonymous - 31/01/2010 13:35 - Canada

Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn't. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, "I had fun last night, we should do it again". My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 408

You deserved it 2 733

By Soline - 08/12/2008 12:05 - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 262

You deserved it 9 060

By davifilo - 26/10/2012 09:40 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 040

You deserved it 2 633

Birthday blues

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 17:01

Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 293

Sherri Papini has a lot to answer for

By FtHisSHet - 27/01/2023 17:30

Today, my wife faked being kidnapped. She composed a ransom letter and made calls from her phone screaming for help frantically and hanging up. I got the cops involved. Turns out it was all a scam, because she “wanted to see what I’d do” because apparently she “hasn’t been feeling loved” lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 188

By leaftheerickson - 21/10/2012 10:31 - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 967

You deserved it 1 619

By Thorin - 25/01/2010 21:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 444

You deserved it 6 676

By Anonymous - 24/01/2010 08:55 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 221

You deserved it 7 468

Backseat drivers

By SadSister:( - 11/01/2015 00:15 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 003

You deserved it 3 062

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 909

You deserved it 3 495

PSA

By CallMeCherry - 26/08/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 146

By tazthespaz - 29/12/2016 03:18 - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were in the middle of having his wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 214

You deserved it 396

By Jex - 06/10/2012 10:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 923

You deserved it 4 303

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 135

You deserved it 4 862

By anon - 09/09/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 220

You deserved it 19 622

Trick question

By howprofessional - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 089

You deserved it 47 497

By anonymous - 30/09/2012 05:32 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got yelled at for providing horrible customer service, in a store I don't even work for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 670

You deserved it 2 018

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 20:09 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 342

You deserved it 8 057

The magic of love

By robot lady - 23/09/2020 23:01

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 13/01/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 253

You deserved it 2 715

By Anonymous - 03/07/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 611

You deserved it 4 679

Hands-on

By poolgirl789 - 03/09/2013 06:30 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 804

You deserved it 4 759

By Dave - 27/09/2012 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 341

You deserved it 2 309

Clean break

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 11:02

Today, I'd taken this girl I'd recently met through Facebook dating to my family cabin. Apparently, her hygiene wasn't that great, because she didn't shower all weekend. The entire 4-hour ride back to her house was miserable, as every time she opened up her legs it smelled like a dead rat. I'm still mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 346

50 shades of shit

By Anonymous - 13/03/2023 09:00

Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like roleplay in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 255

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The Top

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication, I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day two and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 543

You deserved it 204

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 455

Today, I woke myself up by pinching my nipple between my elbow and the bed. This isn’t the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 78

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 996

You deserved it 8 860

Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 106

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 954

You deserved it 6 644