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The joys of public transport

By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 947

You deserved it 154

By esoog - 19/05/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 538

You deserved it 48 436

This is America

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 236

Sensitive snowflake

By onepussytwopussy - 07/03/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 455

You deserved it 26 555

By W45T3D_Y0UTH - 15/03/2012 20:44 - Canada

Today, I had just finished up at work. I was standing on a street corner, waiting to cross to get to my car on the other side. I had three people pull up beside me and ask me how much I charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 783

You deserved it 10 111

W45T3D_Y0UTH tells us more.

W45T3D_Y0UTH 6

Friday 16 March 2012 1:35

Nothing that makes me look like a prostitute. Makes one wonder how one could get mistaken for one at noon. In front of a cop car, no less.

**** McGee

By titillating - 12/03/2012 04:28 - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush, the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 965

You deserved it 4 555

Caturday surprise !

By baxeh - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 103

You deserved it 5 076

By Cheyennereed - 17/02/2013 15:50 - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 727

You deserved it 9 077

By turnoff - 17/09/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 403

You deserved it 15 187

By Anonymous - 14/02/2013 21:50 - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 738

You deserved it 2 519

Liquid fun

By Cat - 13/06/2010 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my Nana's birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She's so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog's mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 191

You deserved it 4 219

Nuclear family

By Mudturtle - 19/12/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I got a fantastic job offer at a nuclear power plant. My girlfriend seemed really shocked and upset when I told her. Apparently, working there will make me radioactive, and our children will be mutants. I don't know where to begin with this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 142

Spy vs. Spy

By bumblebee - 14/09/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 149

You deserved it 3 739

By Anonymous - 14/09/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 594

You deserved it 6 004

Smart guy

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 00:01

Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 311

Weird family time

By Anonymous - 12/02/2014 17:26 - United States - Louisville

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like, "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 279

You deserved it 4 429

By Eric - 27/02/2012 21:58 - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 328

You deserved it 24 638

Foot-in-mouth syndrome

By Anonymous - 26/05/2010 12:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 265

You deserved it 5 652

Never mess with CPS

By how is that funny - 10/09/2022 06:30

Today, my idiot husband put a can of cat food in our daughter's lunchbox as a "joke". The school called CPS. Now we have to go to a hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 281

By Evolution mama - 05/02/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 214

You deserved it 24 290

By Goodie - 09/09/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 800

You deserved it 7 792

By fatpooch - 13/05/2010 06:01 - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 745

You deserved it 4 835

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 296

You deserved it 19 027

By BOOP - 17/02/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I took my grandmother for a spin in my new car. Apparently, she had no idea that seat-warmers exist and that hers was turned on, because fifteen minutes into the ride she started shouting, "My ass is on fire!" causing me to swerve into a pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 596

You deserved it 7 732

Overthinking it

By kmang33 - 02/04/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 120

You deserved it 7 078

Good morning to you too

By sllaggy - 18/04/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 600

You deserved it 22 122

Higher education

By anonymous - 11/03/2020 06:00 - Canada

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 391

The war on drugs

By Anonymous - 29/09/2022 12:30

Today, my dad caught me vaping. From the volume of his yelling, you’d think he caught me sniffing cocaine out of a prostitute's ass crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 1 246

Mr Commitment

By StillTooYoung - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband about how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?" He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 052

You deserved it 5 305

Stoner

By Alyssa - 13/02/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 852

You deserved it 83 270

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The Top

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 255

You deserved it 6 978

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 675

You deserved it 3 588

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 730

You deserved it 5 231

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 361

You deserved it 19 710

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 433

You deserved it 81 656

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 694

You deserved it 229