By InPain

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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Triage

Mind control

Seize the means of production

By ddriver100

Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

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By seadrick - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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By deservedly - Canada - Calgary

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By ruserious - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

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By El Jeffe - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 02:02 - United States

Seize the means of production

Today, my boss told me that he is really getting scared of Covid-19. He's too cheap for tests. His solution? He'll work from home for 2 weeks while I meet with all employees 1-1. If I don’t get sick, he'll feel OK coming back. FML

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By Big Mouth

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

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By ditched - United States - Ashland

Today, I found out my co-workers don't actually like me when they changed the hangout spot after accidentally inviting me. FML

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By StratMan - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

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By angryinlaws - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

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By akosirm - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By Flighted - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By Yudith

Potholes

Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

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By oops - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my unemployed boyfriend and I went to the casino. I gave him twenty dollars to play on. He won $1000 on a dollar machine then jackpotted the ten dollar machine for $20,000. When we got home he broke up with me. I have been working two jobs to get our own place. Move in Date?? 2 weeks. FML

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By thestudent - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML

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By sadex

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

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By Morgannaken - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

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By

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

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By Bitch

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By dlova - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spontaneously poured my heart out for my boyfriend, telling him how much I love and adore him. He answered by leaning in close, saying "Jolly good" in an affected accent, and burping loud and clear in my ear. FML

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By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Pewaukee

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

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By toothbreaker

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By whoops - 3/10/2020 05:06

Trans women are women

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

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By angela

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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Top comments

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7851907 - Thursday 17 October 2019 16:15

those obviously weren't real bikers then

By icalledhisname | 11

#7852043 - Friday 18 October 2019 2:27

I don’t even know you and I feel angry for you. I’m sorry you went through that, OP.

COMMENTS

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7851907 - Thursday 17 October 2019 16:15

those obviously weren't real bikers then

Reply

stormy0307 | 16

#7852424 - Saturday 19 October 2019 15:42

Maybe they were cyclists and not the rough motorcycle riders that most people mean when they say bikers.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7852018 - Thursday 17 October 2019 23:49

Defend yourself!

By icalledhisname | 11

#7852043 - Friday 18 October 2019 2:27

I don’t even know you and I feel angry for you. I’m sorry you went through that, OP.