By Anonymous

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

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Family values

Bit on the side

Spy vs. Spy

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By Benji - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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By Diana

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

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By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

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By Blindsided

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

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By Lizz - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

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By blue15564 - United States - Davenport

Today, my dad grounded me for not having any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

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By tyler - United States

Today, I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. I'd asked this girl I'm interested in to come with me, and she insisted that she had to bring her two year old son with us. I'd told her it was no problem. Ten minutes into it, she said we needed to leave because it was too loud for him. FML

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By Uproar - Iceland

Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By Graham Watson

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally got my forklift license after training for a week. Almost eight hours later, I lost my license by not lowering my forks, crashing into and destroying four overhead light fixtures which cost more than $500 in damage. FML

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By ticketed

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By Ohnowhy

Awkward...

Today, I moved in with my friend and her husband so we can be roommates during school. Today is also the day they decided to get a divorce. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Get out

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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By 97 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

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By thanksfamily - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

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By yee-whore - United States - Waterbury

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

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By Ab - United States

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

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By Walker Alldredge - 15/9/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Out of it

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

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By mandygeegoesnom - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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By gabe8 - Mexico

Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By sherryberry2013 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

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Top comments

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7845678 - Monday 23 September 2019 2:10

If that's how you think of the person you "love" and married, then he should leave you. He deserves better than you!

By Hempseed | 23

#7845687 - Monday 23 September 2019 2:58

You clearly don't love him.
So why the fuck are you wasting both your time?

If you're unhappy, get a divorce.
Or be an adult and work through your bullshit.

COMMENTS

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7845678 - Monday 23 September 2019 2:10

If that's how you think of the person you "love" and married, then he should leave you. He deserves better than you!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845681 - Monday 23 September 2019 2:25

I hope you played that Bruce Springsteen song on endless loop and sang along with "leaves you with nothing, mister, but boring stories of..."

By Hempseed | 23

#7845687 - Monday 23 September 2019 2:58

You clearly don't love him.
So why the fuck are you wasting both your time?

If you're unhappy, get a divorce.
Or be an adult and work through your bullshit.

By JillianJuneBug | 39

#7845700 - Monday 23 September 2019 5:16

Wow this is the pettiest thing I’ve ever heard somebody complain about

By sisoladra | 20

#7845704 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:01

Wow.....harsh.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7845708 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:42

And you didn't know this about your husband before you got married because...???

By Hangryko | 17

#7845730 - Monday 23 September 2019 8:05

He sure did peak at 17. He later married you.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7845734 - Monday 23 September 2019 9:08

I am guessing he was a jock at school...that said it does not mean he peaked just that he lived a different life then ands nostalgia is not a bad thing.

By Sinshine | 27

#7845738 - Monday 23 September 2019 9:51

It sounds like you peaked at birth.

By sarkycow | 25

#7845739 - Monday 23 September 2019 10:00

Fuck me. Hopefully he didn't know you in HS because that will mean he gets to reminisce about a HAPPY time in his life. Usually I wouldn't go the "get a fucking divorce" route but it seems that anything he could\would do, for you and your marriage, still wouldn't be good enough for you.

Anyway, what's so wonderful about you?

FUCK YOUR HUSBAND'S LIFE, not yours.