Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML
Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML
Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML
Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML
Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML
Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML
Today, I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about having a long-term illness requiring multiple trips to the doctor's. She isn't ill, she was cheating on me with the local GP. So I’ve literally driven her to the clinic and then sat in the waiting room while she screwed the doctor. FML
Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML
Today, being a broke college student struggling to make ends meet, I decided to sign up for a sugar daddy website. The first person to message me was my high school history teacher. FML
Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML
Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML
Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML
Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML
Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML
Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML
Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML
Today, and ever since the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office, and now that he's become buddy-buddy with management, they believe him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML
Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML
Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML
Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML
Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML
Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML
Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML
Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML
Today, I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 minutes in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to our date, he got invited to a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML
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