Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out... - FML

By oopsie - 1/5/2019 20:00

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

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Out of it

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

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By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By torturedears - 5/4/2013 04:20 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I went to work at a hotel. One of the guests decided to play the piano in the lobby. He's deaf. Unfortunately, I'm not. FML

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By pasquale - 20/9/2014 06:54 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML

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By gerbilmaster - 9/7/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:07 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

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By Aerostar - 16/6/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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By oops - 14/8/2014 21:54 - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

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By Saraitkddh - 6/10/2018 05:00

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

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By Michaelichael - 28/3/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - 4/5/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

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By JoLaFritte - 7/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 21:23 - United States - Burlington

Today, during a date, I discovered that if I cough with my mouth closed, snot will spray from my nose all over the place like some kind of mucus cannon. FML

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By cantfallbackasleep - 22/10/2015 14:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By keeperstride - 3/9/2009 19:55 - United States

Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen nuts, and an hole in my butt where I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML

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By chumleevil - 8/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By Glassless - 26/5/2017 20:00

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

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By Andiii - 26/7/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I got a surprise call from LA Fitness saying I've been signed up for a two week pass. It's from my boyfriend. Didn't see this one coming. FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - 13/6/2014 21:07 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By kaycie_lynn - 19/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

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By UFVKNP - 10/3/2017 16:00

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Virginiedetibo - 22/10/2011 02:09 - France

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

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By ppema - 31/7/2015 18:28 - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By Noname - 31/12/2009 18:03 - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By JCruz411 - 21/1/2010 13:10 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - 16/2/2016 01:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

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By anon - 31/3/2016 01:09 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By Gee - 16/6/2017 02:00

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By Seriously? - 9/3/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

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By Forgotten Birthday Girl - 11/7/2018 20:30

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

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By ugh - 19/1/2011 19:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By ohgodwhy - 20/4/2012 20:24 - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

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By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

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Top comments

By davidfong | 14

#7799087 - Thursday 2 May 2019 0:44

Well this brings a new meaning to getting the shit fucked out of you.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7799032 - Wednesday 1 May 2019 21:17

I’m not sure which would be worse: the person you were having sex with leaving forever immediately, or you having someone who can tolerate being shat upon.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7799032 - Wednesday 1 May 2019 21:17

I’m not sure which would be worse: the person you were having sex with leaving forever immediately, or you having someone who can tolerate being shat upon.

Reply

BEEEEES | 15

#7799446 - Thursday 2 May 2019 22:39

Having someone who can tolerate that is called true love. Accidents happen, we don't know if they were sick or something, shit happens.

By Charlie Given | 22

#7799033 - Wednesday 1 May 2019 21:26

Now thats a shitty situation 🤣🤣

Reply

diana | 6

#7799503 - Friday 3 May 2019 3:35

ba dam tss 😃

By aangel94 | 9

#7799034 - Wednesday 1 May 2019 21:30

I pray every single day this never ever happens to me

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7799086 - Thursday 2 May 2019 0:44

You win for the month of May which is now 2019.

By davidfong | 14

#7799087 - Thursday 2 May 2019 0:44

Well this brings a new meaning to getting the shit fucked out of you.

Reply

Nic1330 | 4

#7799756 - Saturday 4 May 2019 1:14

🤣🤣🤣

By TCRII | 27

#7799094 - Thursday 2 May 2019 1:05

My core philosophy is “Better you than me”.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7799118 - Thursday 2 May 2019 2:47

Protip: This is what butt plugs are actually for.

Reply

BEEEEES | 15

#7799448 - Thursday 2 May 2019 22:40

Wait for real?

Reply

BEEEEES | 15

#7799450 - Thursday 2 May 2019 22:43

Wait for real?

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7799125 - Thursday 2 May 2019 3:20

Your name isn't Willam Shatner is it?

By revidffum69 | 22

#7799777 - Saturday 4 May 2019 4:46

Was it anal?

By nononsensechick | 12

#7799900 - Saturday 4 May 2019 15:44

Doesn’t matter, had sex