Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the...

By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 02:07 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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Miscellaneous

All in the family

No one likes a smart-ass

Vultures

By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By manicmandy - 1/8/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By ElectroSpecter - 23/2/2019 14:00

Today, I went to get a haircut. I have a pretty bad case of dandruff, so whenever I get one, a lot of it shows. My hairstylist called to her nearby friend twice, then looked at my hair and said, "Blech" under her breath. I got glares when I walked out. FML

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1985

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By Spinster - 30/9/2015 05:26 - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

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By failure461 - 13/6/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By Crystal - 8/3/2010 21:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

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By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By Liz - 9/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By Myorafield - 26/10/2016 06:42 - Australia - Glenwood

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

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By Igor - 19/12/2012 05:16 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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By GK - 8/5/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2011 00:04 - Reserved

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it suddenly stopped. Thinking of being spontaneous like in all the movies, I propped her up on the railings and started getting passionate. That's when the emergency phone rang. And I discovered there was a security camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 07:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

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By please_no - 16/3/2010 14:40 - United States

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2018 17:30

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

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2736

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By sofked - 9/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By .... - 24/12/2013 02:48 - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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By Depressed - 17/5/2016 23:16 - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By Matthew - 16/6/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

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By mrtoolate - 19/6/2016 08:58 - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 09:29 - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By Tori - 5/2/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

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By markzar - 5/5/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - 8/2/2015 08:35 - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By no I've never asked for anal - 20/9/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I wanted to talk about marriage and our future with my boyfriend of over 10 years. My 30-year-old boyfriend responded by hiding under a blanket and pretending he couldn't hear me. FML

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By BARF - 27/4/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

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By joeshmoe - 5/9/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 03:26 - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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By unloved - 17/4/2012 14:54 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

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By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By oGxFoopFoop - 28/5/2020 20:00

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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By Honestly - 9/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

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Top comments

By WittyMoron | 22

#6494954 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:56

Bitch.

By ko051598 | 20

#6494977 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:04

That's a fucked up thing to say, she doesn't seem like a very good friend.

Comments

By mattzawesome | 28

#6494944 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:53

Ex-friend I would assume.

MagnusDeus | 23

#6495567 - Monday 28 December 2016 16:45

Man, first comment out of the gate

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6494945 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:53

Are you sure she's your friend?

By doumtabarnack | 12

#6494946 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:53

What an ass. You should smear it with shit.

I_own_a_dog | 11

#6494999 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:26

I don't know why this is down voted!?!

Mathalamus | 24

#6495013 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:36

Because it's utterly disgusting...

False_Stupidity | 41

#6495062 - Monday 28 December 2016 2:42

Disgusting? Yes.
Called for? Absofuckinglutely.

Edumcg | 24

#6495127 - Monday 28 December 2016 4:24

That escalated way too quickly.

crackajak | 15

#6495170 - Monday 28 December 2016 5:36

Who shit on the coats?!

crackajak | 15

#6495273 - Monday 28 December 2016 9:07

Thanks for the down votes,
It's a Dane cook reference, you petty imbeciles.

kbecks87 | 16

#6495433 - Monday 28 December 2016 13:27

Dane Cook sucks, your welcome.

By WittyMoron | 22

#6494954 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:56

Bitch.

Eyeslick | 33

#6495264 - Monday 28 December 2016 8:44

Short, sweet, and to the point....I like it.

By cwade71 | 17

#6494959 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:57

Look on the bright side... you don't need to spend a good 30-80 bucks to get a good hoodie when you have body heat!

By nickie_94 | 18

#6494963 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:58

Wow. Fat shaming at it's finest

may14th | 26

#6495027 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:55

As a fat person I will tell you that is NOT fat shaming.

kbecks87 | 16

#6495434 - Monday 28 December 2016 13:28

23, being fat doesn't mean you get to decide what is or isn't shaming for an entire community.

kirasant | 19

#6495591 - Monday 28 December 2016 17:37

Not sure if I'd classify it as fat-shaming (fat-using?), but it is a shitty thing to do. OP needs a new friend.

By janfleury | 19

#6494970 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:01

With friends like that......

MzZombicidal | 36

#6496036 - Tuesday 29 December 2016 5:54

who needs anemones!

By evank98 | 10

#6494972 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:02

Just hope it didn't work...

By Robert3Lee | 13

#6494973 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:02

That's really harsh! I'm so sorry OP

By ko051598 | 20

#6494977 - Monday 28 December 2016 1:04

That's a fucked up thing to say, she doesn't seem like a very good friend.

ali282h | 15

#6495153 - Monday 28 December 2016 5:02

Or even a good human being..