Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

by pimpslaprequired / 08/03/2012 at 9:52pm / United States / Kids

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2012 at 4:21am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2012 at 10:12am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

by 1D-107 / 07/31/2012 at 1:43pm / United States (Utah) / Kids

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

by mcase / 07/31/2012 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

by oink oink fuck off / 07/29/2012 at 2:49pm / United Kingdom (Doncaster) / Kids

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

by fml / 07/29/2012 at 8:20am / Japan (Saitama) / Kids

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

by ellieowenie / 07/29/2012 at 4:11am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

by Anonymous / 07/28/2012 at 2:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

by love_to_live / 07/28/2012 at 12:17am / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 3:04pm / Norway (Ostfold) / Kids

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

by madmomma / 07/25/2012 at 3:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2012 at 6:54am / United States (California) / Kids