Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because... - FML

By SuperJesus - 1/2/2009 10:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

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Keep the peace

Boozehound alert

The end of the road

By Clumsyblonde22 - 4/6/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 21:07 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

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By AllergyRidden - 24/12/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2017 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

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By akimbojuju - 22/6/2015 15:12 - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 14:55 - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By screwedfortheweek - 28/1/2016 23:39 - United States

Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML

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By davka - 18/4/2011 15:09

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

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By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 02:28 - United States - Mclean

Today, a girl I follow on Twitter tweeted, "Why can't I have a cute math tutor?" I'm her math tutor. FML

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By Cammi0 - 2/6/2015 17:58 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 21:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

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By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By bob - 17/12/2012 18:16 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

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By isabellam0426 - 2/11/2016 02:55

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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By spark - 27/8/2014 17:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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By Peter Steele love - 18/10/2015 00:49 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

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By Shortround - 30/9/2012 12:56 - United States - Wheaton

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

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By lonely otaku - 25/12/2013 07:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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By MrDanito - 28/4/2016 06:21 - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 15:32 - Canada

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone but me. Then, one of them said: "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

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By ouch - 20/2/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

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By Likian5 - 5/12/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 21:40 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

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By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By alephnull - 2/2/2011 21:07 - Canada

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

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By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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By Stella - 20/12/2009 03:30 - Canada

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

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By mdg - 4/12/2012 17:16 - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By rc2981 - 13/6/2014 10:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML

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By shaverguy - 15/6/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By foshizzle - 25/4/2012 06:46 - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

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By mydadforgetsme - 4/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By jordyn173 - 8/4/2012 03:19 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

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By gothicvamp93 - 4/1/2015 06:46 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

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Top comments

By Imdead | 0

#155 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:03

You need to look into whether or not she might be cheating on you.

By Rats_fml | 0

#17380 - Friday 6 March 2009 3:01

That was the saddest story ever. I know what you mean, had a period where my gf and i were the same. It was the most depressing thing ever, especially when the only one you want is her and have no inclination to cheat.

COMMENTS

By Imdead | 0

#155 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:03

You need to look into whether or not she might be cheating on you.

Reply

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#5655787 - Tuesday 3 September 2013 0:21

I agree with #4. Even if she isn't cheating, you guys should have a talk and try to spice it up in the bedroom a bit.

By GladstoneK | 0

#1356 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 19:37

You shouldn't have married her then should you? School boy error.

Reply

siddyslackah | 0

#1990094 - Thursday 20 January 2011 22:49

dont marry someone cus they wont have sex? your a retard and a perv

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#2800508 - Friday 1 July 2011 21:36

^I would say it's perfectly reasonable and normal to not want to marry someone who doesn't want sex. Male or female.

Reply

radiocaf | 29

#6310260 - Thursday 4 June 2015 10:52

I'm guessing she is one of those stereotypes, #9. The ones where she puts out up till marriage or just after and then realises she doesn't need to do that anymore and the sex just stops.

By beanie_girl | 0

#1819 - Friday 13 February 2009 8:19

You need a girlfriend, and yes, I'm offering. ;)

Reply

Jpusateri | 0

#4683794 - Saturday 14 July 2012 0:23

r u hot

Reply

sherry_berryxoxo | 17

#6218601 - Monday 2 March 2015 4:29

Damnnnn... The thirst is real.

By ak73191 | 0

#2756 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:14

awww thst sweet in a creepy way...

By silentfirefly | 0

#10704 - Monday 2 March 2009 6:56

I agree with everyone who said this was a really depressing one. I hope things turn out okay for your marriage.

By CRUX_fml | 0

#10705 - Monday 2 March 2009 6:57

Aww, I'm sorry. :(

By Spreed | 0

#11649 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:43

This makes me sad. Life without sex isn't a life worth living!

By Rats_fml | 0

#17380 - Friday 6 March 2009 3:01

That was the saddest story ever. I know what you mean, had a period where my gf and i were the same. It was the most depressing thing ever, especially when the only one you want is her and have no inclination to cheat.

By love4animals | 0

#31099 - Saturday 14 March 2009 9:33

i feel so sad for you.

By superzombie | 0

#36921 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:40

sucks to be you