Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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Work name

The opposite of a good idea

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 19:02 - Germany

Today, I was at the McDonalds drive-thru getting my morning coffee, when some guy slammed into the back of my car. I'm so happy I was holding the cup between my legs at that very moment, because now I have 2nd degree burns on my lady parts. FML

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By virgo - 30/1/2010 06:50 - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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By dannytriplet - 11/4/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By damn - 9/4/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Cassie - 21/5/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

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By cjw - 6/3/2013 00:07 - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

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By smallfrie32 - 23/11/2010 05:22

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

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By mel - 18/1/2011 07:05 - United States

Today, I had to blow my nose. Trying to be a considerate roommate, I tiptoed over to the bathroom in the dark, which would have been fine, if I hadn't tripped over a chair and crushed the art project that she's been working on for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

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By Brenden - 14/5/2013 23:52 - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. FML

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By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 5/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

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By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - 26/6/2014 11:35 - Australia - Belconnen

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 10:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By still together - 28/8/2013 17:47 - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 03:17 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 10:23 - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

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By whatismydadthinking - 6/8/2009 08:45 - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

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By BigHelp - 8/7/2015 00:52 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

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By mike oxsmall - 16/6/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - 24/4/2013 02:01 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - 25/3/2013 13:13 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By Confused - 13/5/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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By Anon - 13/8/2009 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By Nick - 3/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

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By Jman212 - 9/10/2017 13:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 04:19 - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By KTK - 18/2/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By sasquatch21 - 21/2/2010 13:36 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

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By Sheila - 26/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

The Voice (of the future)

Today, my husband was singing while doing the housework. I told him to sign up for The Voice. He took me seriously, and did. Too bad for him, because he sounds like a cat dying in a ditch. FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By Twysted91 - 28/12/2015 03:50 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

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By anon - 27/4/2016 00:11 - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By red button - 11/2/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

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By Jake - 7/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

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Top comments

By sleepindevil | 15

#3503345 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:14

At least she won't be able to turn around and say that she has other plans on the day?

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3503395 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:24

"Hmm, Christmas I'll be in Mexico. Hmm when's your birthday again? I'll be busy then too. The only time I can pencil you in would be April fools day. Would that work?"

Comments

By sleepindevil | 15

#3503345 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:14

At least she won't be able to turn around and say that she has other plans on the day?

Reply

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3503375 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

Is your mom Kris Jenner?

Reply

deadmeow5 | 0

#3503388 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:23

hold on lemme tweet this ..

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3503681 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:08

You gotta hang out with your mom more often.

Reply

kaykay20 | 0

#3504422 - Friday 28 October 2011 18:16

Actually one her plans could change anytime seeing as she most likely has a time consuming job that may call her to work whenever necessary. Quite unfortunate but at least she's trying to make time.

By blueberry_211 | 0

#3503349 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:15

That's embarrassing ...

Reply

duckie227 | 22

#3503769 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:49

Not really. My mom and I are so busy with 2 jobs each we have to schedule one night a month to hang out. That's not embarrassing at all

Reply

MrKlutch | 1

#3512335 - Sunday 30 October 2011 8:59

Maybe you and your mother should have finished high school

By HerpYourDerp | 7

#3503354 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:16

Ahh, motherly love.

By Evan___B | 4

#3503361 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:17

She must be organized :)

Reply

ellybelly_502 | 4

#3506708 - Saturday 29 October 2011 3:08

#61 I love my Siri :) I'd do it too lol

By pitchblease | 2

#3503363 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:18

You poor thing...
Funny story, this is how I got rejected from a girl once. Pulled out her iPhone and "went through her busy schedule". Nothing was written...

Reply

pitchblease | 2

#3503401 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:25

Not funny as in haha, funny as in weird. Considering her story reminds me of an old one of mine.

Reply

Em_I_Am | 5

#3503493 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:48

That doesn't mean anything. I have a very busy schedule but have nothing written in my calendar on my phone. I write everything in a planner.

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3503570 - Friday 28 October 2011 13:34

awe :( but I have one question..how were you able to figure out she had nothing written for plans or anything on her iPhone? unless you were looking over her shoulder, but, uh..lol.

Reply

Savra_fml | 17

#3503772 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:49

# 5, post an FML about it

Reply

sectorleader | 2

#3504326 - Friday 28 October 2011 17:36

Hey hey hey, this ain't your FML now gtfo

By you_and_me_fml | 8

#3503364 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:18

My dad does that all the time.. Parental love at its finest

By whited666 | 0

#3503368 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:19

I think ghats a "yes" at lest'

Reply

Em_I_Am | 5

#3503499 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:50

What is that, Shakespeare?

By youtubetre_fml | 14

#3503373 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

She takes care of you ... :)

By wishfulmidget | 0

#3503377 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

yeah my dad does that too lolz

By leadman1989 | 15

#3503378 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

Wait till you see the bill!

You- >:0