Miscellaneous: Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

There's no helping some people

Eat the rich

By facepalm

Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By PartTimePrincess - United States

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 12:30

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

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By Thesuz - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By valene5687 - United States - Gretna

Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By fishwizard

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I found my mom throwing my very expensive and important medication down the toilet. She thought I was doing drugs. FML

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By DrewK - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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By Rabite - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By Nojob - United States - Bronx

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By frogface_fml - 20/5/2020 05:00

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

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By Awesome. - United States

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By raerae - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

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By ktin - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

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By Applelover012 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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By Pokecousin

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

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By sam - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

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By idrathernotgiveoutmyname - Canada

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

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By deadfish - United States

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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By duckyou

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By almostkilledmyself - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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Top comments

By sleepindevil | 15

#3503345 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:14

At least she won't be able to turn around and say that she has other plans on the day?

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3503395 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:24

"Hmm, Christmas I'll be in Mexico. Hmm when's your birthday again? I'll be busy then too. The only time I can pencil you in would be April fools day. Would that work?"

COMMENTS

By sleepindevil | 15

#3503345 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:14

At least she won't be able to turn around and say that she has other plans on the day?

Reply

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3503375 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

Is your mom Kris Jenner?

Reply

deadmeow5 | 0

#3503388 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:23

hold on lemme tweet this ..

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3503681 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:08

You gotta hang out with your mom more often.

Reply

kaykay20 | 0

#3504422 - Friday 28 October 2011 18:16

Actually one her plans could change anytime seeing as she most likely has a time consuming job that may call her to work whenever necessary. Quite unfortunate but at least she's trying to make time.

By blueberry_211 | 0

#3503349 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:15

That's embarrassing ...

Reply

duckie227 | 22

#3503769 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:49

Not really. My mom and I are so busy with 2 jobs each we have to schedule one night a month to hang out. That's not embarrassing at all

Reply

MrKlutch | 1

#3512335 - Sunday 30 October 2011 8:59

Maybe you and your mother should have finished high school

By HerpYourDerp | 7

#3503354 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:16

Ahh, motherly love.

By Evan___B | 4

#3503361 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:17

She must be organized :)

Reply

ellybelly_502 | 4

#3506708 - Saturday 29 October 2011 3:08

#61 I love my Siri :) I'd do it too lol

By pitchblease | 2

#3503363 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:18

You poor thing...
Funny story, this is how I got rejected from a girl once. Pulled out her iPhone and "went through her busy schedule". Nothing was written...

Reply

pitchblease | 2

#3503401 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:25

Not funny as in haha, funny as in weird. Considering her story reminds me of an old one of mine.

Reply

Em_I_Am | 5

#3503493 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:48

That doesn't mean anything. I have a very busy schedule but have nothing written in my calendar on my phone. I write everything in a planner.

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3503570 - Friday 28 October 2011 13:34

awe :( but I have one question..how were you able to figure out she had nothing written for plans or anything on her iPhone? unless you were looking over her shoulder, but, uh..lol.

Reply

Savra_fml | 17

#3503772 - Friday 28 October 2011 14:49

# 5, post an FML about it

Reply

sectorleader | 2

#3504326 - Friday 28 October 2011 17:36

Hey hey hey, this ain't your FML now gtfo

By you_and_me_fml | 8

#3503364 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:18

My dad does that all the time.. Parental love at its finest

By whited666 | 0

#3503368 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:19

I think ghats a "yes" at lest'

Reply

Em_I_Am | 5

#3503499 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:50

What is that, Shakespeare?

By youtubetre_fml | 14

#3503373 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

She takes care of you ... :)

By wishfulmidget | 0

#3503377 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

yeah my dad does that too lolz

By leadman1989 | 15

#3503378 - Friday 28 October 2011 12:20

Wait till you see the bill!

You- >:0