By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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Animals

Bad news

Workaholic

Mr Sensitivity

By Kathryn - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By mdp624 - United States - Brookhaven

Today, I was T-boned while going through an intersection. The guy who hit me accused me of not using my turn signal. I was going straight. FML

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By H1dd3n - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

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By madd_dizzle - United States

Today, my crush finally let me drive his truck for the first time in a empty parking lot, after he told me he liked me. It was so dark that I ended up driving into and pole and totaled his car. Now he hates me. FML

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By Anonymous

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By kiken.bara - United States

Today, I found out that I was pregnant and sent a picture of the positive test to my boyfriend. Before I got a text back from him, I got his newly updated Facebook status that read "This has got to be the most depressing day of my life." FML

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By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

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By BabyButt - United States - Honolulu

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML

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By whoops - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

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By Foreveralone

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By rplovez - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By Emoney1 - Canada

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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By Justus Buhler

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

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By LA - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By Kiki - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By Limalia - Switzerland

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 13:59

Nice try

Today, after spending days writing up an offer for a condo so my boyfriend and I could move in together with our 9-month-old, we found out they accepted a different offer. FML

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By sweet pea - Canada - Red Lake

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

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By HardTimes

Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By devinbyrne - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By xtilltheendx - 5/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Thin walls

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

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By notsomuchinlove - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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By BrutallyBlonde - United States

Today, I went to egg my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding out he cheated on me. I covered his house and car with eggs, toilet paper, and silly string. When I went to get back in my car, my keys were locked inside, the alarm went off, and my ex walked outside, with his new girlfriend. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By macaroni17 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

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By Terry

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge she ruined the ending of assassins creed which she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By blahblah - United States

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7500293 - Thursday 20 July 2017 13:32

Snake - Today, I was chilling by the pool and all of a sudden, some perverted human being grabbed my ass. FML

By egnur_mas | 19

#7500296 - Thursday 20 July 2017 13:34

Rookie error, don't grab anything from the toilet in a dark room!

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7500293 - Thursday 20 July 2017 13:32

Snake - Today, I was chilling by the pool and all of a sudden, some perverted human being grabbed my ass. FML

By egnur_mas | 19

#7500296 - Thursday 20 July 2017 13:34

Rookie error, don't grab anything from the toilet in a dark room!

By ariege09 | 1

#7500403 - Thursday 20 July 2017 14:44

Your own glasses must be missing too!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7500513 - Thursday 20 July 2017 16:14

You have a literal plumber's snake.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7500524 - Thursday 20 July 2017 16:26

Train the snake to hold two lenses while wrapped around your son’s head. He’ll have the coolest glasses in school!

Make sure the snake isn’t a constrictor.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7500549 - Thursday 20 July 2017 16:42

If the snake is a constrictor, it will keep your son's glasses on nice and tight and he won't lose them!

RichardPencil | 29

#7500673 - Thursday 20 July 2017 18:21

That’ll work until it doesn’t.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7500772 - Thursday 20 July 2017 19:42

First you must ask yourself: where did this snake come from?

Savannah Nicole Lee | 4

#7503881 - Sunday 23 July 2017 7:04

It's Florida, it probably pays rent there.

Surewhatever | 35

#7506204 - Tuesday 25 July 2017 4:55

Yes, yes. That is the scariest part of this FML.

By Talented73 | 54

#7500856 - Thursday 20 July 2017 20:40

I have a snake.... in my pants.... huh-huh.... huh-huh-huh....

By Spencer William Ferguson | 4

#7500933 - Thursday 20 July 2017 21:34

full of shit xD

By corky1992 | 33

#7500942 - Thursday 20 July 2017 21:41

why would you think something under the toilet seat was your glasses? you said the room wasnt well lit, but of ALL places you thought your glasses were there? lol. yikes about the snake.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7500978 - Thursday 20 July 2017 22:15

It was her son's glasses that were missing. Kids do lose things in the darnedest places.

By olga_crvjl | 19

#7501621 - Friday 21 July 2017 8:56

Omg nooooooo eww I hate snakes ?

smc3106 | 25

#7654998 - Friday 29 June 2018 17:34

Why are you asking us if you hate snakes?