Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using...

By poop towel - 15/9/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Caught red-handed

Whatthefuckaburger

By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Darwin_Award_Winner - 7/6/2012 12:10 - United States - Beaumont

Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML

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By lola1313 - 18/9/2013 02:17 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 20:47 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

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By anonynomi - 19/11/2015 17:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By aviators - 7/4/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By PissyPants - 20/6/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By broke - 16/11/2016 03:08 - United States - Orlando

Today, I paid $125 to get my car back after it was towed. Yesterday, I bought the car. When I got it to my apartment, the office wasn't open, so I couldn't get a parking decal. The same office that towed my car while they were still closed. FML

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By FLIPmcCOOL - 15/5/2014 22:57 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

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By brokeandalone - 30/7/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face than tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

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By MakeItMaaco - 11/7/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

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By vivelawank - 10/5/2014 20:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

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By blinded - 5/7/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

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By Bashit - 1/4/2012 01:00 - United States - Bullard

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 19:32 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

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By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By vicgal - 14/8/2009 18:33 - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 11:03 - United States - Rochester

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML

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By BatWife - 29/3/2017 19:00 - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By Rae - 2/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By embarrassed - 4/1/2016 17:58 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML

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By psychortiz - 3/6/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

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By pain - 1/11/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/9/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By Ctmusher - 14/4/2017 16:00

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

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By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - 13/9/2016 21:17 - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 19:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

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By jesus christ - 1/10/2011 02:55 - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

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By birthdayboy - 19/6/2019 16:22

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

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By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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By notsofriendly - 6/11/2014 20:15 - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

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Top comments

By Ekh0es | 36

#3295796 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:08

Lol OMG that is gross... Sorry OP. Hide the towels.

By enonymous | 8

#3295832 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:12

It adds volume and body and gives your hair definite character

Comments

By Ekh0es | 36

#3295796 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:08

Lol OMG that is gross... Sorry OP. Hide the towels.

woahbro2slow | 0

#3295844 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:13

so did you have to use toilet paper to wash your hands? :) haha

LilBunny | 0

#3295915 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:21

And I bet she uses toilet paper to dry off after taking a shower

rallets | 22

#3296014 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:35

does he shower and do laundry?

fugachumi | 0

#3296030 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:38

OP's name is poop towel lmao

newzealand | 28

#3296085 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:49

Two girls one towel..

ItsTheKing | 10

#3296101 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:54

Fuck Garnier Fructis. Poop gives your hair volume.

echogekko | 7

#3296172 - Friday 16 September 2011 2:34

Eheheheheewwww

Streeet_hayley | 6

#3296343 - Friday 16 September 2011 4:12

What a waste of towels

Rundowntheblock | 3

#3296450 - Friday 16 September 2011 5:02

Well thats a shitty idea isnt it?

fakeaccountX | 6

#3296452 - Friday 16 September 2011 5:02

What a classy lady.

Horde | 8

#3297392 - Friday 16 September 2011 10:34

Don't hide your towel. Use one from a drawer, and treat your one 'neares towel in reach' with some hot pepper spray. That will teach the bitch to respect property!

zniltiaC | 19

#3299270 - Friday 16 September 2011 17:30

Hide yo towels, hide yo cloths.

Kiirst_mt1994 | 26

#3462178 - Thursday 20 October 2011 17:57

there might not have been any toilet paper at the time, but seriously, LOL!

By SlimShady167 | 3

#3295818 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:11

Haha what the fuck? That's gross:/ Sorry OP, FYL

Dalliance | 4

#3296093 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:52

I babysat a kid once who did this. He'd had explosive diarrhea and used the towel to wipe his legs that were dripping in nearly liquid feces. But he was four.

tsim_fml | 0

#3297162 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:03

Two girls one towel?

ceepevoy | 0

#3297244 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:26

Wtf is wrong with ppl?

bustub2 | 8

#3299331 - Friday 16 September 2011 17:54

I believe a jury would let you off for that.

By BroSkii69 | 8

#3295821 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:11

What a shitty roommate ;)

Turner_22 | 0

#3296071 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:47

FAIL.

By enonymous | 8

#3295832 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:12

It adds volume and body and gives your hair definite character

danishbagel | 3

#3296301 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:41

Also covers you in shit.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3296644 - Friday 16 September 2011 5:52

I've heard caking shit into your hair is the secret to all the Jersey Shore character's incredibly immobile hair.

ntherewas1 | 11

#3298306 - Friday 16 September 2011 12:55

And this is my favourite comment of the day!

By levisguy53 | 25

#3295841 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:13

sounds like you have to day down the law and housebreak this chick.

SteelCladAngel | 0

#3299450 - Friday 16 September 2011 18:35

Rub her face in the dirty towel and smack her nose with a rolled up magazine.

By FYLDeep | 25

#3295851 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:14

How do people like this ever make it into college?

leadman1989 | 15

#3300431 - Friday 16 September 2011 22:32

Cheating!

luccmon | 6

#3301730 - Saturday 17 September 2011 3:06

Nobody said it was college. Roommate applies to anyone living together in any given dwelling..... But having cleared that up, your question is still valid.

By Snookie85 | 19

#3295875 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:17

That's just wrong!

By MangoRico1 | 1

#3295882 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:18

She has class I see.... Or just puts the Ass in it

By boredblonde | 17

#3295901 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:19

That is just ........ no

By Penn2894 | 6

#3295945 - Friday 16 September 2011 1:24

That sucks. Keep your towels with you in a drawer or something and only take them to the bathroom when they need to shower?