Intimacy: Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in... - FML

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 322

You deserved it 14 423

Age difference

Broken heart

Parenting in 2021

By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 112

You deserved it 2 297

By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 381

You deserved it 7 747

By Kendall14159 - 17/04/2016 20:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 097

You deserved it 2 617

Drawing a blank

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 08:01

Today, I sat my end of year assessment. I was quite pleased that nothing I learned in my syllabus came up on the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 16:17 - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 928

You deserved it 31 456

By its ok to cheat!? - 20/02/2013 21:52 - United States - Brisbane

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 660

You deserved it 15 691

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 143

You deserved it 4 328

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 19:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 424

You deserved it 2 775

By parisite - 01/10/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 088

You deserved it 4 241

Eau de toilette

By anon - 05/03/2011 10:15 - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 400

You deserved it 3 097

By babydoll13211 - 04/09/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 298

You deserved it 66 154

By embarassed - 14/01/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 859

You deserved it 5 340

By anon - 21/06/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 777

You deserved it 7 251

By HaliMali - 22/02/2015 18:21 - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 364

You deserved it 3 681

By Ismellbacon - 29/02/2012 06:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 406

You deserved it 29 023

By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 010

You deserved it 3 905

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 683

You deserved it 2 484

Big lad

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:01

Today, I admit I’m a bit of a big lad, but I never knew how big until I was desperate for a shit so I sat on, and broke, a toilet, flooding the bathroom, at my girlfriend's parents house, the very first time I met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 213

By 420SUX - 04/08/2012 06:17 - United States - Federal Way

Spicy

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 958

You deserved it 9 457

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 115

You deserved it 3 132

By habsgurl0622 - 08/10/2012 18:57 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 688

You deserved it 2 993

By anonynous - 27/06/2015 15:01 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 629

You deserved it 3 612

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 16:34

Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube, and has repeated it so many times that I'm now singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 421

By melas303 - 30/12/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a pregnancy test in my trashcan. I live alone with my boyfriend and I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 807

You deserved it 2 809

By ___Ruby_____ - 08/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 475

You deserved it 362

By MissIsabel - 03/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 075

You deserved it 12 429

By no one - 29/03/2012 18:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 378

You deserved it 3 915

By make america date again - 10/02/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 607

You deserved it 1 368

By jwz - 16/02/2009 15:25 - Netherlands

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 402

You deserved it 80 008

By CaptMacLeod - 26/01/2016 09:18 - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 618

You deserved it 2 115

By ewww - 26/08/2012 09:21 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 895

You deserved it 2 519

By woodless - 09/12/2012 15:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 971

You deserved it 1 947

By Anonymous - 08/02/2018 15:00

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 352

You deserved it 452

By kiwi2323 - 26/09/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 330

You deserved it 3 332

By PISSED - 07/11/2009 11:58 - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 122

You deserved it 5 171

By CmS_1733 - 11/02/2016 18:59 - United States - Pottsville

Spicy

Today, after long day at work, I stopped by my parents' house to say hi. After 30 minutes into the visit, my dad turns to me and asks, "Did you really have to stop by while I was balls deep?" Apparently I interrupted my parents' sex time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 075

You deserved it 3 012

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

By collegestudent - 20/09/2019 02:01

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 191

By I think its dead - 15/01/2013 07:33 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 908

You deserved it 41 354

Expanding universe

By JessicaandGhazi - 26/05/2020 20:00

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 327

By Wrongword - 17/04/2012 10:52 - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 547

You deserved it 4 084

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Top comments

WhackTheJackal 22

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:12

Oh god, hope she looked away when you finished. FYL

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:14

More like FML for your sister. You did the right thing going private.

Comments

WhackTheJackal 22

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:12

Oh god, hope she looked away when you finished. FYL

xx000o 27

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:04

In its own it was still funny.

XPhoenixFire 17

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:04

Hope shes not old enough to remember it, could affect your relationship in the future.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 14:19

She was probably wondering why you stood up peeing, and why you had to cock it so many times to finish

LocsOn 13

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 14:58

thats called getting more than you paid for

23lf 16

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 16:16

Guys do stand up when they pee...I'm going to guess you're a girl in middle school.

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 9:27

Im pretty sure girls in middle school know that

WhackTheJackal 22

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 20:00

I got the featured comment, im so happy.

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Thursday 23 October 2014 4:58

Why would he finish?

WhackTheJackal 22

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Friday 24 October 2014 22:16

OP did not specify that he saw/heard her before finishing.

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Friday 7 November 2014 3:06

Gee, thanks.

thefmlman2011 35

Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:34

Blewch has to be the best misspelling ever. BLEEEEWCH

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:46

That won't become a "thing" will it?

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 14:47

They said that about pwned and.. I forgot the rest.

Crazycucumbers 8

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 15:49

Blewch, starring Ichwgo.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:23

Ain't gunna be a ought eye bleach fo dat!

thefmlman2011 35

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:20

Am I only getting down voted because of a misspelt word?

gennyv 29

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:27

No, also because it was a stupid comment in general. :)

thefmlman2011 35

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:34

note to self, never race for first

AfroSamurai3000 9

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Thursday 23 October 2014 14:04

You can't rush a meaningful comment just cause you wanna go to first otherwise you sound sour and uptight like in this comment ?

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:14

More like FML for your sister. You did the right thing going private.

sayyestothedress 24

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:28

If OP's sister put an FML she'd get more YDI that FYL!

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Sunday 26 October 2014 16:57

#25 its not like she could've seen that coming, I mean he doesn't specify an age but Im assuming she's a bit young and probably didnt even know what he was doing.... I hope.....

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Thursday 8 October 2015 9:42

#94 well I'm pretty sure she eventually saw it coming

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:14

I hope she wasn't old enough to know what you were doing. None the less, FYL OP.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:06

It might be better if she did know what he was doing. "Little sister" is vague, she could be 16 years old.

slamdunkinoreo 7

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Monday 1 December 2014 20:28

I could be wrong but I don't think 16year old girl.could be that immature . I'm guessing like 11years old.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:15

Maybe do it in your room next time and check to make sure no one's around.

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 14:14

What, little children don't think it's fun to hide in someone's bedroom closet? Wouldn't matter.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 15:32

5 - so youre implying that a sister (or anyone) is less likely to hide in a bedroom closet rather than a bathroom one? thats some backwards logic

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:22

People do it in the bathroom instead of their room for the exact reason of nobody is suppose to be in there, going back to the bedroom increases chances of being caught

klg32 17

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Tuesday 25 November 2014 3:28

That's why you lock ur bedroom door if you're doing it there

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:15

little sister will be blackmailing you for life now.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 16:59

Or she might need therapy

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:15

Wow... Now she knows not to intrude on others personal time....

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:16

Jeez, I'm speechless. I'm not sure who I feel worse for, OP, or their sister

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:21

Well it's almost Halloween so expect assholes(I mean wonderful people with great holiday spirit) to be jumping out of everywhere trying to scare you.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:26

Follow up op !

pinkster2014 25

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:36

I second this!

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 383

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 695