Miscellaneous: Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what...

By Anonymos_fmler - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family ties

Is it though?

You hear me?

By Jims - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

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By Anonymousagb - United Arab Emirates

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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By jobless

Today, I had my first interview after weeks of applying everywhere, but I got turned away for being "inappropriately dressed" for the interview. I was wearing the smartest clothes I own. FML

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By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

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By wtfrelationship - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

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By bongoboy - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

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By desocrates - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

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By luckygirl - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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By help meeeee - 14/3/2021 17:01

Abalaschabalamanama

Today, and ever since we watched a documentary about televangelists scamming people, my boyfriend randomly imitates them speaking "in tongues" because he knows it freaks me out. He's really good at it as well. FML

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709

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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29512

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 11:01 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Playing the long game

Today, after 9 years of loveless marriage, my wife confided in me that she was always an introvert and depressed person, but pretended to be outgoing and fun loving with me up until our marriage, so she could marry me just to lift herself up from low class to high class society. FML

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By SIK of everything - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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38087

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By Anonymous

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By ohman - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML

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By biggmouth - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

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By Trama1201 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By lene - 11/3/2021 04:57

Management balls-up

Today, I was fired for not completing the required computer training, which no one told me about. I was told that it's my responsibility to check it every week. It would have been nice if a single one of my supervisors had given me any indication whatsoever that this was the case. FML

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By concernedsis - United States - Atlanta

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister got me in deep trouble at the store I worked security for. She "dropped by to say hi" and stole a bunch of things when I wasn't looking. I wasn't arrested, due to lack of any evidence. But my boss didn't care about evidence and fired me anyway. FML

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22637

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By LadyJane - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

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By lonesome - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

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By bregaja - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

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By Mary Anne - 3/9/2020 09:04 - United States - Denver

Rack go thwack

Today, while at work, I walked head first into the edge of a clothing rack. I was looking right at it. People saw. FML

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By MrRadin - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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By FMeeee - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By hawkwardd - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By snotface - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

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By CatLover - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By TukTuk - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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Top comments

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

COMMENTS

By missblove | 17

#6095548 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:22

Start using that from now on haha

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096036 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:12

Or other greases, like coconut oil.

asa2000 | 4

#6096645 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 7:20

Haha! She's a fat cow that's gonna die of heart failure! Haha! She deserved it, that miserable swine!

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6095592 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:10

mmmm bacon grease.

foxwasalamb | 24

#6095862 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 18:12

my lipgloss be poppin my lipgloss be cool all the boys keep jockin they chase me after school

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096039 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:13

"And what is that intoxicating beefy perfume you're wearing?"

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095611 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:32

Maybe she's born with it.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095613 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:33

Easy. Greasy. Beautiful. Slim Jim girl.

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6095795 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 16:57

You won the internet today.

By dawood_k | 27

#6095551 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Who is slim Jim? Why were you wearing him

LexiDaBae | 17

#6095582 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:53

*facepalm*

GirasolNegro | 22

#6095598 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:19

Slim Jim is a dried sausage / jerky snack

asa2000 | 4

#6096212 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:01

17&12-It's obviously a joke dipshits

By Avasion_fml | 7

#6095557 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:28

Maybe wipe your lips when you're finished eating food?

SarahSehhati | 40

#6096243 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:44

Then her lips wouldn't be popping!

By TheMalygos | 21

#6095558 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:30

Well, thanks for the makeup tip!

sayyestothedress | 24

#6095602 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:27

I should really try that!

By devildog562 | 33

#6095566 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

I have that stupid "break into a slim Jim" , commercial stuck in my head now .

tony1891 | 22

#6095589 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:04

oooh yeah snap into a slim jim.

By ginger196 | 14

#6095567 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

Thanks for the tip! I bet slim Jim's are a lot cheaper than the stuff I currently buy

By Crossbowe | 13

#6095569 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:40

Slim Jim : Yes! Imposter sticks : No!

By mehhhh112 | 6

#6095570 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:41

I guess slim Jim's do have benefits