Miscellaneous: Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what...

By Anonymos_fmler - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mystery

It's not unusual

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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28582

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By wastedtime - 13/9/2020 10:57 - United States

Time to run

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2014

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168

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By Anonymous

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

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3489

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218

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By owned - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

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36345

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By Peach

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML

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4100

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442

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By dumpedandstranded - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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38707

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By Big Mouth

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

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3171

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By AmySweet - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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34372

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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13377

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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22274

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By jessie - 16/12/2020 20:58 - United States - Denver

Armchair psychiatrist

Today, I was informed that I am, in fact, faking my depression. Why? Because I shower daily. FML

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943

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went indoor rock climbing with my uncle and his 5 year-old girl. I'm about halfway up the hardest ascent when my arm cramps up. As I stretched my arm, my cousin yells up at me in her tiny voice, "Prove you're a man and climb that wall!" I fell off. I was emasculated by a 5 year-old. FML

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24507

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By notthe1punchinglittlegirls

A few good men?

Today, I was visiting my in-laws and sharing a room with my husband's 17-year-old sister. Later that night she and her brother of 24 years started fist-fighting over an air mattress and I had to pull them off each other. The brother later berated me with, "You can't handle any pressure!" FML

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3978

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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36886

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By ouch

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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32118

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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35352

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By ptwm - United States

Malding

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

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31492

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By you would - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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140660

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By LostInSunday

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

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11194

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

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27498

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By Leftattheairport

Today, I went to pick up my long distance boyfriend at the airport. It has been over six months since I last saw him and four days since I last heard from him. He never showed up. FML

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2557

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By Anonymous

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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900

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By couch girl - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

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44695

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By Cora - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

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31680

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

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23939

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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12041

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813

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By get a grip, son - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

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46081

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By thanks dad

Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML

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4758

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

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11111

You deserved it

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By Emma Five - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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8556

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By c*nt - Canada - London

Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they'd finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

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7189

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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21652

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

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26208

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By whytho

Because of him

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I also found out I have an STD. I was clean before we dated. FML

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2318

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341

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By Why me? - United States - Wilmington

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

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21207

You deserved it

1304

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By wtf?! - 30/5/2020 05:00

Purple rain, purple rain

Today, out of boredom, I decided to dye my hair. I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders. My insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having sex with a boyfriend I don’t even have. She won’t listen, and I’m grounded for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1622

You deserved it

249

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By Nomoresandwish - United States

Today, when I had a go at my husband for spending way too much time in front of the TV, he pointed the remote control at me while miming turning down the volume in order to make me shut up. FML

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29129

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34237

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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13391

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By Anna - United States - New York

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

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Top comments

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

COMMENTS

By missblove | 17

#6095548 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:22

Start using that from now on haha

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096036 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:12

Or other greases, like coconut oil.

asa2000 | 4

#6096645 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 7:20

Haha! She's a fat cow that's gonna die of heart failure! Haha! She deserved it, that miserable swine!

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6095592 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:10

mmmm bacon grease.

foxwasalamb | 24

#6095862 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 18:12

my lipgloss be poppin my lipgloss be cool all the boys keep jockin they chase me after school

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096039 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:13

"And what is that intoxicating beefy perfume you're wearing?"

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095611 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:32

Maybe she's born with it.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095613 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:33

Easy. Greasy. Beautiful. Slim Jim girl.

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6095795 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 16:57

You won the internet today.

By dawood_k | 27

#6095551 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Who is slim Jim? Why were you wearing him

LexiDaBae | 17

#6095582 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:53

*facepalm*

GirasolNegro | 22

#6095598 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:19

Slim Jim is a dried sausage / jerky snack

asa2000 | 4

#6096212 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:01

17&12-It's obviously a joke dipshits

By Avasion_fml | 7

#6095557 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:28

Maybe wipe your lips when you're finished eating food?

SarahSehhati | 40

#6096243 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:44

Then her lips wouldn't be popping!

By TheMalygos | 21

#6095558 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:30

Well, thanks for the makeup tip!

sayyestothedress | 24

#6095602 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:27

I should really try that!

By devildog562 | 33

#6095566 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

I have that stupid "break into a slim Jim" , commercial stuck in my head now .

tony1891 | 22

#6095589 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:04

oooh yeah snap into a slim jim.

By ginger196 | 14

#6095567 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

Thanks for the tip! I bet slim Jim's are a lot cheaper than the stuff I currently buy

By Crossbowe | 13

#6095569 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:40

Slim Jim : Yes! Imposter sticks : No!

By mehhhh112 | 6

#6095570 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:41

I guess slim Jim's do have benefits