Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what...

By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Car Wars

All for nothing

By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By not jacked - 20/4/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

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By alie - 9/2/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 20:09 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

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By mr_dinzaster - 30/5/2019 22:00

Today, a dog came into my yard. I bent down to pet him, forgetting I had a burger in my hand. The dog grabbed it and ran. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By Unwanted - 2/8/2012 06:50 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By Helmet - 20/10/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

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By RZ - 7/3/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

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By Aliiiice - 16/7/2013 13:18 - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 21:22 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By jessicab72 - 15/5/2014 20:38 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By broken - 28/7/2009 17:12 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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By baugy - 11/4/2012 02:19 - United States - Orlando

Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my family and friends about a faint vibrating in my upper nostril, they all convinced me I was paranoid. That was until that night when I blew my nose and there was the bug in my tissue. Its leg was still twitching. FML

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By chinatownhobo - 8/4/2013 06:12 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By ihatelaura - 15/5/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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By whatisthisshit - 17/3/2017 00:00

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

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By wtf_fml_0609 - 1/11/2010 16:43 - United States

Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML

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By PicturePerfect - 2/3/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By tinygirl - 7/3/2011 06:16

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

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By Anon - 23/5/2016 10:49 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

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By crashednowcrushed - 26/4/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

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By schoolkiddo - 8/9/2010 07:35 - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By mildver - 20/4/2009 04:51 - Costa Rica

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes she said with a sigh of relief "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

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By Tired - 13/7/2009 13:25 - Philippines

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By Maestro - 1/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By rider - 24/11/2009 10:58 - Qatar

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

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By LeaveHimAlone - 30/12/2014 04:23 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I have to take time off from work to take part in an intervention because my sister's obsession with the guy from Harry Potter has crossed over into illegality. FML

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By helpme - 15/7/2013 17:25 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

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Top comments

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

COMMENTS

By missblove | 17

#6095548 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:22

Start using that from now on haha

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096036 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:12

Or other greases, like coconut oil.

asa2000 | 4

#6096645 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 7:20

Haha! She's a fat cow that's gonna die of heart failure! Haha! She deserved it, that miserable swine!

By Meowdisen | 15

#6095549 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:24

Apparently we have all been wearing the wrong types of makeup. All we needed this whole time was food grease.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6095592 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:10

mmmm bacon grease.

foxwasalamb | 24

#6095862 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 18:12

my lipgloss be poppin my lipgloss be cool all the boys keep jockin they chase me after school

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6096039 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 20:13

"And what is that intoxicating beefy perfume you're wearing?"

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6095550 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's slim Jim grease.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095611 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:32

Maybe she's born with it.

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6095613 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:33

Easy. Greasy. Beautiful. Slim Jim girl.

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6095795 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 16:57

You won the internet today.

By dawood_k | 27

#6095551 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:25

Who is slim Jim? Why were you wearing him

LexiDaBae | 17

#6095582 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:53

*facepalm*

GirasolNegro | 22

#6095598 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:19

Slim Jim is a dried sausage / jerky snack

asa2000 | 4

#6096212 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:01

17&12-It's obviously a joke dipshits

By Avasion_fml | 7

#6095557 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:28

Maybe wipe your lips when you're finished eating food?

SarahSehhati | 40

#6096243 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:44

Then her lips wouldn't be popping!

By TheMalygos | 21

#6095558 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:30

Well, thanks for the makeup tip!

sayyestothedress | 24

#6095602 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:27

I should really try that!

By devildog562 | 33

#6095566 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

I have that stupid "break into a slim Jim" , commercial stuck in my head now .

tony1891 | 22

#6095589 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:04

oooh yeah snap into a slim jim.

By ginger196 | 14

#6095567 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:39

Thanks for the tip! I bet slim Jim's are a lot cheaper than the stuff I currently buy

By Crossbowe | 13

#6095569 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:40

Slim Jim : Yes! Imposter sticks : No!

By mehhhh112 | 6

#6095570 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 12:41

I guess slim Jim's do have benefits