By leah

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1383

You deserved it

124

Favorite

Family values

Commando

Deep-seated resentment

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54482

You deserved it

5110

Favorite

By CollegeKid

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10345

You deserved it

713

Favorite

By I need cuddles

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1927

You deserved it

307

Favorite

By jodafish - Canada

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35473

You deserved it

2686

Favorite

By tatfreak - United States

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17705

You deserved it

36309

Favorite

By InfamousLastWord - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43360

You deserved it

6184

Favorite

By notexactly - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14375

You deserved it

64074

Favorite

By Already Broke Asf - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my 19-year-old brother broke into my dorm and robbed me. When I tried to file a report, my brother went to my parents and told them that he took it because I owed him money on a bet. Guess who lost $92.50. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24879

You deserved it

2309

Favorite

By minder97 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40482

You deserved it

2697

Favorite

By Omydayz - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19512

You deserved it

1894

Favorite

By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

877

Favorite

By Noah

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9404

You deserved it

815

Favorite

By numbcrumb

Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5763

You deserved it

282

Favorite

By Embarresedguy - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38560

You deserved it

9706

Favorite

By phonebaby - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29514

You deserved it

7602

Favorite

By flowerfail - United States

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43637

You deserved it

4954

Favorite

By grizzlybear - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52977

You deserved it

6966

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15763

You deserved it

37411

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44328

You deserved it

27817

Favorite

By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2811

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19716

You deserved it

46672

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Green Bay

Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47402

You deserved it

5208

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30705

You deserved it

2685

Favorite

By SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! - United States - Gurnee

Today, my Breaking Bad obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks." during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36186

You deserved it

4238

Favorite

By ummPORQUE - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

34920

You deserved it

70507

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14042

You deserved it

1052

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12184

You deserved it

36833

Favorite

By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17785

You deserved it

54635

Favorite

By TahRah - United States

Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

174897

You deserved it

16104

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 17:04

This is us

Today, after 14 years of relationship, him forgetting every anniversary and birthday, and being disloyal several times, my boyfriend offered to buy us friendship rings. Because I according to him, I seem to care for such gestures, and it would fix our problems. 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

884

You deserved it

2182

Favorite

By Bree - United States

Today, my father tried to secretly follow me all day, because he doesn't believe that I have any "real" errands to run or friends to meet with. He's actually convinced that I'm living some secret double life with another family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25557

You deserved it

1712

Favorite

By Silent - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25862

You deserved it

4651

Favorite

By Fat Arsed Lass - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38395

You deserved it

9457

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44788

You deserved it

3870

Favorite

By FlipYoC - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8715

You deserved it

60777

Favorite

By AnHoneyMouse

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3999

You deserved it

1339

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16321

You deserved it

48480

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43639

You deserved it

3473

Favorite

By Gracie-Ann - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

56580

You deserved it

4794

Favorite

By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2169

You deserved it

620

Favorite

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7851728 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 23:52

Oh don't you just hate those burglars stealing your water by taking showers in your house? Ugh!

By shannon2348 | 14

#7851749 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:11

why would a burglar be standing in the shower naked? and does no one on fml understand a closed bathroom door?

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7851728 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 23:52

Oh don't you just hate those burglars stealing your water by taking showers in your house? Ugh!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7851740 - Thursday 17 October 2019 0:22

Umm Wow that's one dumbass or she did that on purpose

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#7851747 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:02

Yes, she “thought you were a burglar.”

By shannon2348 | 14

#7851749 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:11

why would a burglar be standing in the shower naked? and does no one on fml understand a closed bathroom door?

By Traveling_Book | 9

#7851775 - Thursday 17 October 2019 6:32

You bought that excuse? Nah she just wanted to smack you.

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7851783 - Thursday 17 October 2019 6:59

Oscar Pistoruis approves

By chyiochan | 31

#7851947 - Thursday 17 October 2019 18:10

You're the start of the real 'Wet Bandits'!

By JackFaire | 27

#7852225 - Friday 18 October 2019 18:32

As a sibling no she knew who you were and new you'd never see the punch coming. Her dumbass thought it would be funny or she really does hate you that much. Either that or she saw a horror movie the night before where the killer was in the shower and just panicked.

Seriously no bloody way she actually thought it was a burglar.