Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 12:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54067

You deserved it

9646

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Doomed

Not a cheating!

By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27907

You deserved it

6934

Tweet

Share

By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31022

You deserved it

7933

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 03:10

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1396

You deserved it

323

Tweet

Share

By ThisPerson - 19/5/2011 10:11 - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32174

You deserved it

6650

Tweet

Share

By jazzterchic - 29/12/2016 15:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5497

You deserved it

375

Tweet

Share

By tripb101 - 22/4/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I hinted at getting it on towards my wife (it's been 2 weeks since we last did). She answered with "no I'm to tired", within 2 minutes she said, "I'm gonna go use the treadmill". She got all hot and sweaty for about 30 minutes, but it was with the treadmill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57930

You deserved it

6054

Tweet

Share

By PleaseDontHateMe - 20/9/2016 16:42 - Canada - Stony Plain

Today, I tried to impress a girl by draping my arm over the back of her chair. I ended up elbowing her in the nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10232

You deserved it

4937

Tweet

Share

By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33064

You deserved it

3857

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 04:29 - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62053

You deserved it

2355

Tweet

Share

By sadguy - 22/9/2009 18:30 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60599

You deserved it

10929

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 06:00

On Target, almost

Today, I was walking through Target when I was pulled aside by a very attractive girl who began kissing me. She stopped, because I wasn't who she thought I was. Disappointed, I turned around to see her very angry, very large boyfriend behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1767

You deserved it

155

Tweet

Share

By yikes78 - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45625

You deserved it

10452

Tweet

Share

By KillMePlease - 11/3/2015 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28252

You deserved it

2544

Tweet

Share

By adults acting like children - 17/9/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13788

You deserved it

765

Tweet

Share

By notarobber - 15/5/2013 07:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48587

You deserved it

10088

Tweet

Share

By needsnewshorts - 16/7/2013 01:42 - United States - San Clemente

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66270

You deserved it

23504

Tweet

Share

By DENTALITY - 23/5/2015 11:06 - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28970

You deserved it

3618

Tweet

Share

By KidJwal - 28/2/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38402

You deserved it

6918

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47910

You deserved it

13906

Tweet

Share

By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1854

You deserved it

368

Tweet

Share

By JustSom - 5/5/2015 02:03 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29338

You deserved it

3028

Tweet

Share

By emix - 17/6/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12080

You deserved it

66412

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36304

You deserved it

3267

Tweet

Share

By whysheheartless - 3/11/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43738

You deserved it

3038

Tweet

Share

By na - 4/2/2009 14:35 - United States

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46798

You deserved it

7515

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/8/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42890

You deserved it

3639

Tweet

Share

By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2016 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30233

You deserved it

1807

Tweet

Share

By Clutz - 25/10/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, after I had finished vacuuming, I ripped the cord out of the outlet and it hit me in the face cutting both my top and bottom lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11382

You deserved it

35775

Tweet

Share

By JustRidingMyBike - 4/1/2017 17:11

Today, I started my new job as a supervisor. I began by cleaning out my new office, including recycling large sheets of cardboard left over from the new calendars. When the 2nd shift came in, however, they got very upset and yelled at me. Apparently, I had thrown away my Muslim workers' prayer mats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8274

You deserved it

1856

Tweet

Share

By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4270

You deserved it

173

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 20:00

Today, I saw what I thought was a cobweb right behind my head where I sleep. I went to wipe it off and part of the sheetrock dented in. On further inspection, they were holes in the wall. Termites started coming out of them like something out of a horror movie. My husband is out of town for the next few weeks, and I'm extremely bug-phobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1950

You deserved it

203

Tweet

Share

By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44517

You deserved it

3252

Tweet

Share

By serveandprotectyeahright - 20/11/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47149

You deserved it

4527

Tweet

Share

By srsly_what - 28/4/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36499

You deserved it

3488

Tweet

Share

By katerina - 29/11/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents talking about me and discussing how I've never had a boyfriend. My mum laughed that maybe they should pay someone to go out with me, and my dad replied, "Heh, not enough money in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53070

You deserved it

4182

Tweet

Share

By FMLMom - 8/8/2012 08:02 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35690

You deserved it

4586

Tweet

Share

By OrlandoZ6 - 25/5/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46431

You deserved it

10610

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 12/10/2010 03:06 - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40058

You deserved it

3065

Tweet

Share

By Sick Guy - 24/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4826

You deserved it

326

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 08:47 - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27631

You deserved it

2901

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5482517 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:51

Appreciate the little things in life.

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5482534 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:55

Us guys don't play with words... When we say let's go grocery shopping, we mean grocery shopping... There is no other meaning...

Unless it's sex related... Then we play with all kind of words :-)

COMMENTS

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5482517 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:51

Appreciate the little things in life.

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#5482560 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:04

There's always next year....

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#5482625 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:40

If you were looking forward to spending a quiet evening alone, it surprises me you were so excited then for a big surprise party.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5482636 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:48

I think this was him making up for that thing guys like to do, "never taking girls shopping". Get your payback OP by taking him with you to Forever 21.

By da_directioner39 | 17

#5482518 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:52

At least he took you out.

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5482523 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Best comment ever. I'm stunned.

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5482528 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Never mind

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5482697 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:07

Well grocery stores usually aren't loud. So I guess she got what she was looking forward to... Kinda

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5482522 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Did you buy some things to cook a nice meal together?

By MCRaddict15 | 15

#5482525 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Hey, grocery shopping can be fun!

Reply

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5482641 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:50

You don't get out much, do you?

Reply

doctor_glitter | 6

#5482679 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 20:41

She does to go grocery shopping apparently.

Reply

valalvax | 13

#5482772 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 22:21

I'm with 5,grocery shopping with my girlfriend is fun, maybe in a few years when it's just a routine task that we have to do, but it is time with her

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5482946 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 0:11

You can pick up some sweet bargains. Gotta love going to Sainsburys to buy cider only to come home with some kick-ass lego sets that were half price.

By PoopNuggetLeader | 4

#5482526 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Home dinners are always the best. Unless both of you can't cook.

By xRezSynn | 15

#5482529 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Did he remember?

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5482534 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:55

Us guys don't play with words... When we say let's go grocery shopping, we mean grocery shopping... There is no other meaning...

Unless it's sex related... Then we play with all kind of words :-)

By Wizardo | 33

#5482545 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:57

Its an FML due to your own expectations so you can't really complain here...

By feldco1 | 17

#5482549 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:58

Well at least you got to spend it with your husband. It's not always what you do but who you spend the day with.

By debbster7 | 18

#5482551 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:59

If you wanted to do something for your birthday, then why didn't you say so?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#5482684 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 20:48

Exactly. High expectations often produce big disappointments. If you want something to happen, speak up.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5482749 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 22:06

12- A lot of women (not all, of course) like to think that their significant others pick up on their ambiguous hints.They say they want pizza, but they mean they want Italian food. They say "quiet time alone", they mean "loud grandiose raging party".

Reply

UberNova | 18

#5483053 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:47

I hate the subtle hints girl are said to make ...well that is according to legend. If I want something I say it or get it myself.