Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 12:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Does it taste good?

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By Holding - 24/8/2013 05:21 - United States - Staunton

Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML

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By dadum - 27/1/2011 07:17 - Australia

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By don't pray, PAY - 23/3/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By Fartini - 7/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By 310 - 9/10/2009 06:42 - United States

It's not?

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

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By sting - 3/6/2017 04:00

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 19:56 - Canada

Today, I was at the park with a friend when I said "Gotta go, sorry. I've got court in an hour." The lady on the bench next to us then loudly complained how disgusting I was for being a criminal and threw her bird seed at me, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyer with a case in an hour, not a criminal. FML

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By Zamaria - 2/10/2009 22:23 - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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By Screwed - 16/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

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By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - 17/7/2015 17:50 - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

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By misstree - 7/9/2009 08:23 - Singapore

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - 17/1/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 18:00

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By Marie Foster - 27/7/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

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By anon - 22/5/2015 02:22 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

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By Hotdamn - 21/3/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By Screwed - 26/5/2009 07:48 - South Africa

Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

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By Mary - 21/11/2008 10:06 - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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By wmkaz - 21/4/2012 06:15 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By WOWBear - 5/6/2013 09:46 - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By kentrm - 11/5/2016 02:12 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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By croleymd - 17/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By Ouch - 14/11/2018 05:00

Today, I tried to break up a fight between two of my coworkers. They decided to show their gratitude by smashing me in the face with a thick ceramic dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 17:43 - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

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By rainedaddy - 29/9/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By pey - 21/5/2020 14:00

Revelations

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

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By - 12/2/2020 14:00 - United States

Almost father

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

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By craphanded - 19/7/2011 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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By sydysyd - 21/11/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

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By chachi - 28/9/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

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By Mel - 7/5/2011 22:27 - United States

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

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By Disgusted - 5/7/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

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Top comments

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5482517 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:51

Appreciate the little things in life.

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5482534 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:55

Us guys don't play with words... When we say let's go grocery shopping, we mean grocery shopping... There is no other meaning...

Unless it's sex related... Then we play with all kind of words :-)

Comments

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5482517 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:51

Appreciate the little things in life.

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#5482560 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:04

There's always next year....

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#5482625 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:40

If you were looking forward to spending a quiet evening alone, it surprises me you were so excited then for a big surprise party.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5482636 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:48

I think this was him making up for that thing guys like to do, "never taking girls shopping". Get your payback OP by taking him with you to Forever 21.

By da_directioner39 | 17

#5482518 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:52

At least he took you out.

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5482523 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Best comment ever. I'm stunned.

Reply

MetallicaFTW | 16

#5482528 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Never mind

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5482697 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 21:07

Well grocery stores usually aren't loud. So I guess she got what she was looking forward to... Kinda

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5482522 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Did you buy some things to cook a nice meal together?

By MCRaddict15 | 15

#5482525 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:53

Hey, grocery shopping can be fun!

Reply

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5482641 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 19:50

You don't get out much, do you?

Reply

doctor_glitter | 6

#5482679 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 20:41

She does to go grocery shopping apparently.

Reply

valalvax | 13

#5482772 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 22:21

I'm with 5,grocery shopping with my girlfriend is fun, maybe in a few years when it's just a routine task that we have to do, but it is time with her

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5482946 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 0:11

You can pick up some sweet bargains. Gotta love going to Sainsburys to buy cider only to come home with some kick-ass lego sets that were half price.

By PoopNuggetLeader | 4

#5482526 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Home dinners are always the best. Unless both of you can't cook.

By xRezSynn | 15

#5482529 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:54

Did he remember?

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5482534 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:55

Us guys don't play with words... When we say let's go grocery shopping, we mean grocery shopping... There is no other meaning...

Unless it's sex related... Then we play with all kind of words :-)

By Wizardo | 33

#5482545 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:57

Its an FML due to your own expectations so you can't really complain here...

By feldco1 | 17

#5482549 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:58

Well at least you got to spend it with your husband. It's not always what you do but who you spend the day with.

By debbster7 | 18

#5482551 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 18:59

If you wanted to do something for your birthday, then why didn't you say so?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#5482684 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 20:48

Exactly. High expectations often produce big disappointments. If you want something to happen, speak up.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5482749 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 22:06

12- A lot of women (not all, of course) like to think that their significant others pick up on their ambiguous hints.They say they want pizza, but they mean they want Italian food. They say "quiet time alone", they mean "loud grandiose raging party".

Reply

UberNova | 18

#5483053 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 1:47

I hate the subtle hints girl are said to make ...well that is according to legend. If I want something I say it or get it myself.