Love: Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so... - FML

By katybaby - 09/12/2010 17:15 - United States

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 257

You deserved it 11 655

BO Central

The smell detective is on the case

Mondegreens

By markyvilla - 15/04/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 789

You deserved it 5 978

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started doodling a big muscly arm on my notepad, including bulging veins. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into his office. Apparently the mail clerk saw and was offended. I was asked to explain why I was drawing a person's 'private area'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 390

You deserved it 7 719

By CreeptacularBait - 21/03/2018 15:00

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 773

You deserved it 530

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 701

You deserved it 21 851

By lonelyboy101 - 27/08/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 798

You deserved it 8 585

Don't engage with these people

By fuck you! - 15/04/2021 05:00

Today, I overheard my mom telling my aunt what an “attention-seeking drama queen” I’ve been lately. All I asked was that she not smoke around me. I’ve had asthma all my life and am currently recovering from Covid. She thinks it’s all a conspiracy, meanwhile I haven’t taken a deep breath in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 308

You deserved it 79

By ohsnap - 28/10/2009 10:14 - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 672

You deserved it 35 228

By Downinthedumps - 14/08/2016 22:44 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 239

You deserved it 1 102

Prince Charming

By muskogee - 20/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 309

By Anonymous - 20/12/2011 17:16 - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 617

You deserved it 5 556

By writerflaw - 10/03/2015 17:36 - United States - Juneau

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 749

You deserved it 3 415

By Anonymous - 26/12/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 719

You deserved it 4 742

By fries - 24/11/2013 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 437

You deserved it 3 817

By dumpedandstranded - 15/10/2009 20:19 - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 751

You deserved it 5 161

By Robert - 31/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 364

You deserved it 434

By Username - 18/02/2011 05:19

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 396

You deserved it 4 937

Walking Dead

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 14:01

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 118

By McMuffin - 26/05/2017 14:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter ran with arms wide open towards me, smiling, only to pass me by and hug the gardener instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 197

You deserved it 538

By notsohappyniece - 02/11/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 831

You deserved it 3 757

By LadyLola - 25/11/2013 05:22 - United States - Dayton

Spicy

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 208

You deserved it 6 551

By youredisgusting - 03/10/2014 07:00 - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 990

You deserved it 2 714

By Anna - 13/07/2013 04:40 - United States - New York

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 250

You deserved it 3 205

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 17:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 849

You deserved it 48 240

By twatstick - 21/08/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 680

You deserved it 3 351

By sweetjulie - 11/07/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 265

By tallwoman - 18/05/2010 18:57 - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 495

You deserved it 4 085

By broke and hungry - 30/05/2015 18:53 - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 359

You deserved it 5 514

By randomjulz - 16/06/2011 03:53 - United States

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 190

You deserved it 9 944

The Intruder

By sad_unicorn - 19/04/2017 06:00 - Australia - Yagoona

Spicy

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 871

You deserved it 977

By sleepy2010 - 08/03/2010 14:46 - United States

Today, I started my spring break. My college is letting the students stay in the dorms for break, so I figured that staying here would mean getting more sleep than going home. Not so much. The fire alarm has been going off every 20 mins since 7:30am because they're "fixing" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 491

You deserved it 3 585

By Anonymous - 15/09/2014 17:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 764

You deserved it 4 049

By AbsolutelyEffed - 19/02/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 041

You deserved it 30 460

By Anonymous - 16/07/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 351

You deserved it 6 069

By secretninja64 - 21/08/2014 03:47 - United States - Saint Francis

Today, I got fired after three days at my new job. They told me it was because of downsizing. They were still interviewing people and had a help wanted sign in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 705

You deserved it 4 857

By ClaireBear150 - 20/09/2012 03:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 739

You deserved it 6 110

Classic Dave

By not the mama - 24/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, after years of trying, I got the wonderful news that my husband is going to be a father. Too bad I’m not the mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 70

By Gothicbunnyx3 - 21/02/2012 01:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 582

You deserved it 5 632

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 264

You deserved it 12 150

By Spinster - 30/09/2015 05:26 - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 137

You deserved it 2 404

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 446

You deserved it 94 420

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 0:01

Rule #2 Double Tap. Might want to punch him again just in case.

redbluegreen 40

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:43

I have no idea on how to respong either.

Comments

BieberBlastHA 2

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:39

woah =O lol

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 9:32

why the fuck was she sobbing?

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 20:16

oh whoa. I don't see what her husband has done wrong that deserve a punch. and she started sobbing? idk :S

Send a private message

Saturday 28 December 2013 19:26

Read it again, idiot.

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 10:18

Imagine you learned to punctuate.

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 15:35

Lolol that was a definite win!

Send a private message

Saturday 11 December 2010 8:49

why would she need to imagine what she did to her zombie husband? she already did it.

Val0 17

Send a private message

Wednesday 21 October 2015 17:17

You sound dumb.

redbluegreen 40

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:43

I have no idea on how to respong either.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:45

He's a shitty zombie -- zombies don't run, they have this ridiculous stiff-legged walk. He deserves a nut punch for perverting the zombie concept.

The_Creeper_fml 8

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 6:04

Zombies can run. But only after the nut punch. Maybe she was preemptive?

Send a private message

Sunday 12 December 2010 4:00

Obviously you haven't played nazi zombies.

Send a private message

Sunday 12 December 2010 6:29

left for dead? those zombies are fast as fuck!

AmericanGirl69 0

Send a private message

Saturday 14 May 2011 20:52

Looks like someone hasn't played Call of Duty Nazi zombies.

Send a private message

Friday 3 June 2011 6:19

im with the 3 upper comments ^^^

xXMudkipNoobXx 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 23 August 2011 15:47

they could run, you idiot. Ever watch zombieland?

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:45

You KNOW what you can do to make it up to him... Hop to it!

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:47

Wow you fist deep in this sitiuation

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 2:15

HIGHFIVE!

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:54

He's really pathetic. He should have known what it would do to you in the first place and what might happen. Tell him to man up and grow a pair.

Send a private message

Saturday 11 December 2010 8:14

I know right! Everyone should know exactly how their significant other will react if you act like a zombie. Because punching and crying its completely normal. I thought that was common knowledge... smh.

Send a private message

Thursday 9 December 2010 23:56

He had it coming, darling, and if he wants to use the 'domestic violence' card as he cries about it in the corner, it might be about time to check if those balls of his are genuine.

Send a private message

Friday 10 December 2010 1:38

Maybe it wasn't a reflex punch, but an anger punch after she screamed and saw he was just playing around. They need to talk over what is appropriate behavior around each other. Then hump like rabbits.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 106

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 291