Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As...

By Anonymous - 29/6/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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Kids

Season finale

Mr Sensitivity

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Broke - 4/12/2013 08:27 - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By Lola - 23/7/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By thatstinks - 7/4/2011 03:12 - Iceland

Today, I finally found out what the weird sour smell that's been in my dorm room for a while is. My roommate's sweat. FML

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By like - 14/3/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

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By Roma-Jay - 22/7/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By quackers - 8/7/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

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By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2018 23:37

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 12:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

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By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By cat whisperer - 20/3/2014 04:31 - United States

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I'm in the military and I'm gone too much. The reason I enlisted in the first place is because we agreed that the money and benefits I would earn would help us be able to start a family in the future. FML

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By catattack78 - 21/10/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By dizzlewizzle - 6/3/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

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By ilovedirt - 10/7/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

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By cj1012 - 8/7/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

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By maddieex - 4/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML

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By DeathPopStar666 - 19/8/2019 14:00

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By mrwilly - 2/1/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

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By Letteh - 19/5/2017 00:00

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By anon_1996 - 8/5/2013 16:59 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By anon - 23/3/2011 04:56

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

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By haters - 9/5/2019 12:00

Today, while in a meeting for work, my boss expressed how much he likes everyone at our site. But before continuing, he looked at me and said, “Everyone but you, that is.” FML

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By Chey - 22/3/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 19:11 - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 18:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

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By Grubendol - 15/12/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

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By uninvited - 4/2/2016 15:16 - United States - Boston

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

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By divorced - 19/8/2010 10:01 - United States

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

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By Dumbass - 10/1/2019 12:00

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By notapervert - 28/2/2013 07:57 - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By -_- - 29/3/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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Top comments

By pikachurro | 18

#6336296 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:18

Didn't you know squats make your booty nicer?
The wasp just wanted a piece, you can't blame him.

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6336299 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:23

Sounds like mom deserves a glass of wine after those misfortunes !

COMMENTS

By earljonez | 22

#6336292 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:15

I hate wasps

odamaliekh | 26

#6336312 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:52

Cool story.

DFMLharsh | 20

#6336340 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 12:19

You hate em bee-cause they sting?

whycantisignup | 24

#6336400 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 14:32

#17, buzz off

By Domlovesyou1108 | 10

#6336293 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:16

ouch :(

By _awwhellnaw_ | 45

#6336294 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:16

That was a wild ride from beginning to end.

By pikachurro | 18

#6336296 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:18

Didn't you know squats make your booty nicer?
The wasp just wanted a piece, you can't blame him.

sonasonic | 34

#6336319 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 12:03

You don't get a piece by stabbing someone with a poison stinger repeatedly.....

False_Stupidity | 41

#6336634 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 20:57

You don't?
Damn, I've been doing it wrong all this time!

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6338499 - Thursday 2 July 2015 20:54

Sounds like a shitty situation

By StickyPickles | 33

#6336298 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:22

The joys of parenthood. . .

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6336299 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:23

Sounds like mom deserves a glass of wine after those misfortunes !

chinaski7628 | 32

#6336617 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 20:32

Or dad. There's no gender listed, but I know a lot of fathers who take a wasp sting in the ass for their kids. Either way, this parent deserves a reward :)

By Amulyasri | 8

#6336300 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:24

I'm sorry OP. Life was just not letting you have a break.

By zahidnasir | 22

#6336301 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:24

Goodluck mom

By Clapdaddy | 16

#6336303 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:28

Nobody deserves those two problems all at once. Sorry to hear it OP.

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6336307 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:43

Well you have the worst luck ever, sorry OP