Kids: Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As...

By Anonymous - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

Race against the clock

Clean break

By y00na

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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By DarkChild - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By Prinpette - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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By Spraylady - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By isuckatparking. seriously.

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

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By Drew - United States - Great Falls

Today, I discovered that the neck injury that my mom has had since last week was planned just as an excuse not to shovel when today's snowstorm came. She has planned on being lazy for over a week now. FML

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By thanks - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML

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By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

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By Aw522 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By Amy - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

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By Thatkid - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

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By ProudMamma - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

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By lovely-sweet - France

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By Naked and Afraid - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

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By tooembarassed - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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By tiredofcrazy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Bugga2018 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By SisterOfTard - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

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By Bito - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By mental - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

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By Jen__ - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By echo - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

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By Glassjaw - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

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By imnotcrying

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

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By Nominome - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

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Top comments

By pikachurro | 18

#6336296 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:18

Didn't you know squats make your booty nicer?
The wasp just wanted a piece, you can't blame him.

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6336299 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:23

Sounds like mom deserves a glass of wine after those misfortunes !

COMMENTS

By earljonez | 22

#6336292 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:15

I hate wasps

odamaliekh | 26

#6336312 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:52

Cool story.

DFMLharsh | 20

#6336340 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 12:19

You hate em bee-cause they sting?

whycantisignup | 24

#6336400 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 14:32

#17, buzz off

By Domlovesyou1108 | 10

#6336293 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:16

ouch :(

By _awwhellnaw_ | 45

#6336294 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:16

That was a wild ride from beginning to end.

By pikachurro | 18

#6336296 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:18

Didn't you know squats make your booty nicer?
The wasp just wanted a piece, you can't blame him.

sonasonic | 34

#6336319 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 12:03

You don't get a piece by stabbing someone with a poison stinger repeatedly.....

False_Stupidity | 41

#6336634 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 20:57

You don't?
Damn, I've been doing it wrong all this time!

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6338499 - Thursday 2 July 2015 20:54

Sounds like a shitty situation

By StickyPickles | 33

#6336298 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:22

The joys of parenthood. . .

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6336299 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:23

Sounds like mom deserves a glass of wine after those misfortunes !

chinaski7628 | 32

#6336617 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 20:32

Or dad. There's no gender listed, but I know a lot of fathers who take a wasp sting in the ass for their kids. Either way, this parent deserves a reward :)

By Amulyasri | 8

#6336300 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:24

I'm sorry OP. Life was just not letting you have a break.

By zahidnasir | 22

#6336301 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:24

Goodluck mom

By Clapdaddy | 16

#6336303 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:28

Nobody deserves those two problems all at once. Sorry to hear it OP.

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6336307 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 11:43

Well you have the worst luck ever, sorry OP