Love: Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend...

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 877

You deserved it 3 584

Love

Good kid

Own it

Red flag

By Anonymous - 01/09/2012 23:15 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 648

You deserved it 1 963

By fuckerman - 03/05/2009 03:47 - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 524

You deserved it 4 355

By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 256

You deserved it 1 802

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 354

You deserved it 24 167

By Anonymous - 18/04/2019 00:00

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 948

You deserved it 257

By needofmoney - 18/02/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 576

You deserved it 5 062

By 1 Giant Cupcake - 07/03/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some new scratches on the front. I kicked and rubbed it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 740

You deserved it 40 537

By Someguy - 06/06/2011 18:55 - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 846

You deserved it 56 854

By 2pale - 01/11/2015 18:22 - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 373

You deserved it 2 338

Detective work

By Essie - 13/05/2021 22:01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out that my boyfriend lied about not only talking to one other girl, but 5 other girls, and it wasn't just talking, it was wanting to meet up, nudes, sex, getting high together etc.. This has been going on for months, and even when I confronted him about it with evidence, he still denied it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 149

By Paris101 - 22/02/2013 14:51 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 287

You deserved it 3 866

By i suck, this i know :( - 26/07/2013 22:11 - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 109

You deserved it 71 556

By anonymous - 11/02/2012 05:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 876

You deserved it 5 597

By Confused - 13/05/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 534

You deserved it 3 121

Major annoyance

By E.B. - 27/06/2014 00:07 - United States - Grenada

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 894

You deserved it 4 853

By pyrogypsy - 24/10/2014 01:05 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 242

You deserved it 4 600

By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 946

You deserved it 4 337

By Thesuz - 06/09/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 594

You deserved it 3 308

Relief

By Andrew Cab - 06/04/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, our 9-year-old daughter was removed from our home and placed into a home for children too violent to function in a family setting. I can't stop crying but my wife hasn't been this happy in years. She was actually smiling as our daughter was restrained and forced out the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 312

By shinoza - 13/02/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 492

You deserved it 8 354

By justmeagain - 11/12/2018 12:00

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 610

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 23:02 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 604

You deserved it 4 006

Talk to her!

By Anonymoys - 06/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Today my girlfriend actually moved during sex. I love her, but she's so awful in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 350

By Stigmamma - 12/05/2019 04:00

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 232

By Laura - 30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 965

You deserved it 5 355

By GirlinGreen - 30/04/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a four year old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me and that I should go die and never come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 284

You deserved it 18 471

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 683

You deserved it 4 216

By curseyousuperman - 01/04/2015 16:20 - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 782

You deserved it 6 648

By popemichael - 19/06/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 023

You deserved it 44 617

By Jay - 02/08/2010 17:23 - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 634

You deserved it 30 799

Get back here!

By anythingjean - 25/05/2009 21:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 612

You deserved it 9 718

By Blueshock08 - 23/02/2012 07:03 - United States

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 270

You deserved it 3 007

By "deerling" - 18/03/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 878

You deserved it 305

By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 696

You deserved it 3 094

By bethanygirl - 29/10/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 640

You deserved it 5 035

By Nojob - 06/06/2018 09:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 056

You deserved it 185

Boozehound

By not an alchy - 09/05/2021 19:59

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 85

By Alliente - 17/07/2012 21:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 016

You deserved it 3 803

By Anonymous - 14/08/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 304

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 26/03/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 283

You deserved it 2 564

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Top comments

LittlestPrincess 21

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:42

Your resolution for 2013: find a girlfriend who truly deserves you.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:43

May auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind. That's Scottish for "Dump that ho!"

LittlestPrincess 21

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:42

Your resolution for 2013: find a girlfriend who truly deserves you.

desoto96 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 17:31

Biz Markie warned us about this!

rockstar362 8

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 18:44

27-YESSSSS!

WrongRomance 11

Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:04

27- I just logged in solely to thumb up your comment.

TheSmoothDude 10

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:28

"So please listen to the message that I said, don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend" - Biz Markie

superpoptart 24

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:43

Well, fuck. Hoped you dumped her!

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:30

I hope that the guy she was kissing got his midnight kiss.... With a fist.

KyleHolt 7

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:01

I hope you dumped her, gave him a good beat down then got with the prettiest girl at the same party.

heliraptor 13

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 5:23

A kick in the teeth is good for some, a kiss with a fist is better than none.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:43

May auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind. That's Scottish for "Dump that ho!"

amara92_fml 10

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:44

Watta bitch.. you can do better then her dw :)

beachchick9498 5

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:45

Great way to start the new year, huh?

tararochelle 18

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:21

Better to find out now then waste another year with her!!

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:46

Crappy new year!

Trisha_aus 15

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:56

Happy new year to you Pleonasm and the Fml community!

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 17:00

Happy New year to you, Trisha, and everyone else. May everyone's years go off to a better start than some of the OPs that have and will post!

poccocurantes 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 18:53

2013. A new year to let resolutions go unresolved. May all your FMLs be minor and still amuse the he'll out of us.

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:06

MY resolution is to let my resolutions go unresolved..

Paris25_fml 11

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:59

So you want to resolve your unresolved resolutions?

OhzTP 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:56

42: In doing that, you would be resolving this years resolution meaning you would have to resolve a resolution breaching this years resolution. I think im looking into this too much...

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 5:42

Even ['m looking into it to the point of confusion lol..

whostolemylama 12

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:49

That's really fudged up, to kiss someone on the countdown to the next year? That's really romantic, sorry to read that she did that. But at least now you can make a new resolution. Find a better girlfriend. Better to know that your gf was a cheater now than later.

buckdharma 36

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:50

Oh baby you, you got what i need..

Bagel09 11

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 18:25

But you say he's just a friend!!! Biz Markie lol!

Mortoli 30

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Thursday 3 April 2014 4:25

A cheating gf?

DanielleinDC 32

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 16:51

I'm sorry, that really sucks, OP. You should make a resolution to find a girlfriend who won't make out with someone who's "just a friend", and she should make a resolution not to kiss other guys when she has a boyfriend.

Mortoli 30

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Thursday 3 April 2014 4:28

Lol once a slut always a slut my friend. She will continue cheating on her bfs for years to come... Only one thing comes good for the lesson of cheaters.. It makes people understand how much it hurts to cheat and get cheated on.