Love: Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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Proactive

Commando

Overreach

By grovage - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By too bad so sad - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

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By tryscal - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By Mayo

Today, I met one of my favorite fitness models. She told me I need to get in shape. I weigh 150lbs. FML

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By flipnazn - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By Stalked - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

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By Muchacha22 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

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By Anonymous1221

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

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By scumbag i guess - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

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By Arcanin3Boss - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

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By somerandomchick - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By sexyhobbit - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

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By cupcakelady127 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

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By anikah - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By Loot - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

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By Screwed Up - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 12:01 - United States - Longmont

Don't Give Up

Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

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By tima

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I was taking an exam and I knew I was unprepared, so I wrote some cheat notes on my ankle. As I cross my legs to look at my notes, I realize I wore tall boots to class. I can't even cheat properly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

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By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

The wrong end of the stick

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

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By nightxxtime

Today, a guy I'm dating was supposed to come over. He would have if I haven't fell asleep while he was waiting for me to open the door. FML

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By bym5052 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

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By uggghhhh

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By Rach

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By richgirl - United States

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

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By Abby - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

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By nonexistant - United States

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

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Top comments

By LiznessMonster | 9

#1973286 - Sunday 16 January 2011 13:43

(Boyfriend's Log, Entry No. 224)

|Homicide Attempt 1 = Failure, will try again tomorrow.|

"Honey what's that?"

"Um....nothing."

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

COMMENTS

By Asherley | 0

#1972557 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

ouch! D: sorry OP

Reply

novair | 5

#1972584 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

it was.

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1972657 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:56

ROFL!! Ahaha!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#1972684 - Sunday 16 January 2011 10:02

hah, that's a BURN!!!!! are I clever? tee hee!

Reply

darkaqua3498 | 3

#1973024 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:17

omg if it was my bf who did that I'd dump him or not talk to him for a while, or slap him across the face.

Reply

WallyTheWombat | 0

#1973444 - Sunday 16 January 2011 14:26

OP, next time you go down on him, use teeth, I heard he likes that. And when he says he's almost there, stop and don't continue till he agrees to do the dishes for a month.

Reply

Alanah101 | 0

#1975123 - Monday 17 January 2011 2:27

How funny. I like the suggestion #46.

By BigEV | 0

#1972559 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

Well, I don't think you would have caused a scene in front of the guests anyway.

Reply

percawesome | 0

#1973119 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:44

Well, isn't that just the icing on the cake?

Reply

flybye | 0

#1973137 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:50

Nailed it!!!

Reply

talktomandybaby | 8

#1983071 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 20:22

42, winn

By IcyHell | 0

#1972570 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:36

He should have filmed it.

Reply

cali4eva | 12

#4023112 - Sunday 12 February 2012 1:37

She could get seriously injured!

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

By XxKyttixX | 0

#1972597 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

Damn ow! I can't imagine what he was thinking, in what universe would that be a good idea?

By Ace_of_Diamonds | 0

#1972604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:42

Bet he has shoved that face somewhere else to. That sucks though that he'd do that.

By emoooze | 0

#1972611 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

bullshit

Reply

scottovious | 0

#1972651 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:55

I agree completely.

By xStarKillerx | 4

#1972614 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

How else was he going to put the candles out?

By hellokimmiee | 5

#1972633 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:47

the real problem is, how old are you? the older you are, the more i feel sorry for the burn :)

By bman134 | 0

#1972645 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:54

well he was right