Love: Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 888

You deserved it 3 674

Empathy lives

Vulture

Broken heart

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Spicy

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 103

You deserved it 4 853

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 517

You deserved it 4 649

By geniusdrunk - 09/08/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 678

Let it all hang out

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 78

By Hopeless - 12/07/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 465

You deserved it 3 577

By Vlad - 24/12/2018 14:00

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 965

You deserved it 367

Bathroom break

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 303

You deserved it 8 221

What?

By Anonymous - 23/07/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 110

Trauma

By SkipLegDay - 03/08/2016 08:48 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 348

You deserved it 3 270

Uber sister

By Aerogal - 30/11/2020 17:01

Today, I took my sister to the airport, after she asked me to a week ago. Five minutes into the ride, she told me she wasn’t going to the one 20 minutes away, but the one an hour away instead and gave me no gas money. FM

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 156

And today, on Dr Phil…

By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

Spicy

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 573

You deserved it 4 265

By BigHelp - 08/07/2015 00:52 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 957

You deserved it 4 470

By Anonymous - 28/06/2019 16:03

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 489

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 20:01 - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 544

You deserved it 5 095

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 05:12 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 046

You deserved it 2 721

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 18:17 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 502

You deserved it 32 345

By Anonymous - 06/08/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 214

You deserved it 9 753

By Shampoodle - 11/10/2017 21:45

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 317

You deserved it 384

By lahiros - 30/05/2014 22:05 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Spicy

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 469

You deserved it 7 509

By Nxydolli - 29/04/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 128

You deserved it 56 303

By Blondie - 23/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 233

You deserved it 92 705

Out of the frying pan

By TimeWasted - 22/09/2020 14:04 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 09/11/2014 18:23

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 445

You deserved it 5 487

Caught in 4K

By Evil_Egbert - 12/02/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 874

You deserved it 54 185

By Klamp18 - 20/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 992

You deserved it 54 135

By anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 122

You deserved it 4 049

By moosemay - 02/04/2013 15:04 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 566

You deserved it 4 375

By tireedddddd - 25/11/2011 16:24 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 049

You deserved it 2 473

By Anonymous - 04/03/2017 00:00

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 236

You deserved it 565

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 330

You deserved it 882

By Anonymous - 08/12/2011 11:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 550

You deserved it 8 326

By thanksbro - 28/09/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 772

You deserved it 20 524

By AlienZ - 12/04/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 200

You deserved it 43 929

By koalaburr - 28/04/2015 15:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 099

You deserved it 3 194

By Grossed Out - 13/03/2010 10:35 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 744

You deserved it 2 780

By mynameisarmpit - 15/11/2010 06:48

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 666

You deserved it 4 661

By Discouraged - 31/05/2012 12:43 - United States - Rockville

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 857

You deserved it 2 634

By chippuh - 26/04/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 754

You deserved it 3 104

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Spicy

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 752

You deserved it 12 301

By n - 04/04/2015 18:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 057

You deserved it 3 478

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Top comments

LiznessMonster 9

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Sunday 16 January 2011 13:43

(Boyfriend's Log, Entry No. 224) |Homicide Attempt 1 = Failure, will try again tomorrow.| "Honey what's that?" "Um....nothing."

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

Comments

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

ouch! D: sorry OP

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

it was.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:56

ROFL!! Ahaha!

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Sunday 16 January 2011 10:02

hah, that's a BURN!!!!! are I clever? tee hee!

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Sunday 16 January 2011 12:17

omg if it was my bf who did that I'd dump him or not talk to him for a while, or slap him across the face.

WallyTheWombat 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 14:26

OP, next time you go down on him, use teeth, I heard he likes that. And when he says he's almost there, stop and don't continue till he agrees to do the dishes for a month.

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Monday 17 January 2011 2:27

How funny. I like the suggestion #46.

BigEV 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

Well, I don't think you would have caused a scene in front of the guests anyway.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 12:44

Well, isn't that just the icing on the cake?

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Sunday 16 January 2011 12:50

Nailed it!!!

talktomandybaby 8

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Tuesday 18 January 2011 20:22

42, winn

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:36

He should have filmed it.

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Sunday 12 February 2012 1:37

She could get seriously injured!

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

Damn ow! I can't imagine what he was thinking, in what universe would that be a good idea?

Ace_of_Diamonds 0

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:42

Bet he has shoved that face somewhere else to. That sucks though that he'd do that.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

bullshit

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:55

I agree completely.

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

How else was he going to put the candles out?

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:47

the real problem is, how old are you? the older you are, the more i feel sorry for the burn :)

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Sunday 16 January 2011 9:54

well he was right

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 30

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 197