Love: Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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Serious times

Fresh air

"Based on your purchase history…"

By inder - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By burn in hell - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 11:09

The old switcheroo

Today, I was supposed to close on a house. Unfortunately, our lender decided that they couldn't finance us and denied us a loan, after 3 months of us digging up paperwork, saving money, and packing. Now we have to scramble to find a new place, while our insane landlady screams at us. FML

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By thefrightening1 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By sweetnan - Chile - Santiago

Nice, thanks

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By GLHan - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Business is business

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

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By What’sGoingOn

Awkward...

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverview

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

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By LemmyIsWet - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

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By jackskellington - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad; he's been dead for 5 years. FML

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By aroman2312 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By Morrowindwhore - United Kingdom

Today, a friend of mine was talking about how he'd spent over 30 hours on Call of Duty. I piped up and said "Oh yeah! Well I've spent well over 300 hours on Morrowind! Beat that!" To which he replied, "I've had sex. Beat that!" I couldn't. FML

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By LimpMcgee - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 23:02

Is this a joke?

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

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By Anonymous

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By unlucky - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By thatisnotcool45 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

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By screwed - Chile

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

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By KittyKat168 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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By Sucks2beme

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

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By Eddie - 7/3/2021 23:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

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By deeenalynn - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By hikingtospace - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

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Top comments

By LiznessMonster | 9

#1973286 - Sunday 16 January 2011 13:43

(Boyfriend's Log, Entry No. 224)

|Homicide Attempt 1 = Failure, will try again tomorrow.|

"Honey what's that?"

"Um....nothing."

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

COMMENTS

By Asherley | 0

#1972557 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

ouch! D: sorry OP

Reply

novair | 5

#1972584 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

it was.

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1972657 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:56

ROFL!! Ahaha!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#1972684 - Sunday 16 January 2011 10:02

hah, that's a BURN!!!!! are I clever? tee hee!

Reply

darkaqua3498 | 3

#1973024 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:17

omg if it was my bf who did that I'd dump him or not talk to him for a while, or slap him across the face.

Reply

WallyTheWombat | 0

#1973444 - Sunday 16 January 2011 14:26

OP, next time you go down on him, use teeth, I heard he likes that. And when he says he's almost there, stop and don't continue till he agrees to do the dishes for a month.

Reply

Alanah101 | 0

#1975123 - Monday 17 January 2011 2:27

How funny. I like the suggestion #46.

By BigEV | 0

#1972559 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

Well, I don't think you would have caused a scene in front of the guests anyway.

Reply

percawesome | 0

#1973119 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:44

Well, isn't that just the icing on the cake?

Reply

flybye | 0

#1973137 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:50

Nailed it!!!

Reply

talktomandybaby | 8

#1983071 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 20:22

42, winn

By IcyHell | 0

#1972570 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:36

He should have filmed it.

Reply

cali4eva | 12

#4023112 - Sunday 12 February 2012 1:37

She could get seriously injured!

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

By XxKyttixX | 0

#1972597 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

Damn ow! I can't imagine what he was thinking, in what universe would that be a good idea?

By Ace_of_Diamonds | 0

#1972604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:42

Bet he has shoved that face somewhere else to. That sucks though that he'd do that.

By emoooze | 0

#1972611 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

bullshit

Reply

scottovious | 0

#1972651 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:55

I agree completely.

By xStarKillerx | 4

#1972614 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

How else was he going to put the candles out?

By hellokimmiee | 5

#1972633 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:47

the real problem is, how old are you? the older you are, the more i feel sorry for the burn :)

By bman134 | 0

#1972645 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:54

well he was right