Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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Family values

Double standards

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By Lio - 12/11/2008 05:25 - France

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 14:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Jade - 15/10/2016 11:22 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

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By anonymous - 1/6/2009 07:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By feeling fed up - 25/4/2017 17:00 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, I spent hundreds of pounds buying my best friend concert tickets to see our favourite band, complete with a meet and greet. I drove over very excited to pick her up to take her. She had already left. With her boyfriend. FML

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By nobffs - 1/1/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

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By Bittersweet - 7/7/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By tickdog - 19/3/2012 03:09 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I got my dog back from my aunt. Rather than taking him to an actual groomer, I gave him to my aunt because she needed a few extra bucks. My generosity lost me $35, and gave my dog ticks and a bad haircut. FML

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By nojob - 7/5/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By Aaron Lewis - 7/7/2012 05:01 - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

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By 0h_Boy - 20/4/2016 20:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 15:40 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By helprelou - 29/6/2016 22:12 - France - La Chevroli?re

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 22:01

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 5/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By crazycutie1027 - 14/2/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was crying after having argued with my boyfriend. My mom saw me, she asked "Why are you crying? Don't you have homework to do?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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By faceless_sailor8 - 31/8/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 20/12/2013 08:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

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By cheersdaddy - 8/6/2011 14:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 06:24

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

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By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By Till We Pass Out - 3/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - 9/12/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By Ophelia - 8/6/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

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By HeartToFart - 8/7/2014 23:37 - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2015 02:41 - Australia

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

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By southernpride93 - 18/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 16:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

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By thankful - 27/11/2018 22:00

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By rain - 1/6/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By vey - 8/2/2014 22:14 - China - Beijing

Today, and for the third time this week, I found a pubic hair in my soup. I'm currently bed-ridden and can't afford to piss off my boyfriend by complaining. FML

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Top comments

By LiznessMonster | 9

#1973286 - Sunday 16 January 2011 13:43

(Boyfriend's Log, Entry No. 224)

|Homicide Attempt 1 = Failure, will try again tomorrow.|

"Honey what's that?"

"Um....nothing."

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

Comments

By Asherley | 0

#1972557 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

ouch! D: sorry OP

Reply

novair | 5

#1972584 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

it was.

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1972657 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:56

ROFL!! Ahaha!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#1972684 - Sunday 16 January 2011 10:02

hah, that's a BURN!!!!! are I clever? tee hee!

Reply

darkaqua3498 | 3

#1973024 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:17

omg if it was my bf who did that I'd dump him or not talk to him for a while, or slap him across the face.

Reply

WallyTheWombat | 0

#1973444 - Sunday 16 January 2011 14:26

OP, next time you go down on him, use teeth, I heard he likes that. And when he says he's almost there, stop and don't continue till he agrees to do the dishes for a month.

Reply

Alanah101 | 0

#1975123 - Monday 17 January 2011 2:27

How funny. I like the suggestion #46.

By BigEV | 0

#1972559 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:33

Well, I don't think you would have caused a scene in front of the guests anyway.

Reply

percawesome | 0

#1973119 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:44

Well, isn't that just the icing on the cake?

Reply

flybye | 0

#1973137 - Sunday 16 January 2011 12:50

Nailed it!!!

Reply

talktomandybaby | 8

#1983071 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 20:22

42, winn

By IcyHell | 0

#1972570 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:36

He should have filmed it.

Reply

cali4eva | 12

#4023112 - Sunday 12 February 2012 1:37

She could get seriously injured!

By k3rslc | 0

#1972576 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:38

OUCH, how smart of him. Hope you didn't have burns. :S
Btw. Was the cake good anyway? Happy Birthday. LOL.

By XxKyttixX | 0

#1972597 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:41

Damn ow! I can't imagine what he was thinking, in what universe would that be a good idea?

By Ace_of_Diamonds | 0

#1972604 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:42

Bet he has shoved that face somewhere else to. That sucks though that he'd do that.

By emoooze | 0

#1972611 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

bullshit

Reply

scottovious | 0

#1972651 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:55

I agree completely.

By xStarKillerx | 4

#1972614 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:44

How else was he going to put the candles out?

By hellokimmiee | 5

#1972633 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:47

the real problem is, how old are you? the older you are, the more i feel sorry for the burn :)

By bman134 | 0

#1972645 - Sunday 16 January 2011 9:54

well he was right