By whatislife1969

Baby don't hurt me...

Today, my friends got me a cake for my birthday. As I blew out the candles, they shoved my head into it and I was knocked out for 3 minutes before an ambulance took me to the hospital. I got a concussion from a cake. FML

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3464

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Health

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Freshman blues

By dumped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34269

You deserved it

3177

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7154

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54467

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By GaymerLink

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3027

You deserved it

145

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By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34864

You deserved it

3250

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By naughtytwinsisters - Philippines

Today, our boss asked us out to lunch and told us to choose wherever we wanted to eat. Thinking that she’d be paying for it, we chose a pricey seafood restaurant. When we'd eaten, she told us that we could pay her back later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18608

You deserved it

33286

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By Quortney - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27510

You deserved it

3048

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By flaggurl - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52959

You deserved it

12177

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By HotCurry - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50041

You deserved it

3503

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By firecrotch - United States

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13760

You deserved it

35339

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27166

You deserved it

2969

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By Olive14

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22993

You deserved it

7315

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22328

You deserved it

2159

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By Klamp18 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10986

You deserved it

54086

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30695

You deserved it

4065

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By joolsie - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13209

You deserved it

31835

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By flatfoot - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32167

You deserved it

3000

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36171

You deserved it

3761

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was raining heavily. I saw a large puddle by the edge of the road near with a passing lady. Thinking it would be funny to splash her, I swerved to hit the puddle. The puddle was deeper than I thought. I lost control of the car, spun out, and hit two parked cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15305

You deserved it

254885

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By "Lifefail887"

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3841

You deserved it

2314

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By leeseyxoxo - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44037

You deserved it

5170

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By Korisite - United States

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45995

You deserved it

24895

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30593

You deserved it

14571

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By kukadaman - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34490

You deserved it

2370

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 02:02

Two sides to every story

Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1797

You deserved it

119

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By yeah - United States

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14696

You deserved it

27641

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By Cam - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8197

You deserved it

43615

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By greatstartto2010 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27493

You deserved it

2532

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By Merlin - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34548

You deserved it

2316

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8397

You deserved it

655

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By Cathy - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

34690

You deserved it

4885

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on a bus. When I awoke suddenly, half of the bus was staring at me, with some people chuckling and smiling. I have no idea what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46909

You deserved it

5337

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By Anonymous - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43464

You deserved it

3873

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Bittie

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1523

You deserved it

141

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By plaid_is_cool - 5/5/2020 05:00

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1406

You deserved it

199

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By foreveravirgin - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30583

You deserved it

7256

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By Noname - United States

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37649

You deserved it

3091

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36947

You deserved it

61110

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

264888

You deserved it

35327

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By Anonymous - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28017

You deserved it

2581

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23070

You deserved it

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Top comments

By SpaceToast | 24

#7538713 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:18

No, you got a concussion from your "friends." Don't blame the cake.

By user53658 | 15

#7538412 - Thursday 7 September 2017 10:26

Nice 'friends' ...

COMMENTS

By BeautifulMine | 16

#7538353 - Thursday 7 September 2017 6:00

musta been one hard cake

gobiteme2 | 34

#7539077 - Friday 8 September 2017 22:13

Wasn't the cake, it was the icing on it.

core01 | 30

#7539169 - Saturday 9 September 2017 5:06

It was Marble cake. Ha!

By user53658 | 15

#7538412 - Thursday 7 September 2017 10:26

Nice 'friends' ...

By SpaceToast | 24

#7538713 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:18

No, you got a concussion from your "friends." Don't blame the cake.

By J352SAURUS | 30

#7538719 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:27

Nothing says "happy birthday" like getting stabbed in the face by your own birthday cake and candles.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7538720 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:28

What was in that cake?

Sinshine | 27

#7538756 - Friday 8 September 2017 8:20

A table below it.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7538723 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:37

Where I'm from there's a saying that roughly translated means "When you have friends like this, you don't need no enenies"

By WeirdUS | 29

#7538724 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:38

I don't get this whole push someone's head into a cake thing. Cakes are meant to be eaten, would anyone want a slice after that? Also your friends are assholes why would do that hard enough that you hit the table?