Money: Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a... - FML

By an idiot - 16/02/2013 18:03 - Australia

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 927

You deserved it 7 789

Late term

Taking stock

Sing me to sleep

What a massive clock

By Rhianna - 22/11/2009 04:05 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year-old clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 376

You deserved it 7 659

By GEE, THANKS DAD - 28/09/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 333

You deserved it 8 424

By bonesniffer - 16/09/2010 05:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 628

You deserved it 6 005

Mommy dearest

By Ohkourt - 20/04/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 97

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 693

You deserved it 4 897

By FirstDaddy - 16/06/2014 21:38 - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 189

You deserved it 4 453

By fucking moron - 09/12/2014 09:39 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 191

You deserved it 2 849

By Hahapasdroleleptit - 10/05/2011 14:56 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 951

You deserved it 5 905

By NJ - 24/01/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 066

You deserved it 2 413

By pandaface - 18/02/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 609

You deserved it 5 775

By hmmmm - 13/08/2012 12:19 - Australia

Spicy

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 161

You deserved it 5 443

By Anonymous - 06/06/2012 12:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 903

You deserved it 2 317

Hello?

By Anonymous - 16/01/2021 04:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 81

By johnnyfuckfacer - 18/10/2012 19:40 - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 921

You deserved it 2 244

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 271

You deserved it 79 562

By lyinginbed - 04/06/2016 19:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 247

You deserved it 1 162

By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 101

You deserved it 30 369

By Anonymous - 08/03/2010 00:44 - Australia

Today, I was listening to a client's heartbeat with a stethoscope, when I noticed one of my hairs had fallen on her chest. I tried to brush it off, but it didn't move, so I went to pick it up with my fingers. That's when I found it it wasn't my hair, it was hers... and it was still attached. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 155

You deserved it 5 965

By jam - 11/02/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 536

You deserved it 7 714

By ... - 29/12/2010 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 398

You deserved it 3 382

By kb123 - 05/05/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 339

By laurraaa - 11/07/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, I received 7 notifications on facebook. Girls in my grade were commenting on my photo because they knew the location of it. They then started to have a conversation and they planned a whole social event. On my photo. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 401

You deserved it 4 330

By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 425

You deserved it 10 344

Birth certificate

By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 372

You deserved it 40 476

By That_Indian_Guy - 15/11/2014 13:25 - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 861

You deserved it 9 415

I keep mine hidden

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 20:00

Today, while my girlfriend is in hospital, I'm left at home with her mom. What I didn't know is that her mom's medication makes her do strange things. I learned that right away when she took a seat next to me, completely naked, on the couch. My girlfriend's mom is my grandmother's age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 100

By fired tomoz - 29/10/2014 15:46 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 718

You deserved it 2 994

Gangsta

By Wolf - 07/11/2018 15:30

Today, I went to my local bank after getting an email from them concerning unknown purchases. Four hours later, I was still in police custody. Someone had been using my account to purchase guns and drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 063

You deserved it 137

By Becca - 11/04/2012 03:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 601

You deserved it 27 062

By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 993

You deserved it 3 553

By bubblezzz123 - 04/09/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 302

You deserved it 5 691

By anonymous - 06/11/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 634

You deserved it 45 552

By idated a moron - 10/06/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 586

You deserved it 270

By worried - 01/04/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 332

You deserved it 8 452

Uber Thiefs

By lukey101 - 12/03/2021 02:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my Uber passenger stole one of the rear floor mats out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 72

Kids and their wacky crazes

By tclwj - 06/09/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 187

Simping

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 11:29 - India - Bangalore

Today, my girlfriend moved to Germany for her Master's degree and perhaps a PhD. I'm still stuck in this third world mess which we call India. I simped for her and agreed that she can have non-serious relationships with other men. I'm so broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 1 061

By sorenips - 03/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 3 828

By cydia123 - 10/05/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 22:01 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 117

You deserved it 61 156

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Top comments

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:43

I wouldn't even bother with his bail. I'd go for a visit, but I wouldn't bail my own brother out of jail for something especially like that.

untouchable763 10

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:44

Wedding Crashing has become more extreme these days eh.

Comments

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:43

I wouldn't even bother with his bail. I'd go for a visit, but I wouldn't bail my own brother out of jail for something especially like that.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:54

Why even bother visiting..

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:08

To laugh at him.

oj101 33

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Sunday 17 February 2013 5:31

#1 - Isaiah 55:6-7 “Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. Lol, just kidding. His dumb ass should stay right there in jail, where it belongs. He's sure to find a sexual partner easily.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 9:45

Exactly, every time OP bails him out, he is just encouraged to do it again.

xx000o 27

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Sunday 17 February 2013 11:11

OP probably eats the bail money too.

untouchable763 10

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:44

Wedding Crashing has become more extreme these days eh.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:46

It's the sequel: "Funeral Crashers"

biggestfan23 11

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:47

#40 you haven't seen the end of Wedding Crashers have you?

oj101 33

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Sunday 17 February 2013 5:27

I actually had no idea that people even did these things in real life. Minus 200 points for faith in humanity. Which means we still are at negative infinity.

oj101 33

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:21

#57 - By the looks of things, your gaping hole of a mouth. Ribbet.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 20:58

41- Only seen parts of it, still gotta get around to watching the whole movie.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:45

Will Ferrel is a bad influence.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:47

Will Ferrell is a bad influence.*

netsirkylime2 9

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:51

I totally forgot about that movie... Hahaha

upsidedownfrownn 5

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 2:00

That pizza looks delicious... Mmmm

BubbleGrunge 18

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:48

What kinda cum guzzel crashes a funeral?

LO388 7

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:49

Chaz.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:55

West Baptist church

GothickNihilist 15

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:17

OPs brother.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:21

12 It's Westboro Baptist.. And they're worse than cum guzzlers..

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:52

Those freaking sperm dumpsters.

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 17 February 2013 11:13

With sperm guzzlers, they'll actually make you feel relieved after you've left them. Those people in Westboro on the other hand are a blight to Christianity and the entire human race. When the KKK hates you and you, too, are white, there's something definitely wrong. No, I'm not talking about interracial couples, either.

GothickNihilist 15

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:51

I think people who take advantage of others during a time of bereavement are despicable. The fact that you bailed your asscandle of a brother out is a YDI. I hope your brother matures and realizes, that his behaviour is completely inappropriate. Next time don't bail him out, let him learn the consequences of his actions.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 21:12

Asscandle? Really bro?! Really!

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Sunday 12 July 2015 2:11

97- Your photo is essentially nothing but your tits and you think the word asscandle is an issue?

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:51

I would leave his ass in jail for being a prick.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:52

He sounds like a tool.. Ruin his chances if he ever brings home any girls from said funerals by trashing his reputation.

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Sunday 17 February 2013 15:05

I'm pretty sure that OP's brother does not need any help in trashing his reputation as he is doing a fine job of it himself.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:55

I would make him apologize to the mourners and make him pay you back the bail money.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:56

Has he been watching the show "Misfits"?

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Sunday 17 February 2013 4:39

RUDY.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 5:53

i think he watched weddling crashers

SweetasCandy0609 28

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Sunday 17 February 2013 3:59

I get that he's you're brother but he needs to take responsibility for what he did you should of just left him in there to think about what he did to put himself in there in their first place.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 44