Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother...

By ambled - 24/12/2011 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Fear factor

Compassion

By ANON - 13/8/2013 23:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

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By MBrabs1996 - 19/12/2018 05:00

Today, despite the schedule saying I was off, I found out I’m supposed to be working because my boss changed the schedule without my knowledge. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

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By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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By :/ - 3/12/2012 01:57 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By familyofpsychos - 26/10/2012 04:38 - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

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By nocat6 - 15/9/2014 03:07 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

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By mintyfresh - 29/10/2009 02:54 - United States

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

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By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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By thanksfamily - 18/9/2012 11:22 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By Malakai - 2/2/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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By sadcartoons - 12/2/2011 18:57 - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By MakeMeASandwich - 10/6/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

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By Less Friendship, More Cash - 6/5/2016 11:54 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I realized one of my best friends was only friends with me because I would take her shopping, spoil her regularly, and help her out financially. She moved to another province and only contacted me whenever she wanted money. After I refused a couple of times, she deleted me on Facebook. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Mia - 20/8/2014 06:07 - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

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By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

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By ugly - 3/9/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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By thehaystackerine - 1/3/2020 12:00

Asshole Design

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

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By apparently_disabled - 17/4/2015 06:24 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By Jamie - 11/11/2018 05:00 - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By breathexali - 24/7/2010 10:50 - United States

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

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By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By Sisterly Love - 2/1/2015 05:37 - United States - Saline

Today, my sister compared me handling the news of recently being told that I have a devastating and very possibly fatal autoimmune disease, to that of a teenager being melodramatic. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML

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By fuck you, boss - 21/12/2013 00:30 - United States

Today, my boss scolded me for being too friendly to our customers and told me to back off and let them do their thing. Less than an hour after doing as he said, he scolded me again, this time for slacking off and not asking them if they needed help finding stuff. There goes my bonus. FML

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By :'( - 9/9/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

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By AnDroidZ_BabY - 11/9/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML

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By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By Chicagoillinois - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By MM - 21/1/2014 23:26 - United States - Saco

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By Macdaddy - 5/12/2008 12:49 - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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By observant - 15/5/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

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By fuckedup - 13/11/2009 19:13 - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By spiderwoman - 4/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By AD240Z - 16/12/2016 11:39

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

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Top comments

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

Comments

By MattRoseen | 12

#3783401 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

Sounds like a great car ride!

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

PeeblesWiggins | 0

#3783482 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

"'Cause you're hot when you're cold.."

msjoyfull84 | 0

#3783485 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

In the trunk she goes.

derpster | 7

#3783522 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

why throw her in the trunk when you can tie her underneath the car?

rallets | 22

#3783666 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:33

"change the station, this song is too hot"

sugarandspice33 | 0

#3784905 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:00

2- your picture is so cute!

brittneylove | 0

#3785060 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:46

Lol.(:

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

Justin23L | 2

#3786206 - Sunday 25 December 2011 13:45

YouTube gold requires cute kittens

shawnabuchanand | 0

#3787101 - Sunday 25 December 2011 19:54

looks lyk a piece of dook with hair on it

By tellithowitis | 13

#3783414 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Throw her out of the car in some random place. Problem solved

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#3783420 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Maybe it's just me, but as drunken stepmothers go, thats kinda boring.

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3783436 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:56

"This song sucks! It just goes whooooooosh! Where's the catchy hook?"

SillyFart | 7

#3783621 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:27

I see what ya did there ya pirate!

By flockz | 19

#3783462 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:59

"this song is so hot!! makes me want to take my clothes off!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3783801 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:59

*Sees child-sized penis*

flockz | 19

#3783888 - Sunday 25 December 2011 2:24

*points and laughs at child size penis*

*realizes mocked penis is larger than own*

fancyclown | 9

#3784849 - Sunday 25 December 2011 4:44

*looks in pants*
*tear trails down cheek*
*rides horse into sunset*

maddylovesu | 5

#3785100 - Sunday 25 December 2011 6:05

*awkwardly stares at a bunch of exposed tiny dicks*

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3785285 - Sunday 25 December 2011 7:23

50-Too small for my crew at least.

graham11 | 14

#3786260 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:11

Anyone notice gurggle deleted his account? I feel accomplished actually!!

maddylovesu | 5

#3804774 - Thursday 29 December 2011 21:42

*covers eyes*

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3783483 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

She must not think you are hot enough to be her "daughter.." ANYWAYS you only have to deal with it once, it's more like F your dads life

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#3784565 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:16

(Agrees with ColtsDoug18. Sitting with a ranting drunk once isn't so much fyl for you as for daddy)

By rttr | 18

#3783507 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:09

Thats pretty funny, welcome to the favorites page.

By perdix | 29

#3783520 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

Max defrost with recirculated air still sounds better than Rebecca Black.

nixter5 | 18

#3784524 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:06

And nails on a chalkboard.

rallets | 22

#3785779 - Sunday 25 December 2011 10:02

and your mom

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE | 9

#3786328 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:48

Yes, because your mother definitely sounds much better than all of the above. You make a great point.

rallets | 22

#3788481 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:40

thank you