Miscellaneous: Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother...

By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

I'll get right on it, chief

The X Factor

By blondie - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

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22989

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

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50559

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By Chris Bores - 20/11/2020 08:03 - United States - Prince Frederick

That's what a druggie would claim

Today, my family staged an intervention and demanded I go to rehab. Why? My mom found 'drug papers' in my car. It was a receipt from a routine drug screen for my job. It was also over two year- old. FML

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939

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By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

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893

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By Anonymous

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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1687

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By Taylor - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

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By lolgarbl - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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By Oja1 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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33457

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By Spiller - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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10304

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By Pantess at work - 30/3/2021 16:00 - United States

Ripper

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML

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794

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110

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By what - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By gir - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

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34479

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 05:59

One Shall Stand, One Shall Fall!

Today, my husband pre-ordered $500 worth of Transformers figures. We're supposed to be trying to save up for a house. FML

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860

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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40403

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By Fag_Hag - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

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37284

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By Cyberdeeder

Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

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75036

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20237

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By Sick As Hell - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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15948

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1926

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By GildedByVices - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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6318

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By Sios - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

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20894

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By seadrick - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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26713

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By anon_1996 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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45681

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By firewait - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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16511

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By ruvru - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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56607

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By baconlady - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20681

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By TicketMePink - United States

Today, an officer ticketed me for texting while driving. Apparently, getting dumped costs $180. FML

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8395

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21060

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

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8187

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44913

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By AnnoyedandAutistic

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2788

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521

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By peniswoman - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

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53924

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By BadGirlfriend12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

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41323

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By nick - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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20276

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Fact of scratching

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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3281

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281

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 01:08 - United States - Irving

Creepy

Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML

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1194

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By Asian - United States - Clover

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

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22845

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1853

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By thicklysettled - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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57432

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

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18561

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1919

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By FellingShitty - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34407

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By ouch - United States

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31548

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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8531

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Top comments

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

COMMENTS

By MattRoseen | 12

#3783401 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

Sounds like a great car ride!

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

PeeblesWiggins | 0

#3783482 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

"'Cause you're hot when you're cold.."

msjoyfull84 | 0

#3783485 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

In the trunk she goes.

derpster | 7

#3783522 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

why throw her in the trunk when you can tie her underneath the car?

rallets | 22

#3783666 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:33

"change the station, this song is too hot"

sugarandspice33 | 0

#3784905 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:00

2- your picture is so cute!

brittneylove | 0

#3785060 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:46

Lol.(:

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

Justin23L | 2

#3786206 - Sunday 25 December 2011 13:45

YouTube gold requires cute kittens

shawnabuchanand | 0

#3787101 - Sunday 25 December 2011 19:54

looks lyk a piece of dook with hair on it

By tellithowitis | 13

#3783414 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Throw her out of the car in some random place. Problem solved

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#3783420 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Maybe it's just me, but as drunken stepmothers go, thats kinda boring.

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3783436 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:56

"This song sucks! It just goes whooooooosh! Where's the catchy hook?"

SillyFart | 7

#3783621 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:27

I see what ya did there ya pirate!

By flockz | 19

#3783462 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:59

"this song is so hot!! makes me want to take my clothes off!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3783801 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:59

*Sees child-sized penis*

flockz | 19

#3783888 - Sunday 25 December 2011 2:24

*points and laughs at child size penis*

*realizes mocked penis is larger than own*

fancyclown | 9

#3784849 - Sunday 25 December 2011 4:44

*looks in pants*
*tear trails down cheek*
*rides horse into sunset*

maddylovesu | 5

#3785100 - Sunday 25 December 2011 6:05

*awkwardly stares at a bunch of exposed tiny dicks*

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3785285 - Sunday 25 December 2011 7:23

50-Too small for my crew at least.

graham11 | 14

#3786260 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:11

Anyone notice gurggle deleted his account? I feel accomplished actually!!

maddylovesu | 5

#3804774 - Thursday 29 December 2011 21:42

*covers eyes*

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3783483 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

She must not think you are hot enough to be her "daughter.." ANYWAYS you only have to deal with it once, it's more like F your dads life

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#3784565 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:16

(Agrees with ColtsDoug18. Sitting with a ranting drunk once isn't so much fyl for you as for daddy)

By rttr | 18

#3783507 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:09

Thats pretty funny, welcome to the favorites page.

By perdix | 29

#3783520 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

Max defrost with recirculated air still sounds better than Rebecca Black.

nixter5 | 18

#3784524 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:06

And nails on a chalkboard.

rallets | 22

#3785779 - Sunday 25 December 2011 10:02

and your mom

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE | 9

#3786328 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:48

Yes, because your mother definitely sounds much better than all of the above. You make a great point.

rallets | 22

#3788481 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:40

thank you