Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother...

By ambled - 24/12/2011 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Thanks, I'm cured!

KoBabe

By mog - 7/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

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By melmel - 5/5/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By why?? - 24/5/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 07:25 - United States

Mean girls

Today, I watched our presidential candidates face off like high school girls with the whole world watching. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 19:54 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By someone - 9/12/2013 12:59 - United States - Mogadore

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

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By anonymous - 24/2/2015 11:50 - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

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By Lou - 21/12/2018 18:00

I chose 2 children to buy Christmas for from the local crisis center. Delivered the gifts to the designated spot. Receive a message on fb 4 days later asking when I will be dropping off my toys. Seems they’ve been misplaced. Merry Christmas to all.

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By Fat Dad - 3/3/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

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By roadbikemama - 25/10/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

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By GiveMeCake - 2/12/2018 22:00

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By princessrose - 16/11/2016 11:05

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 22:41 - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

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By NoName - 3/12/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 06:11

Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Congrats to me - 24/5/2014 23:57 - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By annonn - 24/3/2016 11:11 - Brunei Darussalam - Bandar Seri Begawan

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 11:58 - Germany - Paderborn

Today, I asked my boyfriend to go to the airport with me, to see me off for my three-month stay abroad. He said no because the two-hour drive is "too boring". FML

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By tomtomcutiepoof - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

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By redmethod87 - 8/4/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

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By PiaNO - 10/11/2009 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By katrina2d - 27/1/2015 05:43 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By onehundredpercenteffed - 14/8/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

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By BlueSuit - 14/2/2016 19:20 - United States - New York

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

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By Ape - 17/12/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By daddy-to-be - 20/3/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

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By Alex - 15/8/2011 04:16 - New Zealand

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

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By blacksheep - 15/1/2017 16:00

Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML

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By gjh - 19/1/2009 03:20 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By me - 12/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By Seriously? - 9/3/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

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Top comments

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

COMMENTS

By MattRoseen | 12

#3783401 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

Sounds like a great car ride!

By chahacha599 | 0

#3783406 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:50

In the back she goes

PeeblesWiggins | 0

#3783482 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

"'Cause you're hot when you're cold.."

msjoyfull84 | 0

#3783485 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

In the trunk she goes.

derpster | 7

#3783522 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

why throw her in the trunk when you can tie her underneath the car?

rallets | 22

#3783666 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:33

"change the station, this song is too hot"

sugarandspice33 | 0

#3784905 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:00

2- your picture is so cute!

brittneylove | 0

#3785060 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:46

Lol.(:

By tylersign | 11

#3783411 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:52

"Why is it getting louder when it's getting hotter...?!?!? I don't understand technology these days."
I'd record that. YouTube gold.

Justin23L | 2

#3786206 - Sunday 25 December 2011 13:45

YouTube gold requires cute kittens

shawnabuchanand | 0

#3787101 - Sunday 25 December 2011 19:54

looks lyk a piece of dook with hair on it

By tellithowitis | 13

#3783414 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Throw her out of the car in some random place. Problem solved

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#3783420 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:53

Maybe it's just me, but as drunken stepmothers go, thats kinda boring.

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3783436 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:56

"This song sucks! It just goes whooooooosh! Where's the catchy hook?"

SillyFart | 7

#3783621 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:27

I see what ya did there ya pirate!

By flockz | 19

#3783462 - Sunday 25 December 2011 0:59

"this song is so hot!! makes me want to take my clothes off!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3783801 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:59

*Sees child-sized penis*

flockz | 19

#3783888 - Sunday 25 December 2011 2:24

*points and laughs at child size penis*

*realizes mocked penis is larger than own*

fancyclown | 9

#3784849 - Sunday 25 December 2011 4:44

*looks in pants*
*tear trails down cheek*
*rides horse into sunset*

maddylovesu | 5

#3785100 - Sunday 25 December 2011 6:05

*awkwardly stares at a bunch of exposed tiny dicks*

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3785285 - Sunday 25 December 2011 7:23

50-Too small for my crew at least.

graham11 | 14

#3786260 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:11

Anyone notice gurggle deleted his account? I feel accomplished actually!!

maddylovesu | 5

#3804774 - Thursday 29 December 2011 21:42

*covers eyes*

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3783483 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:05

She must not think you are hot enough to be her "daughter.." ANYWAYS you only have to deal with it once, it's more like F your dads life

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#3784565 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:16

(Agrees with ColtsDoug18. Sitting with a ranting drunk once isn't so much fyl for you as for daddy)

By rttr | 18

#3783507 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:09

Thats pretty funny, welcome to the favorites page.

By perdix | 29

#3783520 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:11

Max defrost with recirculated air still sounds better than Rebecca Black.

nixter5 | 18

#3784524 - Sunday 25 December 2011 3:06

And nails on a chalkboard.

rallets | 22

#3785779 - Sunday 25 December 2011 10:02

and your mom

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE | 9

#3786328 - Sunday 25 December 2011 14:48

Yes, because your mother definitely sounds much better than all of the above. You make a great point.

rallets | 22

#3788481 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:40

thank you