Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/01/2010 16:09 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 211

You deserved it 3 431

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Hiding from the drama

That's rank

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 619

You deserved it 6 995

By emergency - 25/01/2010 13:32 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 192

You deserved it 2 572

By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 338

You deserved it 2 235

By parentof5 - 23/04/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 584

You deserved it 24 754

By horribleday - 20/06/2017 09:00 - United States - Ozark

Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 634

You deserved it 405

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 942

You deserved it 50 364

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 17:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 569

You deserved it 4 228

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 02:02

Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say it’s been a year since you brought me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 299

By Irobot - 15/03/2017 22:00

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 380

You deserved it 307

By sisterofthebride - 03/10/2014 20:22 - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 089

You deserved it 4 088

By accountingclown - 21/01/2017 00:23

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 635

You deserved it 563

By Anonymous - 08/07/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 314

You deserved it 2 639

Thanks, I hate it

By FFS - 28/05/2015 17:41 - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 165

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 06/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 866

You deserved it 4 444

Odd one out

By Anonymous - 08/01/2021 11:01

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 81

By Gimmie a spare - 19/04/2016 20:45 - United States - Memphis

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 657

You deserved it 2 883

By NotTheMomma - 22/07/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 552

You deserved it 1 899

By a - 21/05/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 853

You deserved it 49 543

By kal - 28/02/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 496

You deserved it 36 881

By cdoyle - 08/04/2009 12:32 - Canada

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand in his boxers, he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 473

You deserved it 110 426

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 05:18 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 678

You deserved it 3 915

By Some Guy - 12/10/2015 00:54 - United States - Allen

Today, I was babysitting a 2 year old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me and started crying and stabbed me right in my foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 142

You deserved it 2 727

By brittrus - 08/05/2015 13:44 - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 670

You deserved it 3 258

Jealousy

By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 255

You deserved it 5 130

Supportive

By bopbop - 20/05/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because she "wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 968

You deserved it 4 347

By Noname - 07/01/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 443

You deserved it 56 353

By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - 10/05/2014 21:32 - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 785

You deserved it 6 176

By Wutdafuqq - 23/02/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 3 249

Huge fan of his work

By [email protected] - 25/02/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home, so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes, I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years, until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 142

You deserved it 4 342

By littleman - 06/04/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 372

You deserved it 2 972

By failureatlife - 27/04/2014 19:16 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 295

You deserved it 6 162

By bobo - 24/04/2011 01:02 - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 52 843

By Jared - 23/10/2015 18:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my car after I got it painted. As I backed up in the parking lot, my car scraped against a pillar. Now I have to put it right back in the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 497

You deserved it 13 861

By ITSnotFUNNYtoMEass - 25/05/2009 08:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 995

You deserved it 5 491

By immovingout - 04/05/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 066

You deserved it 4 727

By Geraldine - 30/11/2011 01:53 - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 358

You deserved it 2 756

By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 631

You deserved it 6 883

Quickie

By Disappointed - 04/09/2020 20:08 - Austria

Spicy

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 246

By mugs - 12/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 536

You deserved it 23 914

By Anonymous - 09/04/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 040

You deserved it 3 522

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Top comments

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:15

that's not really an FML for you, more for him... He can't handle sex. HAHAHA

317theterrible 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 14:49

not agreed

Comments

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:09

1st and your boyfriend sounds like a lazy fatass!

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:13

Get on top then. Lazy bitch.

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:25

Hahaha.. Im sure that was just his exuse for finishing early.

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Wednesday 11 May 2011 17:59

OP isn't the one who has to move all the time

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:13

haha u need a real man

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:15

that's not really an FML for you, more for him... He can't handle sex. HAHAHA

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Saturday 23 January 2010 21:24

agreed

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Saturday 23 January 2010 21:46

agreed

PattisonDaStud 0

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Sunday 24 January 2010 6:55

agreed

metazoanhaddock 11

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Sunday 24 January 2010 8:48

agreed

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Saturday 13 February 2010 22:32

agreed

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Monday 26 April 2010 6:02

agreed

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Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:57

disagreed

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Thursday 5 August 2010 10:57

agreed

317theterrible 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 14:49

not agreed

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Saturday 23 July 2011 16:05

c-c-c- combo breaker!

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Tuesday 7 January 2014 8:18

Holy shit

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:16

More like epic fail.

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:16

HUH?!!??!? where the hell was my comment? I was first

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:18

most likely moderated because you're stupid.

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:29

I can confirm that.

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Sunday 24 January 2010 1:38

I'm confirming that I moderated out his "comments"... and also that he's a stunningly dumb shit. See, you expected an evasive, politician's answer, didn't you? :D

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Sunday 24 January 2010 3:16

You evaded the question and spouted utter drivel, with the utmost finesse... ... ... You're a Tory, aren't you? >_>

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Thursday 5 August 2010 11:02

lol, epic legal jargon convo=win

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:18

oh and your boyfriend is a prissy fat lazy bastard

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:19

fail

SeeBrendenBurn 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:21

He lasted 10 seconds? Damn, this guy is my hero. I only have to look at the girl before beads of sweat begin forming on my brow... Wow, I'm just thinking about it and I can feel the calories already burning!

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Saturday 23 January 2010 22:28

me 2

xxprettydisaster 0

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Sunday 24 January 2010 5:02

hey nice way to lose fat without having a baby be devoloped in process...

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:23

your bf sounds like a virgin

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:58

sounds like an obese cunt who can't lift his fat up long enough to get his mickey in ya :P

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:35

Sucks for you, he considers it work! You must be ugly.

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Saturday 23 January 2010 20:35

did he get it in, or was he being hampered cause you were too tight?

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 291