Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights...

By SterlingSilver91 - 03/09/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 101

You deserved it 42 604

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

Leave us alone

The Teaching Life

By sick - 21/09/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I decided I would call in sick to work after working 60 hours the week before just so I could have a day off... My body responded this morning with vomiting and diarrhea so I had to call in sick and didn't get to have much fun... Karma 1 Me 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 718

You deserved it 11 284

By Floof - 15/02/2010 13:35 - United States

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 494

You deserved it 4 863

Fetish

By Anonymous - 25/07/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 419

You deserved it 254

Paparazzi

By iStoleTheBrownie - 25/08/2017 01:32

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 3 898

By artclasstrauma - 15/05/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 115

You deserved it 7 760

By Anonymous - 02/10/2017 04:00 - Australia

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 149

You deserved it 3 219

By britanyann - 06/01/2012 03:45 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 451

You deserved it 6 387

By Parusu - 13/02/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 694

You deserved it 4 378

By woopwoop - 18/04/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 119

You deserved it 10 846

By Jess - 30/05/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 342

You deserved it 71 644

Good intentions

By Anonymous - 16/08/2021 19:01 - Indonesia - Bekasi

Today, I asked someone to work with me because I felt sorry for her. Turns out, she isn't at all helpful and refuses to work after school, just because she would miss her "beauty nap". She also made up dumb excuses for why she couldn't help me or the others. I wonder why no one wanted to be in a group with her… FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 118

I'm sitting right here

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 06:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 226

You deserved it 614

Sobering.

By Bambusmaster - 13/09/2018 18:50

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 788

You deserved it 210

By MereLewis95 - 26/10/2011 08:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called me urgently from the kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, I ran to her as fast as possible. She threw a wet cloth at my head and ran away, laughing her face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 394

You deserved it 4 510

By continuouslyaddingdebt - 14/01/2017 22:00

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 065

You deserved it 7 761

Brain fart Andy over here

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 16:01 - Italy

Today, as I was getting dressed after a shower, I spent a good 30 seconds searching for my underwear… which I'd already put on at that point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 281

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 251

You deserved it 337

By jai90 - 03/02/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 157

You deserved it 3 810

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 376

You deserved it 3 733

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 13:09 - United States

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 510

You deserved it 5 076

To catch a predator

By not to blame - 07/09/2021 02:01

Today, my boyfriend’s family, whom I’ve known since I was in elementary school, now completely hate and blame me for "ruining their precious baby boy’s life." I'd called the police and reported him after finding out he cheated on me with not one, but several high school girls. We’re in our 30s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 183

By octoberrain - 12/10/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 423

You deserved it 3 648

By Stevarious - 10/07/2015 15:49 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was finally starting to relax after a stressful and expensive move, where I had to give up half my belongings and furniture, as well as my cat. All the stress came rushing back as my new landlord told me that he's selling the building and I've got 30 days to vacate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 323

You deserved it 2 259

By Anonymous - 18/06/2017 16:00

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 455

You deserved it 300

By Anonymous - 22/03/2014 23:07 - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 643

You deserved it 13 215

By stopinthenameoflove - 19/06/2014 14:37 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 014

You deserved it 15 387

Rekt

By Shaun - 16/06/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 261

You deserved it 6 143

By ahh - 28/12/2009 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 883

You deserved it 9 065

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 09:08 - Australia

Today, I accidentally pressed the panic button under the register at work. I didn't even know we had a panic button until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 416

You deserved it 16 118

By BeboKhaos - 04/08/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 671

You deserved it 9 479

By wheezy - 03/12/2013 17:28 - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 864

You deserved it 4 200

By Girl-of-very-little-brain - 29/12/2011 12:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 188

You deserved it 4 956

Baby Got Back

By backfat - 18/05/2018 01:44

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 601

You deserved it 1 053

By panos016 - 15/07/2011 13:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 512

You deserved it 9 873

Breeders

By Anonymous - 12/07/2015 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 504

You deserved it 1 928

By Mikey832 - 09/08/2010 13:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 814

You deserved it 14 767

By benjavel71 - 10/01/2017 11:13 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 776

You deserved it 8 935

Vandals!

By volvo_owner - 10/02/2021 02:01 - Germany - Harsefeld

Today, I wanted to go shopping in my new car that I bought just a month ago. When I stepped outside, I saw someone had smashed the driver side's window. They didn't even steal anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 49

By cathugger - 13/07/2019 16:30

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 116

Not sporty

By Hannah - 22/03/2012 17:21 - Ireland - Wexford

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 129

You deserved it 10 866

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Top comments

OcampoFTW 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:57

At least she told you bout it

danford80 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:58

Wow. Anytime a conversation starts with please don't be mad or we need to talk it never ends well!!

bibbit 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:57

First!

OcampoFTW 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:57

At least she told you bout it

Mean_Mr_Mustard 9

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:09

Don't be silly, wrap your willy!!!

ItsTheKing 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:13

No Glove No Love!

Kyzahhh 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:14

If you think she's spunky wrap your monkey

TwitchingNebula 17

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:18

Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.

tybtab 5

Sunday 4 September 2011 9:25

COMBO BREAKER!!!!!

ItsTheKing 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:26

Damn you 27 with your combo breaking abilities!

fatfatgoeshome 8

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:26

You'll get an infection if you don't use protection!

krazy_glu3 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:47

Tell her 'please don't get mad if you notice herpe like bumps on your gentalia. Sorry in advance'

Deathhound 27

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:56

Oh man, I hope you don't have a rash, lol

a_nutritionist 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 10:30

@43 dont have sex anytime soon, if you think someone alerting you to a possible STI requires an immature douchebag response then you should seriously consider celibacy.

Quasar55_fml 18

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Sunday 4 September 2011 11:29

Don't be daft, wrap your shaft !

Xtra_Cheddar 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 11:46

Don't give birth wrap your girth

MaCOOLiT 5

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Sunday 4 September 2011 11:46

Ahh, the gift that keeps on giving!

zachherbert 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 14:21

Don't be a fool, wrap your spool? No One fish two fish, red fish blue fish? The cat on the hat, took a big shat? Look at that monkey, get down and spunky? Why I no GOOD at witty sex rhymes?

smilessss 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:55

Wrap it before you tap it!

monkeys1315 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:57

You should probably get that checked out

ThatOneCanadian 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:15

Well then they obviously didnt use a condom, so OP shouldve said "if you notice you're pregnant, my bad"

auriane_fml 19

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Sunday 4 September 2011 17:06

@ 106 I was going to say the same thing, but you beat me to it :(

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Sunday 4 September 2011 17:56

Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy! Wait, that doesn't fit. Take it slow, make her blow. No, that's not it, either. Ahh, I've got it now. DON'T FUCK NASTY BITCHES! That's better.

elizabeth9m 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 18:06

Put the beanie on the wienie .

BShady96 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 18:13

when she's about to lick, wrap your dick

ppatty 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 19:15

that's all epic lol

toqwert 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 20:40

Don't be hick, cover your dick...

mgon93 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 21:15

Wtf..

armyboy00025 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:11

Cage the snake, then shake and bake Wrap it with foil before you check her oil Cover your vein then drive her insane Wrap your stump before you hump Cover Ol' Willy then bang her silly Don't be a dumby, cum on her tummy

SidekickCookie 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:16

when she gives you affection you better wear protection that skank might have an inffection are you paying close attention ?

SidekickCookie 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:16

when she gives you affection you better wear protection that skank might have an inffection are you paying close attention ?

SidekickCookie 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:16

when she gives you affection you better wear protection that skank might have an inffection are you paying close attention ?

isetdaronfire 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 1:42

nice ISMFOF reference ;D

kelsey_katie 17

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Monday 5 September 2011 6:13

137, Smosh, Sex Ed Rocks Right? Aha(:

Honda288 2

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Monday 5 September 2011 6:27

This comment made my day!

Pebbles89 9

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Monday 5 September 2011 9:34

Ya think? Haha :p

Randuhh_17 4

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Monday 5 September 2011 10:41

Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake!

fakeaccountX 6

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Monday 5 September 2011 23:21

The cat sat on the mat.

Jdimp 1

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:13

LMAO AT COMBO BREAKER

01sparkly 15

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:14

Yeah, she said sorry too!

Rallred32 20

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Friday 17 January 2014 1:16

Don't be an idiot! Schlick it before she licks it!

danford80 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:58

Wow. Anytime a conversation starts with please don't be mad or we need to talk it never ends well!!

TwitchingNebula 17

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:21

And never start off a sentence with "your fuckin mother..."

ItsTheKing 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:28

Your fucking mother.... Is the greatest person I ever met.

slushpup9696 12

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Sunday 4 September 2011 10:15

We need to talk... about how awesome you are. Can you give me some tips?

morgan320 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 11:29

Please... Teach me how to be so awesome.

baddud300 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:13

Please don't be mad but I just left my bag full of $100 bills and I'm going to need you to watch it for me.

hoodasswhitekid 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 20:22

Hey bro don't be mad but I accidentally ran over your cat last night. My bad.

danford80 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:35

Ya I learned that one the hard way!

Troller20 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:58

thats fucking gross.

Igotothegym 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:37

Its only a rash

cIickhere 5

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Sunday 4 September 2011 10:22

No pain no gain!!!!

GlitteryMasakali 1

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Sunday 4 September 2011 10:43

So "Candy" understood it was your friends idea to get u a surprise hooker and let you cane her in jail.. ?!

xexu13 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:51

wrong FML glitter...

skatingalyy 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 23:33

I'm pretty sure they were making a reference. :D

johobus28 26

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Wednesday 18 June 2014 22:15

Wouldn't telling him in advance be telling him BEFORE doing it?

Casrein 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:59

Best not scratch it ._.;

Waffl3z 8

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Sunday 4 September 2011 8:59

I suggest getting "the test"

ohSNAPyall 26

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Sunday 4 September 2011 14:26

And asking her what you should be testing for.

HomeAl0ne 20

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Monday 5 September 2011 3:30

One of those ones that tell you what career you are suited to. I suggest funeral parlor director for you

diva_lulu 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

CassieMarieee 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:01

I think it's truly considerate on her part to give you a heads up(: Hahahha fyl.

daka_fml 5

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Sunday 4 September 2011 11:41

Haha spot on

ashes1005 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:27

She should have said something before they slept together though

missstegner 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 4:58

Yeah, AFTER he's probably already contracted the STD!

dubstepp 15

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Monday 5 September 2011 7:17

Yeah really. Suprised to had the guts to tell you!

BrianAlarcon 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 19:57

Your first comment on "FML" N u got 60 thumbs up on it congrats!(:

CassieMarieee 7

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 8:03

That's pretty exciting right?! Hahaha thanks(:

BrianAlarcon 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:04

Aye at least she told you

Dante17 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:09

But she didn't she had to speak up, that means she doesn't give a damn and had her fun damaging others

muhilrashid 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:05

Are you positive ?

j_cat187 19

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Sunday 4 September 2011 9:37

I'm not just positive, I'm HIV positive.

HeyImJuli 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:47

I think that was the point...

crisscolferlove 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:04

It was suppose to be an STD joke...

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 36

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 594

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